Mark's Story

I'd like to introduce Mark*, a long-time reader who contacted me a while back to tell me of his experiences with deceptive Jewish outreach. Mark is in his twenties and was previously targeted by kiruv professionals when his best friend began looking into options to go on a second Birthright trip. In this piece, he explains what happened to Jake* before, during, and after his encounter with the Maimonides (Meor) courses and Aish HaTorah.
*Names and identifying details have been changed to protect the privacy of individuals.



Mark's Story
  The kiruv journey started on our Birthright trip a few years ago. I went with my best friend Jake, as well as a few other people from our school. But it's not what you think. we were there to experience Israel and have a good time. There was absolutely no proselytizing of any kind on this trip. There wasn't even the slightest hint of deceptive kiruv. Most of my fellow classmates and new friends when back home and went back to their normal lives, as did we. The day after the trip, I went out with Jake and some other friends. We all agreed that we enjoyed the trip and went back to our regular lives in the weeks after.
  I think I should introduce and explain my relationship with Jake before going any further in this post. I was born in the former Soviet Union, and came here when I was four years old. Both of my parents are Jewish and I was raised in a Russian-Jewish home. My family idn't consider themselves very religious. We attended High Holiday services at the local Chabad and I had my Bar Mitzvah, but that's about as far as my Judaism went. As with a lot of Russian Jews I know, my identity is "Jewish by association." I consider myself Jewish, most of my friends are Jewish, I only date Jewish girls, I go to High Holiday services, but that's about as far as things go. My friend Jake, on the other hand, was born in the United States. His great grandparents came to this country from Eastern Europe, so he considers himself American. His family goes to a Reform synagogue for High Holiday services, and that's about it. Aside from his family paying expensive membership fees, our families were pretty similar in terms of our commitment to Judaism. Neither of us kept kosher, observed the Sabbath, or did anything like that. Jake and I met in high school. We had been inseparable since we'd met--we did everything together. We were lucky enough to attend the same state school and our friendship continued to grow as strong as ever. We attended Hillel together where we met a bunch of Jewish people. It was a nice place to hang out and there was no pressure to become any more religious. When our Hillel director told us she would be leading a Birthright trip, we decided to all go together.
  So what happened after our Birthright trip? I know you're expecting me to say that Jake had some sort of life-changing revelation that suddenly made him become an orthodox Jew during our trip. But no, that's definitely not the case. There was only one thing that changed. Jake wanted to go on another Birthright trip. But unfortunately, once you go on Birthright, you can't go again. But that didn't stop him; he went out to search for another free trip to Israel. That set the wheels in motion. 
  A few months after our trip, Jake called to tell me some exciting news. He found out about another trip to Israel! Now, it wasn't free, but it was very cheap, about $500. The trip was supposed to be just like Birthright, with lots of activities and touring. He didn't give any more details except that he would be meeting for coffee with the rabbi he contacted regarding the trip. I didn't think anything of it. After his meeting, Jake told me that he really liked him and that he was invited to the rabbi's house for Shabbat dinner. Jake invited me to come along and I didn't think anything of that either. It sounded completely innocent.
  We went that Friday to the Rabbi's house. He and his wife were very friendly. They had multiple children, all who were very friendly as well. Numerous people our age were at their home. Most were like Jake and I, Reform or maybe Conservative Jews. I enjoyed dinner. The company was great and the food was pretty good.The rabbi told us stories about Judaism and we had discussions on different topics. We also spent time schmoozing with the other guests. The rabbi told lots of jokes and made us laugh. He was very friendly and I really enjoyed his company. After we finished bentching, (saying the grace after meals) Jake and I left and hit up some bars. It was just like any other night hanging out. Nothing changed. The following week, Jake called me again telling me that we were both invited back to the rabbi's house. We came back to a good meal with a large number of people our age, a few from the previous week, most were new. There was more conversation covering Jewish topics. We schmoozed with people our age. Then Jake and I once again set off for the bars.
   The following week, I called Jake to see if he wanted to get together with friends that Friday. He told me that he was busy because he was going to Shabbat dinner at the rabbi's house. I didn't think anything of it (yet again), and told him I would just see him Saturday instead. Jake agreed and said he was selected to go on the trip to Israel he wanted to go on. I congratulated him. He told me he would spend half the the time at a place called Aish HaTorah, and the rest of it would be spent doing a variety of activities. He asked if I would consider going on the trip, but I was busy during that period, so I declined. We both went our separate ways on Friday and met up Saturday for lunch. He told me that the following week he would stay for "the entire Shabbos." It turns out that some of the people our age we ate dinner with would spend the night with another Jewish family in the neighborhood. That sounded pretty neat. But at the time I was pretty busy with school on the weekends and wasn't able to spend the night.
  We both went to dinner the following week. Once again, we had a good dinner and schmoozed with the people our age. I noticed that there were more new faces than old. Once dinner was over, I drove home. Jake stayed behind. Later that night, we texted back and forth. He said he was bored because there were no electronics on due to the restrictions of Shabbat. I thought it was kind of funny. When it got late, we both said goodbye and went to sleep. I didn't hear from him again until Shabbat was over. We met up Saturday night to hang out.
  At this point, Jake was going to the rabbi's house for dinner and then spending the night at another family's house every week. I was still invited for the following weeks but I never stayed the night. We continued to text each other at night, but as time went on, he texted less and less until he finally stopped. He said that he was "able to keep Shabbos better" at this point. As the weeks progressed, I noticed that he stopped inviting me to visit the rabbi. If I didn't have plans on a Friday night, I would end up calling the rabbi and he would tell me to come over. Around this time, Jake signed up for the Maimonides course. It was run by the same rabbi and Jake was excited because it paid a $400 stipend. Due to my class schedule, I was unable to attend so I never took the class.
  As Jake's trip date grew closer, we began talking less and less. When I would ask if he wanted to spend a Saturday afternoon together, he'd respond "I can't, man, it's Shabbos." No problem. I respected that. Then his big two week trip to Israel came. He ended up going to Aish HaTorah. He enjoyed it so much that he decided to extend his trip another two weeks. He told me that he was spending a good portion of the day studying Torah. When we talked on Facebook, he'd talk more and more about Torah and Judaism. We no longer talked about things we used to discuss.
  I was excited for him to finally come home but something had changed. He was different. He would not see me on Friday or Saturday. In fact, at this point, he told me that I could only come to the rabbi's house if I stayed the entire time (Friday at sunset until an hour past sunset on Saturday night) because leaving early would desecrate the Sabbath. He also refused to go to any of our favorite restaurants because they weren't kosher. When we talked on the phone, he'd yell at me for the most random things. When I told him I had eaten at certain restaurants, he'd say "How could you?! That's not kosher!" Or when I tried telling him about my Friday and Saturday plans that no longer included him, he'd respond "You can't do that on Shabbos! What's wrong with you?!" I wish that I could tell you that he said these things in a joking manner, but he didn't. He was dead serious.
  At this point, I felt like things were changing but I couldn't understand why. I wanted to mend our faltering relationship, so I told him that I would stay a full Shabbat weekend. The rabbi put both of us with the same family for the night. I was bored out of my mind. We spent the next morning in shul. Jake knew what he was doing. I was just daydreaming the entire time. I couldn't wait for it to end! At the end of Saturday night, he asked how I liked Shabbat. I told him the truth. He then yelled at me and proceeded to tell me something interesting. He asked if I realized a while ago that I was inviting myself to the rabbi's house and that he wasn't inviting me. It didn't occur to me at the time, but then I realized that this was indeed the case. He told me that this was due to my unwillingness to become more religious. He said that they "gave up on me." What?! I thought that the rabbi was there to host students so they could learn about Judaism. I never once thought that there was some kind of ulterior motive.
  By then Jake was hanging out with some of the people I had met at those dinners. The men from those meals had already started to wear the typical clothes of orthodox men--the traditional black hats and suits. The women were all covered, wearing very long skirts, with arms and legs covered. What about the other people from the dinners that weren't doing this? The ones I added on Facebook no longer went to these dinners. In fact, they no longer engaged in any of these activities, period. It was only me going with Jake, and a few others who went consistently but didn't become religious (they too stopped at some point). Since Jake was too busy spending time with his religious friends, we drifted away.
  I was confused. Everything had happened so gradually. He slowly started to become more religious over time. When we started going to Shabbat dinners, he thought things like shomer negiah (refraining from all physical contact with members of the opposite sex) were a joke. Now he takes it all very seriously. I stumbled upon the term baal teshuvah (newly religious). When I read more into it, I learned that Jake wasn't alone. Countless young Jewish people encounter these kiruv organizations and get sucked in. From what I've seen, it's a very slow process. It's not overnight like some people might think. It started with something as simple as going to dinner. Since the rabbis initially didn't make any effort to have people stay after dinner, they had time to get comfortable. Gradually they get sucked in further and they start to observe more traditions. When Jake started spending nights with orthodox families, he would text me from his phone. Gradually he became shomer Shabbos (fully observant of the Sabbath laws) and then this stopped. Once things started to get bad, he began criticizing almost everything I did. He criticized nearly everything he used to do too! It got to the point where I no longer wanted to spend time with him. The funny thing about this criticism is that the FFB (frum/orthodox from birth) Jews I know have never criticized me for doing anything. As I briefly mentioned earlier, the Maimonidies program is an easy way to target students. They attend weekly classes in order to get a stipend. But there's a catch. They most spend a full Shabbat in the orthodox community in order to get the stipend. That's how they reel these unsuspecting students in. While a majority of them will take the money and move on with their lives, a few will continue to attend dinners and get sucked in just like Jake did.
  When I stumbled upon this blog, I was shocked. It was as if Rebecca Ross was pulling the words straight out of my mouth. I read about kiruv tactics and realized that they tried every move on both of us. It started with love-bombing at simple dinners, and then escalated to more serious things. Once Jake went to Aish HaTorah, that was it. Interestingly, no one from this kiruv organization ever made their intentions clear. All Jake wanted was another trip to Israel just like Birthright. He got so much more than he, his family, or I bargained for. I only joined him for the dinners. I was completely oblivious to the fact that they were proselytizing! That's how deceptive these organizations are. While I genuinely enjoyed the dinners and other events (they are good at getting people to like them with their love-bombing), and while I loved my other experiences with them, I grew to hate them once they pulled Jake out of my life. I hated the fact that they would deceptively break apart families. Here's what I don't understand: orthodox Jews usually feel that it's a travesty when another orthodox Jew goes off the derech (goes off the path of orthodoxy, usually for a non-orthodox life), but they feel that it's inspiring when non-orthodox Jews alienate their own friends and family to become religious. That doesn't make any sense to me. I read quite a few anti-kiruv blogs, and then eventually started reading things posted by baal teshuvas. I read some posts on Beyond BT, and I found them to be incredibly depressing. I'm not sure how breaking the bonds with family is supposed to be inspiring. I even saw a blog where baalteshuvas were discussing how they should cut ties with their families because they wouldn't want their children growing up seeing how bubbe and zayde (grandma and grandpa) drive on Shabbos or eat treif (non-kosher) food. Then I saw countless comments on another blog where baal teshuvahs would say that their friends and family unfortunately haven't experienced "the beauty of Torah." That sounds like nothing more than simple brainwashing.
  Recently I went to Jake's wedding. He found a shidduch (a marriage partner for an arranged marriage) and they married within a few months of meeting. A week before his wedding, I attended a Reform friend's rehearsal dinner and wedding. You could just see their faces and know that both families were incredibly happy and excited to see their children get married. The next week I went to Jake's wedding. It was odd. All of the orthodox people at the wedding were incredibly happy. They were festive. There was lots of dancing. But what about Jake's family? I talked to them because they were like a second family to me. They didn't look happy at all. In fact, his grandmother told me that she hopes his new wife will go off the derech so that he will go back to his "normal" self. This was the unhappiest wedding I have ever seen, at least from his family's side. I wasn't happy either. I never imagined my former best friend's wedding would be like this. But this is what happened. The process was so gradual that it was impossible to see this coming.
  Since losing Jake, one of my friends confided in me about her crush becoming more religious. Since I'm friends with him on Facebook, I was able to watch his gradual change. I was able to explain everything that was happening step-by-step. It was like clockwork. This time, I saw someone go from a Reform Jew to an orthodox Jew just like Jake did--but this time I knew what was happening. It was difficult seeing my friend lose someone she cared about, especially since I knew what the ultimate outcome would be. I wish I could have told his parents what was happening and make it stop. But I couldn't. At least by writing this post, I can show the world what kiruv does. I want the world to know how they stole my best friend from me. I also want them to know that I was a target. They tried to work their magic on me and they failed. I was shocked when I was told what they were trying to do--they were that deceptive!
  I'd like to leave this long post with a simple message for both parents and current baal teshuvas. For the parents of college students, please explain to them what kiruv is. Instead of having them do the Maimonides course, just offer to pay them $400 instead. It's a small price to pay for not losing your child. Also, I wouldn't worry about Birthright as long as they aren't doing Aish or any other orthodox-run trip, but be wary of any subsidized trips after Birthright like Aish or Jewel because these are created for the purpose of proselytizing your children. For the baal teshuvas who believe it's better to alienate your family and friends who care about you because they "don't see the beauty of Torah," who do you think would be at your side if you were halfway around the world and seriously injured? I'll give you a hint. It won't be the people standing next to you at shul.

A Kiruv Organization Tells All: Recruiting Women, College Students

     I recently found Rabbi Yitschak Rudomim's website for the Jewish Professionals Institute: Adult Education and Outreach organization. At first I assumed, incorrectly, that I'd have to spend a lot of time trying to prove that they were using certain tactics to appeal to non-orthodox Jews in order to draw them in. Well, I was wrong. JPI's statement of purpose specifically mentions that Rabbi Yitschak Rudomim and his organization are fighting an "unconventional war on Jewish ignorance" and that they are "called upon to adopt the methods of marketing, salesmanship, and advertising in order to "sell" Judaism to Jews, because of my love for my fellow Jews."1 Whether this is an effort to be transparent to all who are interested in his work, or simply a way to gain additional financial support, or perhaps an oversight (maybe he doesn't expect that people will be criticizing his tactics) on his part, Rudomim is telling you exactly what he and all kiruv organizations do.
     Rudomim clearly states that there is no place that is off-limits to outreach rabbis, including (but not limited to) "the home, work, college, or any informal domain,"2 and that it is his goal "to penetrate these other areas."3 Rudomim's end goal is "to touch the lives of so many of our ignorant (Jewishly) brethren and inspire them through deed and thought to undertake the quest for self-betterment through increased commitment to study and observance of Judaism."4

Jewish Professionals Institute: Statement of Purpose
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         I've included a letter of recommendation for Rabbi Rudomim and JPI written by Rabbi Yehudah Fine, director of The Jewish Family Institute which, according to Seattle, Washington's Jewish Transcript, is both an orthodox rabbi and a family therapist whose "Jewish Family Institute provides outreach to families in crisis, including individual and family counseling, crisis intervention, outreach for individuals and families in need, lectures and seminars for Jewish communities and youth groups."5 Back when the article was written "Fine said that he was probably best known for his work in counseling Jewish families dealing with a family member who has joined a cult."6 Yes, you read that correctly.
     Within Fine's letter of recommendation he uses emotional manipulation as part of his request for financial support. He refers to the "silent Holocaust of American Jewry," using the Holocaust as a marketing tool in order to gain monetary contributions and appeal to people's emotions. He then lists several statistics without citing his sources, which makes me wonder if these statistics are even legitimate.

Letter of Recommendation for JPI by Rabbi Yehudah Fine
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Recruiting Women

     Director of JPI, Rabbi Rudomim, includes a piece on his site entitled "Women of Valor" in which he details kiruv's expectations of the women who are recruited to an ultra-orthodox lifestyle. He appears to understand that "it is not a simple matter for today's liberated Jewish woman to accept separation of the sexes, the laws of Family Purity, bearing many children, covering her hair and many of the other observances by women leading Torah lifestyles."7 and then he states that due to kiruv efforts, these women now "run to accept more, not less, of what Yiddishkeit proclaims to be the role of the true woman of valor: A devoted and loyal mother and wife."8 Through outreach, these formerly non-orthodox women "then go on to marry and establish Torah homes."9 Rudomim briefly mentions a few seminaries, including the well-known Neve Yerushalayim women's seminary, that were created in order to deal with the "special needs" in terms of recruiting young, non-orthodox women. He mentions Rabbi Manis Friedman of Chabad, "one of the most charismatic teachers of previously secular Jewish women in America." Rudomim appears to celebrate such charismatic leaders. In this case, they are expected to convince people to change their perspective, their views, and even their lives.
     Rudomim mentions The Jewish Women's Journal, put out by the Jewish Renaissance Center in Manhattan and clearly states "this special newspaper . . . whose motive is outreach" uses a "sophisticated style and accessibility [to] appeal to even estranged Jews. It provides a non-threatening glimpse into Jewish life."10

     What Rudomim fails to mention is what these women are giving up in order to embrace an ultra-orthodox lifestyle. He doesn't mention the careers that may be put on hold, the family discord that is often caused but less-often talked about, and the relationships that suffer as a result. But he is honest, at least, about what he believes to be the role of the Jewish woman--that of wife and mother of many.

"Women of Valor" Rabbi Yitschak Rudomim
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Women of Valor, Part One
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Women of Valor, Part Two
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Recruiting College Students

     Rabbi Rudomim's article about college students traveling in Israel describes in alarming accuracy the tactics employed by kiruv professionals in Israel to recruit impressionable college students to an ultra-orthodox lifestyle. He mentions that the phenomenon of traveling college students has been a boon to kiruv because "many young assimilated college students go off to explore Europe and Israel . . . [and so] and entire outreach apparatus has evolved to provide yet another option for these wandering happy-go-lucky young people."11 Rudomim brazenly states that "Indeed, at the Kotel, (Western Wall), there is a polished network of outreach professionals who specialize in offering hospitality, and an opportunity to learn Torah, to the previously disinterested Jewish traveler."12 It's true--I was once one of those "previously disinterested Jewish travelers," Rudomim's words, not mine. What I failed to understand at the time was that I was falling for pickup lines, marketing strategies, and salesmanship that were, and still are, used on "on [the] thousands, yes thousands, of young Jews [who] have been enrolled in famous Baal Teshuvah Yeshivot in this fashion."13

     Rudomim admits that Aish HaTorah's famous Discovery Seminar is meant to sweep people off their feet. He writes:

Fascinating lectures proving the validity of the Torah, existence of G-d, and the relevance of Judaism to modern life are presented, and more importantly, accepted by many listeners. Enough to convince them to stay on for a few weeks, or months, or years, and even make Aliyah.14

Rudomim is not hiding the fact that Aish is offering a program meant to convince unsuspecting young tourists that they ought to stay in Israel--attending kiruv programs meant to push them into ultra-orthodoxy--for lengthy amounts of time that weren't originally in their plans. Again, I recall sitting in the office of a prominent Jerusalem rabbi as he tried to convince my husband and I (we were newlyweds in our early twenties) that we should stay in Israel and attend yeshiva and seminary programs. Our response was that it was irresponsible, since we both had jobs and school, but this didn't deter him from his hard-sell tactics. Instead, we agreed to allow a prominent New York kiruv rabbi to contact us upon our arrival home. While our curiosity was piqued, we were definitely turned off by the exorbitant amount of pressure put on us to stay and change our plans. To be honest, I remember feeling intimidated by this rabbi,  but strengthened by the fact that my husabnd (and best friend) and I were in this together. Had I been alone, I might have been afraid to say no to someone I perceived to be a spiritual leader. But I digress.
     Rudomim also mentions that Aish's Jerusalem Fellowships are supported by the Israeli government because they see this as an opportunity that could lead to more people making aliyah, a permanent move to Israel. Politically, this is good for Israel, as it keeps the population growing.

Traveling in Israel, Part One
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Traveling in Israel, Part Two
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Traveling in Israel, Part Three
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      To be completely honest, I was completely thrown off by Rudomim's Jewish Professionals Institute's site. Rudomim's blatant explanation of what kiruv organizations do and how they do it was shocking and unexpected. I'm sure that my readers who are pro-kiruv are smiling and saying "happy now?" because one of my criticisms of ultra-orthodox Jewish outreach is that there is a lack of this type of information. (In truth, this information is lacking and still inaccessible to people unfamiliar with the lingo needed to plug in appropriate search terms, but that should be understandable.) Let me take a second and address the question as to whether or not I'm happy to have found this information.
     On a personal level, I realized that my experiences in Israel were contrived and that the warmth and hospitality I experienced as a student, and then as part of a newly married couple, were contrived. In many ways, this makes me second-guess the integrity of those I encountered who tried to sell me experiences that were not real or unique--I was just another warm Jewish body.
     Speaking on a professional level as a critic of kiruv, I'm curious as to why Rudomim gives all of this information away so easily. Who is the expected audience of his website? Surely, it isn't me or those who kiruv professionals are recruiting. If so, why tell people that they're simply clients being manipulated by deft salespeople with polished techniques? Will this help to bring us in?
     As a final thought, the articles on JPI's website reminded me of Edgar Allen Poe's stories, in which the guilty party cannot keep the secrets and details of his crime to himself. Through a series of events--both psychological and physical--Poe's protagonists often lead the police, the other characters, and the reader right to the scene of crime, exposing the gory details because the guilty party can no longer bear his secret.
     As always, I welcome reader comments.


Works Cited
1. Jewish Professionals Institute. www.jpi.org. website.
2. ibid.
3. ibid.
4. ibid.
5. Gordon, Richard. Former Bellevue Resident Heads Jewish Family Institute. The Jewish Transcript. September 11, 1986. p.11.
6. ibid.
7. Rudomim, Yitschak. Women of Valor. Jewish Professionals Institute. www.jpi.org. website.
8. ibid.
9. ibid.
10. ibid.
11. Rudomim, Yitschak. Traveling in Israel. Jewish Professionals Institute. www.jpi.org. website.
12. ibid.
13. ibid.
14. ibid.

Defaming Modernity in Chaya Lester's "Urban Turban"

Guest Post by Kelly Smith Milotay
    Yesterday my Facebook feed was full of people posting about this video made by Chaya Lester, a self-described Kabbalistic Feminist.

     Ms. Lester looks like every speaker you ever want to hear. Her beautiful smile is engaging and she has the gift of making you think she's talking directly to you. Her headwrap is stylish and adds to her exoticism. You get the impression that her energy is magnetic and that you would want her as your best friend if you met her in person. I'm sure she's as charming in person as she is on video. 

     The content of her video was somewhat less charming. Clearly aimed at an audience of potential baalei teshuva (BTs) - those who become Orthodox after having been brought up secular or in a different strand of Judaism -  as she states in her intro "We host Birthright students by the dozen!,"
she seems to hope to change the minds of her viewers with her spoken word poetry about her "Urban Turban."

You can listen to her performance on the video and read more about it on The Times of Israel's site.

Here is the text of the poem:

Urban Turban

I cover my head in protest
to Miley Cyrus
and a culture that
blinds us
to the true beauty of
a woman’s sense of dignity.

Where decades of hard-won progress
is undone by a single
twerk
- a fatal twist
in what it truly means to be a feminist.

These are the many strands
of my stand against
a society possessed by a quest
for ‘sexiness’.

Where 12-year-old girls
try to fill the holes
in their souls
with high heels, halter-tops
& rhinestone-studded hose.

I throw my hat
into the ring
to state the obvious
fact
that female empowerment
is found within.

Judge me not by the color of my skin
and how much of it
I uncover
to win
your attention.

Judge me rather by the content of my character
- not the contours
of my figure.

*
For on this cotton
is written
a Manifesto of a Kabbalistic-feminist.

I enfold the mystic
into this fabric’s every twist.

This covering
comes to express the sacred covenant
of marriage.

While all the while
marriage in the modern world
is but a crumbling institution
a house without beams
where our children suffer
for our indiscretions
divorces & indecencies.

Please, don’t get me wrong
I am not a prude
not a preacher
not a governess
but a mother
and a lover
who takes her sexuality seriously
- mystically -
for I have tasted ultimate Oneness
through the two-ness
known as marriage…

And like a treasured swaddled infant
this two-ness thrives best in containment
covering, commitment.

So, yes, please, let’s talk about femininity
about what it really means to be a feminist
a woman, a wife,
a mother, a builder
because when it comes to self-expression, my sister,
- I got that one covered. ~Chaya Lester*

Sluttiness of Secular Society?

     Ms. Lester sets up Miley Cyrus as the representative of "a society possessed by a quest for 'sexiness'". Certainly she is correct that much of the Western media is focused on sexuality - sex sells, after all, to people of all races and religions. But does the media's over-emphasis on sex mean that the majority of society is on the same "quest for sexiness"? The answer is 'no'. Most of the women I see in my day-to-day life are not obsessed with sexiness. They merely want to look and feel good in what they wear. Sometimes you see more skin, sometimes you see less. I have yet to run into any of my secular friends (Jewish or not) dressed in pleather shorts, twerking their way down the street, as Ms. Lester seems to think we all do. At a relatively busy mall this evening, every single man, woman, and child I saw was dressed in a completely normal way. No one was trying to attract more attention than usual. It is simply not true that the majority of people in the world are consumed with being sexy all the time while women and men in the Orthodox world shun such displays.

Modern Marriage as Shambles?

     Next she links her "Urban Turban" to the sanctity of her marriage. She implies that her head-covering keeps her marriage sacred and that "marriage in the modern world is but a crumbling institution...where our children suffer for our indiscretions, divorces, and indecencies." Again, this does not at all speak to my experience. Some of my secular friends are married. A few are divorced. I'm fortunate to not know any suffering children. Do people within secular marriages sometimes cheat on each other? Do they sometimes divorce? Sure. Happens in the Orthodox world as well. Over all, Ms. Lester's assertion that secular marriage is a cesspool of lies when compared with her own marriage (sanctified by her head-covering) and marriages within the Orthodox world in general falls flat when we look at real people in the real world. I wonder if Ms. Lester has a subscription to People Magazine. It would help to explain her hyperbolic beliefs about the modern, secular society. 

Strawmen and Deceptive Kiruv

     In her poem, Ms. Lester created two strawmen - secular society as sex-obsessed and the dismal state of modern marriage. Secular society as compromised is a common refrain in the kiruv community. Peddling Orthodoxy is easier on these false terms, especially on university campuses where students are away from home. They do see their peers as somewhat sex-obsessed in certain environments. It's harder for them to accurately make comparisons to the real world that exists away from their campuses. I would argue that American college students aren't quite as sex-obsessed as they are portrayed both in the media and by kiruv professionals. Still, college students are susceptible to the false message that secular society is a den of iniquity. 

     There is beauty in Jewish tradition. It has evolved along diverse pathways as modern Jews have tried to understand how their spiritual ancestors reached out to God in search of meaning. Orthodoxy is not the only authentic way of being a Jew. If someone chooses to remain or become Orthodox, they should do so because it has meaning for them - not because they've been coerced using unethical tactics and outright lies.


*Lester, Chaya. Urban Turban. from "Hair -- Got It Covered." The Times of Israel. January 8, 2014.

Kelly Smith Milotay is a mother, a writer, an educator, and a free-thinker who is interested in sustainability in all facets of life. Despite having four children and several chickens, her house has reached epic proportions of unattainable spotlessness. Coffee helps.

The Kiruv Debate: A Response to "La Responsa"

     One of the amazing things about the internet is that it gives people the opportunity to connect with each other in ways that we never could before. It gives us the opportunity to look at ideas critically, write about those ideas, and, if we're lucky, receive a response.  My last post, Kiruv Professional Writes about Recruiting Jews on Campus, received a blog post in response. (You can read the original here, but I do want to request that if you do comment on Rachel Eden's post on her blog site, to please feel free to agree or disagree--but be respectful.) I will be referencing her article in pieces in order to respond fairly.
     Rachel begins by writing

Amazing what adrenaline can do. I was hoping for an early night. Just half an hour ago, I was lying in bed (half-asleep) and ready to turn in. I decided that I’d let the blog go for the evening or the week but, by-the-by, found an article in the blogosphere that took my article (this one) out of context to promote different and oppositional ideas so now…I’m awake.  I’d rather not draw anyone’s attention to this blog because I don’t agree with the writer at all but I would like to acknowledge the style of the writer’s (Rebecca’s) article. Rebecca didn’t attack me in any way or at least I don’t feel attacked by Rebecca personally but some of my writing was misinterpreted to fit with her agenda which I don’t love. Rebecca- we’re women- so let’s put it all out there. You’re my Jewish sister. Let’s get real. Really real. Therefore, friends, I give you: La Responsa.

I do sincerely hope that Rachel got a good night's sleep afterwards. For the record, I do try to be very respectful of those I criticize. Just because we disagree doesn't mean that we're not each deserving of respectful dialogue. I want to thank Rachel for recognizing that I wasn't attacking her personally. She continues:

1. In my article “Blowing the Head Off Of Campus Outreach”, the goal for most kiruv professionals is to help a student feel more connected to Judaism, God, other Jews, and to develop (from that connection) a stronger commitment to Judaism. Most kiruv professionals that I’ve spoken to (and I talk to the most fanatic!) do not want carbon copies of themselves or even to force a student into an “orthodox lifestyle” (her words). A the goal for most kiruv professionals is to help a student feel more connected to Judaism, God, other Jews, and to develop (from that connection) a stronger commitment to Judaism. to reflect that connection is not the same thing as forcing someone into a little cookie-cutter mold called “orthodox”.  True story.

     I have to agree and disagree here. I do agree that "the goal for most kiruv professionals is to help a student feel more connected to Judaism, God, other Jews, and to develop (from that connection) a stronger commitment to Judaism." However, it's what those words mean that I find troubling. For a Jewish student connected to a non-orthodox yet Jewish lifestyle, "stronger commitment" means increasing levels of observance. Because the outreach worker happens to be orthodox by default, that person will be emphasizing "a stronger commitment to Judaism," but through orthodox practice. Because orthodox Judaism doesn't recognize the more liberal factions of Judaism to be valid expressions of Judaism, kiruv workers will not be encouraging students to practice Conservative, Reform, Reconstructionist, or Humanist Judaism. Ms. Eden suggests that encouraging students "to reflect that connection [a student's stronger commitment to Judaism] is not the same thing as forcing  someone into a little cookie-cutter mold called "orthodox."" However, she then appears to contradict herself in her second statement:

2. My “brazen” (her words) mention of students needing inner-strength to live a more Jewish life even when friends and, at times, family take exception…Where to start? We all (should) make choices at some point that don’t sit well or even threaten others. Whenever I go on a diet, I inevitably encounter people who are threatened by my new choices and I need to fortify myself to eat healthy and exercise in the face of such people. OK, not quite. It’s been a while since I’ve been on a real diet but the principle is there. It is  hard for certain types of people (usually the insecure types) to feel comfortable when someone else is making choices to live a healthier, happier life (I’m not just talking  about Jews). The idea is that those who truly love us will be happy we’re happy and support us. If not immediately, then eventually. Rebecca: Why fear change? Change can be good! In that vein, why fear questioning? The definition of “brainwash” is to adopt radically different beliefs by using systematic and often forcible pressure. The ability to question is a person’s only chance NOT to get brainwashed and I certainly hope you aren’t trying to brainwash your readers, Rebecca STRONG people QUESTION. WEAK people bury their heads in the sand.

     Let's go back. Ms. Eden said before she doesn't believe in forcing people into orthodox Judaism. Let's give the benefit of the doubt here, and get rid of the word "forcing." (To clarify, I don't believe that people are "forced," but are rather completely misled to believe that orthodox Judaism--the only type of Judaism being peddled by kiruv professionals--is the only valid expression of Judaism.) I see this second statement as contradicting her first statement. If students aren't being pushed or influenced towards orthodox Judaism, then the following should be unnecessary: "We all (should) make choices at some point that don’t sit well or even threaten others....It is  hard for certain types of people (usually the insecure types) to feel comfortable when someone else is making choices to live a healthier, happier life (I’m not just talking  about Jews)." What choices would these students be making that aren't sitting well with others? Is she talking about a move towards ... wait for it ... orthodox Judaism? Ms. Eden suggests that I "fear change." Again, what change would that be? If nobody is pushing orthodoxy, then there is no change. Except that's not true. As I've said before, I have no problem with people coming to orthodoxy by their own volition. The problem I have is when people are willfully misled by kiruv workers who teach that the all-encompassing cozy blanket is "just Judaism." It is not "just Judaism." It is specifically an Ashkenazi brand of orthodox Judaism.
     I do agree that it is very important to give people the ability to question. Of course, this goes both ways. In kiruv, outreach workers encourage their students to question their own non-orthodox lives in order to change their lives. In the real orthodox world, students who question orthodox doctrine, who question orthodoxy, who question their parents and their teachers, are often alienated from the community, rather than given the room to explore other expressions of Judaism, education, and personal satisfaction.
     Since we're talking about allowing people the option of questioning, this seems like a good time to point out this line from Ms. Eden's first paragraph: "I’d rather not draw anyone’s attention to this blog because I don’t agree with the writer at all." By not providing a link  to my blog (which is the writer's prerogative,) and by not providing even the title of the blog, nor the title of the post, Ms. Eden has robbed her own readers of their right to view and question a view that opposes her own. I don't fear questioning at all. The reason I started this blog was specifically for people who are looking for information and who are questioning. By providing information that is often left out by people in kiruv, it helps those who may not want to be steered towards orthodoxy to understand the underlying goal of outreach. This brings us to Ms. Eden's third point:

3. My step-to-step guide of how a kiruv professional develops a relationship with students does sound contrived and, in fact, is contrived. I’m not being facetious when I tell you that I’m not naturally sociable and don’t enjoy socializing, per se. The result of these steps is actually an organic relationship. Proof? My husband and I were “set up” on a blind date that led to a (short) series of dates before our engagement. The whole process was forced, contrived. However, my marriage is anything but contrived. It is very real. One can go through a premeditated series of steps and the outcome of the connection between those two people will depend on those two people- not the steps that got them there. My best friend is dating a guy who had a crush on her for two years and used the pretense of friendship to solidify a bond with her. Was he being dishonest? Honesty isn’t even in the equation. The honesty was his intention to connect and whether they’d end up together was up to their chemistry. Same with my relationships with students. Either we end up having a deep and long-lasting friendship or the chemistry isn’t right.

     The steps are contrived. Regardless of the outcome, the steps themselves are in place to form a relationship that otherwise would not exist. Whether the relationship is good or bad as an end result really isn't the issue at all. Here's an example: A woman is raped. As a result of that rape, she ends up pregnant. For her own personal reasons, she decides not to have an abortion. She decides to keep the baby and the child gives her joy throughout her life. The fact that she loves her child more than anything does not suddenly make rape acceptable. These are two separate issues. Part A--rape is wrong, no matter what the outcome. Part B--the woman has a child whom she loves. In the case of kiruv, Part A is also separated from Part B. The relationship is contrived with a specific goal in mind. If the relationship works out for both parties, that's wonderful, but it doesn't negate Part A.
Let's look at the fourth point.

4. Rebecca seems overly concerned with families who “try to figure out how to relate to their children and how to weather the growing pains of the baal teshuvah”. To me, a healthy and loving family views a member’s growing devotion to Judaism as a positive thing and accommodates the family member’s request for, say, kosher food. If my children ask me to serve them food that is more “kosher” than I’m accustomed to eating, I would be happy that they want to strive for a stronger commitment. I would commend my own parenting efforts because, after all, I taught them the importance of being Jewish which led to this self-discovery. I don’t want my kids to follow my path in Judaism. I want them to follow theirs. Abraham was happy to have Isaac and not another Abraham. Those two were different and had very different paths towards God. Both were good. Neither one should be judged. Abraham wasn’t preoccupied (I assume) with the fact that Isaac didn’t embrace the kindness of hospitality the way he did. Rather, he was proud that Isaac developed the trait of self-restraint and discipline.

     Let's look at this scenario through a different lens, but let's start with Rachel's statement, "I don’t want my kids to follow my path in Judaism. I want them to follow theirs." If Ms. Eden's children were to decide that they no longer believed that orthodox Judaism was the way to go, and instead, opted to live as Humanist Jews, would Ms. Eden be as accommodating to their needs as she expects non-orthodox parents should be to the needs of their BT children? Let's assume that her children are simply following their own path in Judaism. Would she "commend [her] own parenting efforts because, after all, [she] taught them the importance of being Jewish which led to this self-discovery?" If we are expected to understand that "Abraham and Isaac ... were different and had very different paths towards God" then we should understand that all Jews are different and have different pathways in life, making kiruv unnecessary. But that's not the case. A kiruv rabbi who has been commenting on this blog as anonymous but signs off as "AM" ("Anonymous Mekarev") states that:

1. It is the firm position of Halachic Judaism that all Jews have a responsibility to influence others to the realization that there is a creator of the world and that there is a correct code of conduct for human beings in general and Jews (as His reps to the world) in particular.

2. We are to do this by any peaceful means including persuasion because we are held responsible for others' actions and welfare to the amount that we can influence them for the better. We have a moral obligation to educate people about this code of conduct who - through no fault of their own - do not yet understand what is incumbent upon them being born as Jews. (AnonymousDecember 17, 2013 at 4:28 AM)

 These statements actually disprove the idea that the orthodox kiruv worker believes all Jews to have different pathways in life. Sure, maybe in the non-spiritual realm of their lives, but as far as their spiritual lives, outreach professionals believe that those pathways need to be paved with halachic Judaism as defined by orthodoxy. Based on this, it is my belief that while Ms. Eden thinks that non-orthodox parents should be happy to change their own lives to meet the new needs of their grown children, she would not necessarily be quite as happy to do this in the opposite situation.
     Ms. Eden ends her response with number five:

5. Finally, Rebecca’s (and her commenters’) plea for more transparency in campus outreach. I can only speak for myself and my husband when I say that our prayer for our students is a heightened awareness and connection with Judaism. We never made any other claim. Those students that I’m closest with (and are probably reading this) know I bust their chops about dating non-Jewish people because I love them and feel close enough to discuss my opinions openly with them. In return, they discuss their honest opinions with me. I’ve debated some extremely opinionated students in my day and one girl (who I feel very close to) has, indeed, left me changed. I believe she has made me a more open and less judgmental person. I hope I have made her more proud of her Judaism. How much more transparent can I get?
If you have an opinion – whether you agree with me or you don’t- I’d love to hear it.
Rebecca- whoever you are, wherever you are- I love you girl. Before you judge, how about listening with an open heart? You may be surprised there are no devil horns beneath my wig. 

     I will admit that I did chuckle at Rachel's last sentence. Many of my friends on Facebook probably saw my 2013 Halloween picture, in which I sported a pair of purple devil horns. I wear mine openly. Although I will admit that I gave up the wig years ago.
     Let me just take a quick moment to thank Rachel Eden, and my commenter AM, as well as any other kiruv professionals who have read and taken the time to respond to this blog--either as a whole, or in part. While we may not all agree on kiruv (my issue is deceptive kiruv,) I really hope that we can all continue to engage in a mutually respectful dialogue. I recognize that coming out to counter my posts may be daunting, but it shows that you are dedicated to your work. And even if I am not a fan of your work, I do admire your devotion to it. I've said in private conversations that we may disagree on this issue, but that doesn't mean that we disagree on all issues. As a rule, I attack the issue and I don't condone personal attacks. After all, we're not family. (That's a joke.) There are many people who comment on my blog who have suffered greatly because of deceptive practices, so understand that sensitivities often run high. For many, kiruv is a very emotional issue.
     I also want to thank those of you who have supported this blog by commenting, by reading, and by sharing these posts with your friends, family, and/or followers. I want to thank those of you who have reached out via email and Facebook to share your very personal stories with me. I am humbled by your willingness to open up to me, a total stranger. You folks are the reason I'm still writing about kiruv.
     I hope that by providing this side of the story, all of us--regardless of what side of the issue we support--can learn from each other.



Except for the material referenced within the body of the post written by anonymous poster AM, all quoted/indented text is from:
Eden, Rachel. "La Responsa." This Way to Eden. December 17, 2013.

Kiruv Professional Writes About Recruiting Jews on Campus

     On the blog "This Way To Eden-Documenting a Search for a Meaningful Life," Rachel Eden, a

 http://www.says-it.com/unclesam/index.php

woman devoted to kiruv (she's worked for Aish, taught Hebrew School, and worked in campus outreach,) writes about "demystifying kiruv."  In her own words, her "article refers to campus outreach as opposed to all other kinds, which by [her] estimation, is distinguished by its accelerated pace since young people tend to be more open to new ideas and [are] transient."
     In her post, she talks about what she and other outreach professionals look for in college students, and then goes on to write about how students are approached. At the end of the article, she makes a huge point about how few students actually end up orthodox, despite the huge amounts of time and money invested in the campus kiruv venture. She says that the ideal is that seven students per year commit to orthodoxy per campus venture, but believes the number to be lower. However, if seven is the number committing at the end of the year, I would want to know how many are sent on to yeshiva or other programs encouraging an orthodox lifestyle? I believe that students who are being groomed for a possible eventual move to orthodoxy may not necessarily commit to changing their lives while on campus, but are encouraged to go onto other organizations that will help them to get to that point.   
I'm pulling a few excerpts from the December 4, 2013 post because I think that they're very eye-opening. Again, remember that this is coming from someone who is a kiruv professional.

There are a few types of students educated outreach professionals tend to seek.... The idea is that if the assimilation rate is skyrocketing at the speed of lightening, who will your time and effort resonate with best?

1. Middos - good character traits. Nice, normal students. Is this person nice, punctual, helpful? These are questions my source tells me are critical to ask before investing serious time.
2. Intelligence. Torah’s philosophy is brilliant and true- and completely adverse to many ideas we have in the Western world. A student is required to question what s/he thought to be true about priorities and ideas. Such a person (obviously) must be a thinker but proceed with caution if the person takes too much pride in his/her intelligence (see #1)  or has an addiction  (not aspiring) to perfect grades.
3. Inner Strength. A student must have the emotional strength and wherewithal to stand up for what is right or walk away depending on the case. Change is very difficult but change in the face of possible peer or parental pressure requires nothing less than complete grit.1

In Ms. Eden's discussion of the three top traits that kiruv workers should look for when recruiting, she specifically looks for people with "inner strength" and brazenly mentions the difficulty in changing one's life in the face of peer or parental pressure. Of course, a potentially successful recruit would have to change one's life to become orthodox. Ms. Eden is also cautious of people who might be "addicted to perfect grades." She doesn't want people who are perfectionists. If I'm reading her correctly, this is because there is a fear that a potential recruit might take too much on too quickly, and this could cause a whole slew of problems for both the outreach worker and the student. The first quality that is considered important is the willingness to question. A person who is unwilling to question won't question their current lifestyle in order to possibly change it for a new and different lifestyle, in this case, orthodox Judaism.
Let's move on to the second part of  Ms. Eden's discussion about outreach:

Part two are the steps someone in outreach should take if they meet someone who fits the criteria and ..well…seems to like the rabbi/rebbetzin. In the scenario that follows, I’m the rabbi/rebbetzin and you’re the student:

Step 1: We meet. We connect. I ask you for another time to meet and connect.
Step 2: We do this consistently, talk about important philosophical ideas that most people don’t slow down long enough to consider, and we share our lives with one another through these conversations.
Step 3: I invite you over for Shabbat. You eat my food. You meet my family. I enjoy your company. We repeat this cycle often. Before or after Step 3, I throw in other invitations to social or educational programs that take place frequently (example: Maimonides)
Step 4: Our relationship is stronger now.  I invite you to a Shabbaton in a Torah-observant community. You have the opportunity to meet different types of religious  personalities and families to give you a more well-rounded perspective on what it means to live an orthodox life.
Step 5: I invite you to learn and tour in Israel on a short (10 day to 2 week) trip that’s an intense whirlwind of inspiration and gives new meaning to Judaism.
Step 6: We plan a longer trip for you to study in Israel and integrate Jewish ideology into your everyday life and future.

A nice tidy package, huh? Obviously this is an over-simplification but meant to be a generalized structure for creating an environment where positive relationships and a Jewish student community can flourish.2

     Ms. Eden gives us a nice step-by-step list of how kiruv works. A relationship is built gradually. Deep conversations are had. Invitations are issued. That part of the "cycle" is repeated "often." Sounds nice, kind of like a friendship. Except that in this scenario, the target person is befriended only because the outreach worker has determined him/her to be a good choice for a potential recruit, based on the first piece of quoted material. The potential recruit isn't being invited to talk about life's meaning over coffee because the kiruv professional wants to be a friend. The kiruv professional is feeling  him/her out, and if he/she is receptive, then the outreach agent will move to the next step. This way, outreach professionals can say "see? We never pressured anyone. They got involved of their own volition!"
     Following the steps outlined by Ms. Eden, we come to Step 3, in which she mentions that she might toss in invitations to join other programs (she mentions Maimonides--a program run by Meor,) in addition to an invitation to Shabbat at her house with her family. With all of these invitations and discussions going on, the kiruv professional has now gotten the potential recruit involved in a program that pushes a one-sided view of Judaism. But if questioned, this is all "just Jewish." Keep in mind that the college student away from home is now thinking of the rabbi and rebbetzin as friends who are looking out for him or her. The student now trusts these people, and believing them to be friends, or at the very least, people who care for him/her,  and is more likely to be convinced to get involved in any extracurricular programs that they run. The problem here is that this relationship is not based on honesty. The student is being honest and may be thrilled to have such deep conversations, but the student is not aware that the reason this relationship exists is for the sake of recruiting this student to orthodoxy.
     Steps 5 and 6 take the student to different venues to study Judaism. Jewish students are told about Birthright and may be encouraged to travel on a Birthright trip sponsored by the campus rabbi's organization. If the student shows an even greater interest, he/she will be further encouraged to attend a yeshiva abroad.
     I stated earlier that Ms. Eden said that maybe they get seven people to commit to orthodoxy a year per campus. (Again, keep in mind that a person may become orthodox at yeshiva in step 6, so he/she isn't necessarily orthodox from the campus rabbi.) That may not sound like a lot. But let's take one hundred campuses with seven recruits per year on average. That's still seven hundred new recruits. That's seven hundred kids who started off as non-orthodox Jews and rejected their upbringing. That's seven hundred families that will have been thrown into disarray, as parents try to figure out how to relate to their children and how to weather the growing pains of the baal teshuvah, who, at times will exhibit self-righteous behavior and disdain for their upbringing. 
     Comments from people on this blog can often be broken into two camps: people defending Jewish outreach and people against Jewish outreach. This is because those who defend kiruv feel that they are doing what their god wants, and people who are opposed find that notion to be ridiculous and offensive (and very similar to what non-Jewish missionaries do.) However, the one thing that the anti-deceptive kiruv camp wants is more transparency in outreach. You want to proselytize? That's great. Tell people from the very beginning why you are on campus. Tell them that you'd love for them to become orthodox and that's your sole purpose for being on campus. Explain to them that you, the outreach worker, are teaching strictly from an orthodox perspective and that you would like the students under your tutelage to ultimately become observant. Let's face it. Shouldn't people who claim to be brethren exercise at least the same respect that Jehovah's Witnesses and Latter Day Saints exercise towards us? At least they tell us who they are and that they're hoping we'll accept Jesus. Why are our own brethren not even giving us the benefit of a straight story and instead, resorting to deception in order to further their own agenda?


1. Eden, Rachel. "Blowing the Head Off of Outreach." This Way To Eden, Documenting a Search for a Meaningful Life. 12/4/2013.
2. ibid.

Self-Hating Jews, Child Abuse, and New Recruits

     I rarely post more than once a week, but I think that it's important to share this article: "The Child-Rape Assembly Line; In Ritual Bathhouses of the Jewish Orthodoxy, Children Are Systematically Abused" by Christopher Ketcham. 
 As I've mentioned before both on this blog and in the public sphere, there are certain dangerous attitudes that exist within the ultra-orthodox community. One such attitude is that if a person criticizes orthodoxy or orthodox Jews, one is automatically labeled an "anti-Semite" or, if Jewish, a "self-hating Jew." People who have commented on this blog have called me a self-hating Jew for criticizing kiruv/Jewish outreach. I have read disparaging comments on other forums in which people have claimed that I hate orthodox Jews; and I have received email accusing me of all of the above. The reason I bring this up along with this article is not just to spread awareness of issues plaguing the ultra-orthodox community, but to point out that the ultra-orthodox community consistently paints themselves as victims when criticized. Rather than looking at themselves and their practices critically in order to make positive changes, they lash out at the person or people making the allegations.

     Seven years ago, Rabbi Rosenberg started blogging about sex abuse in his community and opened a New York City hotline to field sex abuse complaints.... Today, he is the lone whistleblower among the Satmar. For this he is reviled, slandered, hated, feared. He receives death threats on a regular basis. In Yiddish and Hebrew newspapers, advertisements taken out by the self-described “great rabbis and rabbinical judges of the city of New York” have denounced him as “a stumbling block for the House of Israel,” “a public rebuker and preacher of ethics” who “persists in his rebelliousness” and whose “voice has been heard among many Jewish families, especially young people in their innocence… drawn to listen to his poisonous and revolting speeches.” Leaflets distributed in Williamsburg and Borough Park, the centers of ultra-Orthodoxy in Brooklyn, display his bearded face over the body of a writhing snake. "Corrupt Informer," reads one of the leaflets, followed by the declaration that Rabbi Rosenberg’s “name should rot in hell forever. They should cut him off from all four corners of the earth.”
     ...Like the Catholic establishment, the rabbinate seeks to cover up the crimes, quiet the victims, protect the abusers, and deflect potential criticism of their institutional practices. Those who speak out are vilified, and the faithful learn to shut their mouths.

      ...As for Rabbi Rosenberg, when he voiced his concerns to the rabbinate in Israel, he was brought up on charges by the mishmeres hatznuis, the archconservative Orthodox “modesty squad,” which regulates, often through threats of violence, proper moral conduct and dress in the relations between men and women. The modesty squad is a sort of Jewish Taliban. According to Rabbi Rosenberg, the rapist he caught in the act was a member of the modesty squad, which charged him with the unconscionable offense of having previously been seen walking down a street in Jerusalem with a married woman. “But it’s OK to molest children,” he adds.

      ...The abuse and its cover-up are symptoms of wider political dysfunction—or, more precisely, symptoms of socially disastrous political control by religious elites (Ketcham.)

But there are two issues at play here. The first, which I discussed above--in short, the playing of the anti-Semitism/self-hating Jew card, is something that I've noticed across the spectrum of the readers of this blog, and certainly in the orthodox world in general. The second issue is how perpetrators of sex crimes against children are protected in the ultra orthodox community--a community which many ba'al teshuvas (newly religious people) ultimately join. Ketcham reports what's obvious to those who've left the orthodox community, but what those who are new to the community often don't realize:

Families saddled with an increasing number of children soon enter into a cycle of poverty. There is simultaneously an extreme separation of the sexes, which is unprecedented in the history of the Hasidim. There is limited general education, to the point that most men in the community are educated only to the third grade, and receive absolutely no sexual education. No secular newspapers are allowed, and internet access is forbidden. “The men in the community are undereducated by design,” Ben said. “You have a community that has been infantilized. They have been trained not to think. It’s a sort of totalitarian control.”

The rabbis, dominating an ignorant and largely poverty-stricken flock, determine the fate of every individual in the community. Nothing is done without the consent of the rabbinical establishment. A man wants to buy a new car—he goes to the rabbi for counsel. A man wants to marry—the rabbi tells him whether or not he should marry a particular bride. As for the women, they don’t get to ask the rabbi anything. Their place is beneath contempt (Ketcham.)

Of course there will be readers who say that this article is about the Satmar community, a community that doesn't try to make people religious, so therefore it shouldn't impact on those interested in becoming orthodox. But this is hardly restricted to the Satmar community. In repressive communities that rely on social pressure to make sure that women's skirts stay a certain length, the same social pressure is exerted to keep people from calling the police on abusers, and to keep people from testifying in court.
     So, how does any of this get resolved? Should people not criticize the ultra-orthodox community for fear of being labeled anti-Semitic? Should the ultra-orthodox community keep sweeping these heinous crimes against society's most vulnerable members under the rug? Maybe we should we educate people both inside and outside of these communities, so they are aware of what goes on and can protect themselves and others. Perhaps being honest with new recruits about what really goes on in some of these communities may take away the romanticized idealism that new recruits have towards ultra-orthodoxy, but isn't that a small price to pay in order to protect future children from such atrocities? I'd say it's worth the self-hating Jew label, without a doubt.

Ketcham, Christopher. "The Child-Rape Assembly Line
In Ritual Bathhouses of the Jewish Orthodoxy, Children Are Systematically Abused." Vice Media. 11/12/ 2012.

Pre-Halloween Kiruv Zombie Apocalypse

Don't judge zombies by zombies.

     I can count on many hands the number of people who, at some time or another, in an attempt at kiruv, have said to me "don't judge Judaism by Jews." Usually this response comes in the course of a conversation in which we're discussing why I, after joining the world of orthodoxy, decided to go back to my secular life. There are many, many reasons why I left, but as soon as I mention topics like the lack of acceptance of BTs (baal teshuvas/the newly religious) or the bad behavior that runs rampant in many communities (speaking badly about non-Jews, non-whites, non-orthodox, people in other sects of both orthodox and non-orthodox Judaism, sexual abuse, emotional blackmail, agunot--women whose husbands won't grant them a Jewish divorce, sexism, hypocrisy, etc.,) the line that is delivered, as if on cue, is always "don't judge Judaism by Jews." (Strangely, this statement may be one of the few things that most kiruv professionals have in common.) While I do agree that groups should not be judged by the actions of some of their members, after hearing about so many negative stories, it's understandable (not justifiable) how people might end up doing just that.
     Let's take pop-culture's appropriation of zombies for example. In films, cartoons, comics, and literature, we read about people rising from the dead and often following the direction of a sorcerer or head zombie. They feast usually on the flesh or brains of the unsuspecting. Most would-be victims see a zombie and run, hide, and/or try to protect others from certain death. Now, imagine if there was this one zombie who said to people "hey guys, this is wrong. You can't judge all zombies based on these experiences. Don't judge zombies by zombies." Would people stop running and hiding? Would they suddenly start thinking that the zombies coming towards them are just looking for friendship? It sounds like a ridiculous argument because we accept that zombies don't really exist, but, as with anyone, if we grow accustomed to bad behaviors, we often become conditioned to expect those behaviors. Such conditioning often leads to distrust and fear on one hand, and an unwillingness to overlook the bad, in order to see any good that does exist.
     So, if we're not judging Judaism by Jews, then how are we judging it? Let's go back to our zombie analogy. So, let's say you were a zombie and you left zombie culture to become a non-zombie. "Well," a member of the zombie community says to you, "you should come back. Don't judge all of us because some of us eat brains, have a lack of communication skills, (we're conversing right now, are we not?) have pale gray skin with unhealed wounds, and a one track mind." The zombie pauses while you process. "I actually used to be a film student/singer/photographer/physicist/surfer before becoming a zombie. I don't eat brains. In fact, I'm a vegan. I'm not like the other zombies. And I know many others who aren't like those other unscrupulous zombies out there." Of course, that doesn't mean that one should drop his/her whole life and become  zombie for the first time, or even go back to being a zombie if one was previously a zombie. A good idea would be to take an independent look at zombie culture and do my own research. Should I let my new very unzombie-like friend try to convince me that his zombie'ism is really not like that of the other zombie'ism that I may have experienced?
     Now, not every zombie is going to be like the ones you meet on the street in the dead of the night. And that's fine. There are a great many wonderful zombies out there. But the thing is this: just because this nice guy is a zombie and thinks it's fabulous, doesn't mean that you should change your whole life to become a zombie. Just because he's having a great time, and he's happy and it works for him, doesn't mean that you should quit your degree program and walk around with your arms outstretched, scaring the life out of people. You can have a great time at his house eating that vegan dinner but you don't have to become him. Just because he doesn't think you should judge all zombies because of the actions of some zombies, is still not a justification for adopting his lifestyle. "We don't all eat brains. Why don't you be a zombie who doesn't eat brains, like me?"
     Not everybody wants to be a zombie. It would be great if kiruv professionals would realize that, just like becoming a zombie, not everyone is looking to become orthodox, either.

Individual Truths Revealed Through Satire

     Back in 2010, orthodox blogger Heshy Fried wrote a post entitled "The Top 10 Kiruv Indoctrination Practices" on his blog, "Frum Satire." (For those unfamiliar, Frum Satire is a blog in which Heshy writes about orthodoxy and issues important to orthodox Jews using satire.) This is what Merriam-Webster has to say about satire:

sat·ire

noun \ˈsa-ˌtī(-ə)r\ : a way of using humor to show that someone or something is foolish, weak, bad, etc. : humor that shows the weaknesses or bad qualities of a person, government, society, etc.

     In my opinion, it's very telling when someone within the orthodox world comes forward and calls  acts of kiruv "indoctrination practices" and refers to those who've become orthodox as having "drank the Kool-Aid." According to Heshy, the top ten kiruv indoctrination practices are as follows: Shabbos Meals, Gematria (which A. Nuran explains in the comments section as "superstitious numerological nonsense which allows you to “prove” any damned thing you want by assigning values to letters and letting the Law of Large Numbers lead you astray. Search through a big enough text with it and you can find any message you want including “No matter how you slice it it’s still baloney,”) Motivational Speakers, Frum Theologians or Scientists, Former Ministers, Beginner's Minyanim, Pay You, Free Trips, Books Written by Famous People Who Became Frum, and The Internet. Under each heading, Heshy gives about a paragraph of explanation. For example:

Pay you: I never thought the day would come when I could get paid to attend services or come to a class, but on college campuses this is starting to become the norm for non-Chabad Rabbis to do. They tell you that if you come to class every week they will give you $500 or a “free” scuba diving trip (another chance for kiruv indoctrination.) I have also heard of rabbis paying people to attend services, or put on tefillin every day.

While I agree with all of those he's listed (and several that didn't make the cut,) the best part of his article was--you guessed it--the comments. But before I go there, I want to mention again that Heshy Fried is an orthodox blogger pointing out some of the issues in orthodox society. I've been reading his blog for years, I've had the pleasure of sharing in several email exchanges with him, and I find him to be refreshingly down to earth. When Heshy puts up a post, we accept that he's showing us the world through his eyes. The comments that come up usually run the gamut from pure hatred of his blog posts to agreement with his sentiment, to further explanation by those who have had direct experiences with the subject of the specific post. About two weeks ago, I received an email from someone who accused me, based on reading my blog,  of hating religious people and harboring great hatred towards the religious community. Unfortunately, as I've stated in other posts, it's been my experience that many in the orthodox world, both publicly and privately, label people who disagree with them or find fault within the orthodox world as anti-Semites or self-hating Jews. My response to the email was simple:

I believe you're mistaken. Critical analysis of the practices of certain factions of a larger group does not translate to "anger" or "hatred."

What needs to exist is a safe space to offer criticism of groups that we either are, or were, a part of, in order to offer our knowledge and opinions of these subjects--in this case--Jewish outreach--so that they can be found by others who are searching for other perspectives. Heshy's post on kiruv practices gave way to a safe space for open debate and shared conversation. I'm posting some of the comments here for further discussion. I also want to point out that only in the interest of clarity have I corrected some of the spelling and grammar, but otherwise, the comments are as they exist on the original post.

Gevaldigger June 28, 2010, 6:51 PM Kiruv in the college scene has turned into a real business (non-profit of course). You must see these Yentes shout out on the campuses, wow; “Are you Jewish?” “Oh, you look Jewish, come to my house for shabbos”"Come on, I know you’re Jewish!”
It’s a real bizayon to find out they keep elaborate databases of all the students they’re involved with. There’s a whole group of students that are fighting the college campus kiruv movements; especially frum students, since they make it a point to shoo the frummies away since they aren’t cool enough apparently.
I laughed when I saw my friend’s picture on the pamphlet for one of the trips. She’s not frum at all, she just loves to party and gets paid to promote the program....
 I’m really glad you’re exposing this in a positive light, since as much fun as being frum is (ok, just a teensy bit of sarcasm there), we really don’t need members of our community going out selling orthodox judaism as as a bunch of cheap thrills and free trips.
Something I give credit to Rabbi Rabbs (ok buddy, don’t get ahead of yourself, I didn’t say I agree with everything you say) [ha'omer bshem omro meyveee.......]:
If you’re worried that the Jewish nation will disappear, you lack emunas hashem. Clear and Simple, God made a promise. Our nation will not disappear.

So it’s really time for these college campus movements to stop selling OUR Judaism short. No more motorcycle riders, no more ex-priests. How about for once they bring in a few greasy shucklers from Philly or Mir and let ‘em all know about the Gishmake Thurs night cholent instead of the Kegs sponsored by unknowing donors. 

Devorah June 29, 2010, 11:20 AM What a great post! Soo true. I’ve enjoyed reading the comments section also.… I’m glad to see that others feel the same way about the tactics of some of these organizations as I do…it really is an obscene amount of marketing, with slick, well-spoken rabbi’s (in both Aish and Chabad), glossy websites, and giving away freebies like they’re going out of style (why don’t they divert all these funds to improve their own schools, and get genuine, truly learned, nurturing teachers, who actually know what they’re doing, and smaller class sizes? Then maybe so many kids wouldn’t go OTD).

What pisses me off is the way these movements target people in vulnerable situations, such as college students who are on their own for the first time in the big, wide world, away from their families, prisoners, sick people, new immigrants (including olim).
I also think it sucks when kiruv organizations shoo frum people away from their cool programs, (despite the fact that they advertise them publicly), as if it can destroy their marketing ploy. In Jerusalem, I needed a Shabbat meal, and I heard that a Chabad Rabbi in the old city had big ones going. I got told that no, i couldn’t come, I was too religious, and I’d be taking up a potential spot of a non religious person who could show up at the last minute. This sort of attitude definitely goes against what Chabad kids are taught from the cradle: “God may have put you on earth for 70 or 80 years just so you can do a favor for someone else.”
The best way to attract people to Torah and Mitzvot, is to just be kind to people. That’s it .... You are doing a Jew a favor because he needs it, not because you hope to make him frum.  

effetexas June 28, 2010, 8:01 PM I have to admit I was drawn to Yiddishkeit through Shabbos meals and beginners' minyans. My frustration was after they pull you in they expect you to : 1 put on a black hat (I like my medium sized knitted kippah, thanks.) (2) move to NY , Baltimore, or Chicago.... (3) this is Chabad-centric but, wear a gartel when davening and hang on every “Rebbe released from jail ” story like it's gospel. If you don't do these things you're a lost cause apikorus or worse—Modern Orthodox!! gevalt……shanda….. gevalt!'

Drew Mazanec June 28, 2010, 8:09 PM What got me was the Shabbos meal and the local Jewish Learning Center, where Haredi kiruvites give free classes, where you get invited for Shabbos meals, until you realize you’re spending every Saturday with the frum community because you are getting more meal invites than you can take, from people who seem so nice! After a few months, I moved into the community (cuz where else do you know absolutely everybody who lives within a half mile radius?) and a few months later it dawned on me.

It dawned on me like it dawned on Nebuchadnezzar. Remember him from Daniel? He went mad for a while, eating wild grass, being driven from men, until his hair grew wild like eagles’ feathers and his fingernails like talons? Imagine how he must have felt when his mind returned to him, looking at his ragged condition asking “What the hell just happened?”
Yeah, that’s how I felt. “Holy crap. I’m frum.” Yet I did not go off the derech at that point. I was too connected to the community. It took a move to a different city to successfully break off from frumkeit. Escaped by the skin of my teeth. If I had been successfully shidduch’d, I’d have been sealed inside.

Anonymous June 28, 2010, 9:25 PM I’ve seen all of these, except the former ministers; none of them really got me hooked. But when the Chabad rabbi on my college campus showed up at the AEPi house (where I was living) to help the brothers build a sukkah, I could have guzzled a gallon of koolaide. Sure, it took some false starts before I became fully shomer mitzvos, but you shouldnt think kiruv is a small-minded effort, with standard tactics and no creativity.

Guest June 29, 2010, 2:23 PM Those that were healthy and balanced going in, can easily maintain/reacquire their sense of normalcy, after the fact, as long as they don’t buy into this notion that now they are frum, they have to forget about all that introductory fluff, and realize that Judaism is about conformity, restricting freedoms, and maximizing self-denial. That approach may have worked for people in the 16th century, but is not sustainable for many of us now. Or desirable.

Esther July 1, 2010, 3:48 PM As a new immigrant at the age of 14, I ended up in an Orthodox yeshiva designed to turn ignorant Russian Jews like myself into good Orthodox ones… I recall shabbos meals, staying over at religious people’s homes so they can school us, sitting through a never ending Pesach seder with nobody explaining anything and our English being severely inadequate at the time… I don’t recall anyone offering to pay though. That could have sealed the deal. As it was, my mom pulled, nay, yanked me out of there and placed me in a public school as soon as she noticed that I had been in an all female setting so long and I had no idea what to do around boys. Thankfully, all that’s changed now. At this point, I wouldn’t know what do without them.

     There are many opinions about orthodox kiruv practices. And many of these opinions may be viewed as negative. However, when you have people within the orthodox community who find that these practices are problematic, I have to wonder why Big (and little) Kiruv isn't taking a closer look in the mirror. Where is their faith? Commenter Gevaldigger makes a great point and maybe those involved in deceptive kiruv need to listen harder: "If you’re worried that the Jewish nation will disappear, you lack emunas Hashem [faith in God.] Clear and Simple, God made a promise. Our nation will not disappear."

All quotes, including comments are from:
Fried, Heshy. "Top 10 Kiruv Indoctrination Practices." Frum Satire. 6/28/2010.