How They Take Custody of Your Kids 101: Recipe for Alienation

Guest Post by Anonymous
Note from Rebecca M. Ross: Divorce is never easy. In the non-orthodox world, divorce can be traumatic for both children and adults as they experience the dissolution of the family unit. But in the frum world, if one spouse leaves orthodoxy and the couple divorces, bitter and expensive custody battles often ensue, children are alienated from the no longer religious parent, and whole communities take it upon themselves to shun the person who left. This recipe for pain and alienation is described in this piece. Those of us working on the Jewish Outreach: What Your Rabbi Isn't Telling You blog are grateful for the opportunity to reprint these words.

  Quick way and strategy they take full custody of your kids 101 and how one can easily fall for it--
1. They send very strong attorney letters to you saying you are mentally unstable and a danger to your kids. Very strong and intimidating and outlining clearly some crazy examples and such strong language that you are now very scared.
2. You attempt to get an attorney and you are told you need a massive retainer $$$$$ and the attorney tells you this won't be an easy case and may go on for years and this retainer will only last a few weeks.
3. You look for a free attorney and find out that is easier said then done and they are all lame and don't return calls and are so bad that you are guaranteed to lose.
4. During all this time you are broke. Trying to find work and realize that you will make less then enough to pay rent and actually eat too....
5. They have filed something with the court or they just simply aren't allowing you to see them and you have no recourse so while this is going on you do not see your kids or maybe you see them sporadically and you are starting to freak out.
6. You either hired regular attorney and are running out of funds and desperate and it's dragging on and retainer is almost gone you have no more funds for next payment and there is no end in sight or you hired free attorney and see they suck and kids are slipping away... time is passing....
7. Your ex (with financial help from anyone who decides to help save the kids neshamas) nasty attorneys are firing scary bomb letters to the court and you and you feel doomed.
8. IN MIDDLE OF ALL THIS... you get a call from a "kind" rabbi who wishes to HELP--
THIS IS THE KICKER.
  He offers to make court go away... and will try really hard to help you and "convince" your ex to agree via Bais Din and he (this Rabbi) has a heart and wants to help from the bottom of his "heart" now he says... look you aren't as frum as you were and your house may have a TV, etc. so I propose that you see your kids not on shabbos or yom tov... you understand I will have to really work on your ex to him/her to agree to you seeing the children at all and get this concession and I will do it bec[ause] I really "care" about you and want you and the kids to be close.
Now in the process, you no longer will have to pay attorneys and we will agree to this in the beis din...he says.
You are broke--
Want to see your kids desperately
You can't continue paying attorneys that can guarantee nothing
So you agree
It is binding... in court of law.
Now since you have to work you get a few hours at night on a weekday
And Sunday... to see your kids. This is better then nothing and you aren't guaranteed this good deal with your attorneys that you can't pay for anyways... so you agree.
Soon they say your house is not suitable kosher, TV blah blah so no visitation in the house...
You can take them anywhere else
Pizza shop
Zoo
Etc. Kosher places... No movies of course.
Then Sunday hours become less and less
9-5 becomes 10-4 and then 11-3 and then 12-2
After a while...
They have bombarded the kids against you.
Alienated them
Brainwashed them
The kids are sullen
The kids won't talk much
The kids don't show affection anymore
Midweek visits are gone bec[ause] they say there is too much homework and kids are tired after long day at yeshiva... so you only see them Sunday.
More time goes by... older kids act angry and nasty and start refusing to come... You may be relieved because they are acting so hurtful towards you anyways and it is so painful....
You can't force them anyway.
The nice rabbi says "oy we can't force him, what can I do?" He does nothing of course--this is all part of the plan.
The younger ones get older and do the same in short order....
Meanwhile you went through hell thinking up fun activities and cried a million tears and buying gifts they show no appreciation for.... No phone calls are returned by kids....
This is the recipe.

Welcome to Kiruv City. Speed Limit: Faster! Faster!

In Defense of the Bitter Ex-BT Blogs
A Guest Post by DK

This essay was originally posted on The Kvetcher blog in January 2007. At the time, the new power and challenge of the Internet generally and blogs specifically were being reckoned with by the haredi world in an intense way.  This article was posted in response to "The Dilemma of the Talented ex-BTs,” by Ron Coleman on the baal teshuvah [newly ultra-Orthodox] support site, Beyond BT. His piece dealt with the problems of ex-baal teshuvah bloggers specifically to the kiruv [“outreach”] movement and beyond.  “In Defense of the Bitter Ex-BT Blogs “ was my defense of this specific subset of ex-baal teshuvah writers. The Kvetcher blog is currently locked.

The focus of this essay was restricted to defending the newly ultra-Orthodox bloggers who took it upon themselves to warn others about what they witnessed,  and critique the institutions and attitudes they experienced. This repost was inspired by Brielle Levy and others who seem unwilling to recognize entry problems cause by Big Kiruv.  But it is dedicated to all who have spoken out despite their shame and fear, willing to suffer ridicule and condemnation in order to warn others of the cost and realities of joining an ultra-Orthodox enclave.

--

Ron Coleman is a black hat fellow, as he has revealed in comments on this blog as well as elsewhere.  Naturally, he is not very happy with what the "bitter ex-BT bloggers" are writing about the haredi BT world.

Coleman writes:

Because ultimately my rather mundane point, of course, is that it is a special bitterness -- I cannot say wickedness; we all are tinokos shenishbu (compared to "captured children") -- that makes a talented former BT, man or woman, do this. They do not just walk away from what they think is a car wreck of a spiritual journey but flag everyone else tooling happily along the road and swear that the bridge is out, there are monsters waiting on the next exit and that it was actually much better where they were coming from and you can't U-turn fast enough to get back there.

 And he asks, "What motivates them?"

Coleman offers that, "My armchair psychology tells me that they would rather believe the journey is an eight-lane disaster than consider whether they themselves forgot to check the oil under their own hoods before setting out."

Well, Ron is assuming that none of us take any ownership for our actions. In fact, many of us do, and frequently do not forgive ourselves for doing so.

The newly religious are "encouraged to
drive quite fast and reckless."

In the haredi BT world, you are frequently discouraged from checking under the hood. All too often, you are sent to the races, and encouraged to drive quite fast and reckless. And sometimes--go figure--you end up in a few fender benders, and get dizzy, and feel like you are going nowhere except in circles. Then when you announce you don't like this race anymore, people start changing. No one in the racetrack wants to help you, especially the referees on the side wearing the black and white outfits of authority. Instead they yell at you you for riding off the racetrack. If you're lucky,--very lucky--someone might secretly whisper in your ear that it's okay if you stop racing like you have been. But almost everyone at the racetrack just tries to get you to race some more. And then things get ugly. Because you want to reclaim your car, and some people don't approve of changing tires, new brakes, or adding gas. Definitely not adding gas.

So you go outside, and you stay kinda quiet. And you don't tell people about your racing days. Only a couple of people know. But then you see that they are opening more racetracks, and adding bleachers to the old ones, always recruiting new racers. And you see that the referees were the same ones who were there when you used to race, and are making the tracks even more dangerous in accordance with management's new rules for still better racing.

And you feel a sense of solidarity for the new racers, especially the young ones.  You want to tell them what you know about racing. And make sure they do check the oil, and make sure they don't drive too fast, that they get enough gas, and quite frankly, not to trust that the referees are on their side. Because they are not. They are simply there first and foremost to make people race as fast as they can make them, in accordance with management's wishes.

So you announce you have some questions; you have some concerns. But you are told that you have to go to customer service if you have a complaint. But they don't want to listen; they just want you to shut up. They even tell you that they will only listen to your complaint if you ask very, very nicely and politely, and don't say anything bad about the racetrack. And you see the customer service manager through the window, and it turns out, the manager is the same referee you have a problem with, or at least, is related to him.

But one day, outside the racetrack, they invent a bullhorn. And you pick it up, and stand outside the racetrack. And you start protesting the treatment of the racers, and the insanity of the racetrack.  And some people hear you, and they start listening. And you find other protesters of the racetrack, other former racetrack racers. Sometimes you stand together, sometimes you stand alone. But because you are saying bad things about the referees and even criticizing the racetrack itself, you are all declared haters of racing.  Even though some of you privately still race on your own terms, though not at a racetrack, and yeah, some of you indeed don't race all that much anymore.

But it isn't racing itself you are really against. It's the referees and the specific demands they make, as well as concern of what is expected and demanded of the racers, who seem less of a priority than the race itself, and whose individual needs and limits are casually and assiduously brushed aside, even delegitimized.

But my goal--and I believe frequently the goal of other former racers like me--is not really to stop the racers from racing, though admittedly, that isn't my concern. My concern is the racer. Because the owner of the racetrack does not speak directly, and I don't believe that the managers report to him as directly as they claim. For if they did, the racers would be surely be treated differently, and the race a different experience altogether.

If the referees and managers cannot dispute our charges but neither can they change the house rules of the race, but can only call the protesters "racer haters," then their racetracks are simply not to be considered appropriate for most new racers, particularly the youngest racers.

There are other racetracks, slower ones with wider lanes and service roads.  These must be utilized instead, or built from scratch. I don't claim to have the perfect balance. I don't claim to have all the answers. But I do have the questions.
And if the recruits don't know how to ask them, and their parents don't understand the real questions either, and the FFBs certainly have no interest in raising them on their behalf, and even the best and seasoned BTs are only willing to hint at the crucial questions lest they draw a yellow flag (it isn't hard to do), then who will ask them if we don't? Who, Ron?

You?

DK is a blogger at Kvetcher.net.

Ed. Note: This post was reposted with all of the original links intact.

Keeping it Hidden

Kiruv'd? Hide your BT status!

     Once upon a time, when I decided to uproot my secular life and become a ba'al teshuva (newly religious Jew,) I was strongly advised by an orthodox woman (who had been, decades before, a BT--ba'al teshuva,) that I should never, ever tell anyone that I was not always religious. "Tell them you're from out of town," she advised. "But don't tell them you're a BT." Of course, in my naivete, I privately laughed at this advice. I'm proud of my background, I thought to myself. I have no regrets, I'm not ashamed of anything I've done.
     Fast forward to the present time. I was researching material on the topic of what happens after kiruv workers convince the non-orthodox to take on an ultra-orthodox lifestyle. (Again, I'm talking about ultra-orthodoxy--meaning any orthodoxy that is past modern orthodoxy in observance and stringency.) I found a lot of interesting material on what those who become orthodox can expect, and much of what they can expect is kept well-hidden from new inductees during the process of becoming frum (religious.) I've included links to some pretty interesting articles, each highlighting different aspects of post-outreach ultra-orthodoxy. From how children of BTs are treated, to how FFB's [frum from birth--those who were born orthodox to orthodox parents] really feel about interacting with BTs, to the stresses of an orthodox lifestyle, to how communities enmeshed in kiruv-work are forgetting about their own community members, I've tried to create a montage of perspectives on what often happens once a person commits to an ultra-orthodox lifestyle. I hope that you'll take the time to click on the included links, and read the articles and the comments for greater insight.
     Rabbi Yakov Horowitz reprinted Catriel Sugarman's article from The Jewish Voice and Opinion, entitled "The Yeshiva World and the Children of Baalei Teshuva: The Ugly Secret," sparking a huge number of comments. Sugarman makes the interesting point that while the newly religious may think they have been fully accepted into a community, they very often find that once they have children, their kids face discrimination in school, social settings, and even later on, when it comes to getting married. Often such innocent-sounding questions on school applications for incoming students asking about the family's history, require the checking off of the box next to the term "ba'al teshuva," and for how long. These students are often treated as social pariahs, snubbed by both teachers and fellow students, regardless of how long the parents have studied Judaism in formal settings. Rare is it that the child of BTs is treated well, the article mentions, although there are exceptions, for instance, if the family is very wealthy and can contribute substantially to the school. The article provides accounts of bullying suffered by children, due only to their BT status in the community. What kiruv professionals failed to tell the parents they brought into orthodoxy was that despite teaching that a BT is considered higher up for having left the secular world and taken on the obligations of the orthodox world, BTs in the orthodox world are often treated poorly and have extremely low status.
     Sugarman's article isn't the only place that you can read about the plight of those who get past kiruv and become orthodox. A 2005 article on the Jewish Worker blog entitled "A Baal Teshuva's Fate in the Haredi World" discusses an explanation made by a woman married to the son of a ba'al teshuva. The problem, which is expressed in various articles around the internet, is that because BTs retain contact with their non-orthodox family and friends, they put the frum [orthodox] community at risk of being influenced towards a secular lifestyle, thus justifying the exclusion and alienation of the very people they worked so hard to make frum. She stated that a relative in education explained the low status and discrimination faced by BTs and their children this way:

He said that many Baalei Teshuva stay in contact with their non-religious families. Therefore they are a tremendous danger to everyone else. After all, the friends may actually see a non-religious person in the house etc.... Therefore she concluded, that it is better to hurt individual baalei teshuva then to put the whole community at harm.1

     "Humpty Dumpty Had A Great Fall," an article on Beyond BT, takes us on the journey of a person from pre-outreach to kiruv to BT to  leaving orthodoxy. The writer, whose byline is Little Frumhouse on the Prairie, vividly paints the picture of orthodox life as a BT wife and mother. She shows us how frum life can be frenzied, hectic, and both financially and mentally stressful, and can easily lead to a person leaving that lifestyle, even if the person was raised in a stable, non-orthodox environment.
     Finally, in "Chabad Fails Its Own Long Term Members, Chabadnik Says" an article found on Failed Messiah by guest writer Chabad Spring, the writer wants to "Turn Chabad Upside [down] and focus on in reach",[sic.] Chabad Spring urges his own Chabad community to curtail funding to outreach/kiruv efforts to non-religious Jews and to help their own community to maintain a decent standard of living. He talks about the extreme poverty that community members face due to the high cost of raising large families and sending them on to expensive yeshivahs. Instead, the writer points out that their own community's costs could be offset with funding that is put towards bringing more and more non-orthodox Jews to this lifestyle (including the costs of helping those on shlichos, or outreach missions--such as the families of college campus rabbis, those families running Chabad Houses in foreign cities, small towns, etc.) Chabad Spring writes:

Reality is, and it’s no secret, almost all our resources are going towards fishing for new Jews to join into our system, and making more frie[secular] people frum[orthodox].  We have Friendship circles, holocaust survivor circles, release time, youth programs for college kids, youth programs for kids who come to Chabad house, Camp Lemaan Achy,   Camps for yalday hashluchim [the children of Chabad's outreach workers],  you name it if you are not yet Frum = Chabad has something for you. Every sheliach [Chabad missionary] out there is doing his best to be mekarev yidden [get non-orthodox Jews to become orthodox], yet the fact of the matter is that there is none or little programming funds, resources, or attention paid to us, who are actually living the Chabad Working  lifestyle.[sic]2 

      In conversations on social media, I have been accused of trying to keep people from becoming orthodox. Rather than keeping people from orthodoxy, I think that most rational people understand that in making important life choices, it is beneficial to be presented with all information on these choices. That includes even the information that may be viewed as negative. Some may see this blog as providing that negative information, and question why I don't give the other side of the story. Well, that's where all of the outreach workers and their organizations come in. I am filling in the other side of the story, the side that you have to scour the internet for because those in kiruv would rather this side of the story remain hidden.


1. Bluke. A Baal Teshuva's Fate in the Charedi World. The Jewish Worker. 9/17/2005. Accessed 7/24/2013.
2. Chabad Spring. "Turn Chabad Upside and focus on in reach." hosted on Failed Messiah. 7/24/2012. Accessed 7/24/2013.