Guest Post by Anonymous
Note from Rebecca M. Ross: Divorce is never easy. In the non-orthodox world, divorce can be traumatic for both children and adults as they experience the dissolution of the family unit. But in the frum world, if one spouse leaves orthodoxy and the couple divorces, bitter and expensive custody battles often ensue, children are alienated from the no longer religious parent, and whole communities take it upon themselves to shun the person who left. This recipe for pain and alienation is described in this piece. Those of us working on the Jewish Outreach: What Your Rabbi Isn't Telling You blog are grateful for the opportunity to reprint these words.
Quick way and strategy they take full custody of your kids 101 and how one can easily fall for it--
1. They send very strong attorney letters to you saying you are mentally
unstable and a danger to your kids. Very strong and intimidating and
outlining clearly some crazy examples and such strong language that you
are now very scared.
2. You attempt to get an attorney and you
are told you need a massive retainer $$$$$ and the attorney tells you
this won't be an easy case and may go on for years and this retainer
will only last a few weeks.
3. You look for a free attorney and
find out that is easier said then done and they are all lame and don't
return calls and are so bad that you are guaranteed to lose.
4.
During all this time you are broke. Trying to find work and realize that
you will make less then enough to pay rent and actually eat too....
5. They have filed something with the court or they just simply aren't
allowing you to see them and you have no recourse so while this is going
on you do not see your kids or maybe you see them sporadically and you
are starting to freak out.
6. You either hired regular attorney
and are running out of funds and desperate and it's dragging on and
retainer is almost gone you have no more funds for next payment and
there is no end in sight or you hired free attorney and see they suck
and kids are slipping away... time is passing....
7. Your ex (with
financial help from anyone who decides to help save the kids neshamas)
nasty attorneys are firing scary bomb letters to the court and you and
you feel doomed.
8. IN MIDDLE OF ALL THIS... you get a call from a "kind" rabbi who wishes to HELP--
THIS IS THE KICKER.
He offers to make court go away... and will try really hard to help you
and "convince" your ex to agree via Bais Din and he (this Rabbi) has a
heart and wants to help from the bottom of his "heart" now he
says... look you aren't as frum as you were and your house may have a TV,
etc. so I propose that you see your kids not on shabbos or yom tov... you understand I will have to really work on your ex to him/her to
agree to you seeing the children at all and get this concession and I
will do it bec[ause] I really "care" about you and want you and the kids to be
close.
Now in the process, you no longer will have to pay attorneys and we will agree to this in the beis din...he says.
You are broke--
Want to see your kids desperately
You can't continue paying attorneys that can guarantee nothing
So you agree
It is binding... in court of law.
Now since you have to work you get a few hours at night on a weekday
And Sunday... to see your kids. This is better then nothing and you
aren't guaranteed this good deal with your attorneys that you can't pay
for anyways... so you agree.
Soon they say your house is not suitable kosher, TV blah blah so no visitation in the house...
You can take them anywhere else
Pizza shop
Zoo
Etc. Kosher places... No movies of course.
Then Sunday hours become less and less
9-5 becomes 10-4 and then 11-3 and then 12-2
After a while...
They have bombarded the kids against you.
Alienated them
Brainwashed them
The kids are sullen
The kids won't talk much
The kids don't show affection anymore
Midweek visits are gone bec[ause] they say there is too much homework and
kids are tired after long day at yeshiva... so you only see them Sunday.
More time goes by... older kids act angry and nasty and start refusing
to come... You may be relieved because they are acting so hurtful
towards you anyways and it is so painful....
You can't force them anyway.
The nice rabbi says "oy we can't force him, what can I do?" He does nothing of course--this is all part of the plan.
The younger ones get older and do the same in short order....
Meanwhile you went through hell thinking up fun activities and cried a
million tears and buying gifts they show no appreciation for.... No phone
calls are returned by kids....
This is the recipe.
Thank you for sharing this vital information. Any solutions for the spouse ?
ReplyDeleteSadly, I have no solutions other than to spread information, share each other's stories, and start working together to change the systems that allow such terrible injustices to take place.
DeleteOMG! You just wrote my story. Except I never turned nonreligious. Despite the accusations that I was taking my children to missionaries and all the other bullying, particularly at the hands of the Belzer chassidim, I wasn't going to let nonreligious men parading around in religious garb affect my relationship with G-d. Yes, I left Boro Park since my name had been destroyed. Either people who did not know me, believed the lies that I was a nutjob who could not handle kids and needed to be committed, or they knew the truth and just looked at me as a real pity case. I was advised by insiders it was best to move on, in order to rebuild my life. Fast forward twenty years and I run into the Belzer Rebetzen and she starts to mussar me for not being religious. I stop her cold and ask her -- Excuse me? And of course any of my friends who I told this to were astounded. And of course noone would believe beforehand that this is what they really say about me... surely it must be my imagination. How could anyone think I am not shomer shabbos when I have been as genuine and authentic and a role model to many... But does any of it even matter at this point -- when I have no connection to my children and a sullied name in the orthodox community. And then these idiots ask me, "why didn't you remarry? Didnt you ever want to remarry?" But I am religious and I believe in G-d, not their self-made rebbes they turn into G-ds. Don't think for one moment that I had any compassion when I saw the high holy Rabanit of Belz cringing with back-pain spasms... when her day of reckoning comes, don't expect me to have a heart and offer forgiveness. For I know "The wheels of justice turn slowly, but grind exceedingly fine." Just be moral, and honest in your interactions, and deal honestly in business, and you will find satisfaction and G-d's blessings in living a just life.
ReplyDeleteStay strong.
DeleteThis is abso-fuckinglutely terrible... Where are you from?
ReplyDeleteYep. Happened to me. I wasn't irreligious, merely had irreligious ideas in my head, such as thinking to get a driver's license, attending Touro College, etc.
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Horrible. Are you male or female?
ReplyDelete