Deception on All Fronts

Deception. Never a good thing.*

When orthodox Jews leave orthodoxy, it is said that they've gone "off the derech," which is basically "off the path" of what is usually orthodox Judaism. As part of an ever-growing network of off the derech Jews (which I'll now refer to as OTD,) I've noticed that there really isn't just one path that people are leaving. There are people leaving who were once baalei teshuvah (returnees to Judaism) leaving, as well as those leaving who had long family histories of Jews practicing in the orthodox tradition. They come from all walks of orthodox life, from the very religious to the more modern. In looking at the communities that these Jews have left, I've found a surprising similarity in how leaving is perceived. Communities all over the orthodox spectrum (and not all communities, but a large number, based on informal conversations with Jews of varying religious backgrounds,) cite a few reasons why religious Jews go OTD. Many in the orthodox community will point to the person being unstable, possible child abuse, the lure of the secular world--including drugs and sex, the desire to rebel, mental illness (because, hey, you must be mentally ill if you don't want to be within the religious community,) and probably a few others that I'm neglecting. Religious leaders will swear that technology is the cause of the problem. In reality, the reasons given by the formerly frum (formerly religious) range from intellectual disagreement with orthdoxy, Judaism, and a lack of proof of the existence of God, to the feeling that their own education and creative pursuits were being stifled. Many just didn't fit into the ready-made mold to which their communities assumed that they'd conform. Just as everyone is not meant to be a nuclear physicist, not everyone is meant to be an orthodox Jew.
     On the other side of this can be found the parents and families of those who are either secular or are members of the more liberal Jewish denominations (such as Conservative, Reform, Reconstructionist, etc.) As a parent (and as someone who has parents,) I think that probably most of these parents want to support their children's decisions, whether they are choosing a major in college, finding a suitable career path, or even pursuing their own spiritual journey. However, what happens when parents find that their college-age child has gotten so involved with a Jewish group on campus that he or she has begun to distance him/herself from the family that has always been supportive?
Let's toss in a few facts:

1. Orthodox observance requires strict adherence to certain set rules.
2. Many on/off-campus Jewish groups are funded by and/or affiliated with ultra-orthodox factions.
3. While strict observance isn't pushed upon initial contact with students, those who seem interested are pushed into other programs in which ultra-orthodox thought and practice are taught. These programs may be offered by the "campus rabbi" and his staff or they may be programs run by the larger organization with which his group is affiliated. They may be innocently billed as a fun-filled spring break in Florida or Israel or New York with touring and learning about Jewish culture/heritage. These trips may seem cheaper because organizations may offer subsidies for interested students.

     By the time parents realize that the kid they sent away to school in September is slowly being indoctrinated into an orthodox lifestyle, it's often already too late. The kid they thought was "just learning Hebrew" with the self-appointed "campus rabbi" is now refusing to come home for a weekend because he/she is spending every Shabbat with either the rabbi and his family or with religious families he/she is set up with. The kid they expected to come back for Passover seders now feels that he/she really should go to an orthodox family for the holiday to further his/her religious learning. There is often a degree of guilt felt by students in this situation--they feel obligated to the rabbi and his family (or organization) for meals, classes, etc., and when they are offered an opportunity to have holiday meals/observance organized, they feel like they can't say no. It's easier to brush off their parents with excuses than it is to brush off the rabbi and his organization, because by now, the group is a large part of the student's campus life.
     In the beginning of this post, I mentioned why some orthodox communities think that orthodox Jews leave the fold, in addition to actual reasons why many choose to leave (often with great personal ramifications.) What I've found is that when non-orthodox parents realize that their kids have been scooped up and alienated from them by ultra-orthodox organizations, similar excuses are made by the orthodox community as to why this has happened: the baal teshuvah (newly religious person, who I will now refer to as BT) came from an abusive family; the BT comes from an unstable family environment; the family lacks morality and/or Jewish education. Not only are non-orthodox Jews unaware of the deceptive nature (and often, existence) of kiruv/outreach, but many of those within orthodox communities are also often lacking an understanding of the deceptive nature of ultra-orthodox kiruv. The more I read about this and the more personal stories I hear, the more it seems that many college-age BTs and those in their 20s, seem not to have made a conscious decision to become ultra orthodox, but rather, through a series of well-orchestrated moves by kiruv/outreach professionals, have found themselves in high-pressure situations in which guilt, seclusion, and separation are used in order to enforce conformity to a culture that may not necessarily have been their choice.

 *image from http://lumen.nd.edu/2005_07/images/self_deception_lumen.gif

Outreach: Tearing Apart Families on Both Sides of the Holy Spectrum

from http://www.imamother.com/forum/viewtopic.php?t=36648&highlight=kiruv

I know that there are many people who aren't thrilled that I'm publicly writing against orthodox outreach. Dishonest attempts to cause non-orthodox Jews to leave their current lifestyles and become orthodox are, at best, disrespectful to those Jews and their families. At worst, kiruv can cause irreparable damage to families for years at a time, sometimes for life. Good friends of mine have told me horror stories of their own children getting caught up in irresponsible Jewish outreach and breaking all ties with their families, believing that this new lifestyle requires that they isolate themselves within the orthodox community. While not all outreach professionals outrightly encourage young people to break familial ties, they all promote a lifestyle which, through its stringences alone, subtly pushes people to alienate, or become alienated from, their families. People who are new to religious observance may feel pressured to do everything perfectly and may not have the ability to balance their secular upbringing and family with their new religious lifestyle. In an effort to please their rabbis, mentors, and God, many inadvertently push their secular friends and family away.
     That brings me to the image that I've included with this post. (Click on image to enlarge or read the original post here .) I took this from Imamother, an online forum for married orthodox Jewish women, from a thread entitled "Who Here is Shrewd and Creative? Need to Arrange Kiruv." (Don't even get me started on the use of the word shrewd.) This particular thread is about a woman who wants to be mekarev (bring closer to God in an effort to become more religiously observant) a young woman and is looking for ways to introduce her to someone who might inspire her to become orthodox. (I'm only commenting on the post in the image, but feel free to read the original post. Just to make this easier, everything in blue was stated by "Mummiedearest" in response to the block in white, which is another commenter quoting and responding to a different set of text posted by Mummiedearest. In the quoted material, I included the definitions of Hebrew terminology in parentheses following the italicized word.) Although this conversation is from 2007, I think a lot of what Mummiedearest states is still relevant.
     Mummiedearest, an orthodox woman, states:

I think we have to realize that we are not superior to non-religious Jews.... Why is it that so many baalei teshuva (newly religious Jews) have a hard time fitting in to frum (religious) communities? I get it, let's be mekarev them and once they're frum enough and don't need kiruv, we can shun them with a clear conscience. Kiruv is NOT a project, hobby, or career. Kiruv should be done out of ahavas yisroel (love for fellow Jews), not because of a superiority complex.1

She seems to be appalled by people with little or no experience turning non-religious Jews into their pet projects and by those involved in outreach thinking they're better than everyone else. Even though she doesn't think that all outreach is bad, the fact that she recognizes some of it as problematic is good. It gives me hope that maybe more orthodox people will realize that not every non-orthodox Jew is fair game in what often seems to be a recruitment hunt.
     The following quote is my favorite. While Mummiedearest and I would probably have some key differences in our feelings about God, she makes a great point regarding those who ended up religious despite that never being their intention:

I know people who were pushed to become frum, became frum, married, had kids, and finally said enough. They weren't ready, felt pressured, and eventually left their families to fend for themselves. We have to think of people as people, not chessed (kindness) projects, not "nebuchs,"(poor, unfortunate people,)  not "badly in need of kiruv." Yes, a person's soul wants the closeness to G-d. Absolutely. But the person has to recognize it.2

 While I would disagree on "what a person's soul wants," I have to hand it to Mummiedearest. She's right on point when she states that "the person has to recognize it." A major problem I have with Jewish outreach is that kiruv agents assume that everyone, whether they realize it or not, yearns to be religious. But Mummiedearest, an orthodox woman--notice how I keep stressing her background, feels that the person him/herself needs to recognize this need within him/herself. She doesn't think outreach should be done deceptively and even mentions later on that a person will ask questions if interested and will find her own mentor if she desires one. Mummiedearest seems to see the big picture, the reality of what happens to people who are pushed into religious observance and realize later on that they are totally miserable in this lifestyle. What kiruv professionals often don't realize is that experiences like these tend to turn people off to all Judaism, not only orthodox Judaism. 


1. "Mummiedearest, member since July 24, 2007, New York qtd. in "Who Here is Shrewd and Creative? Need to Arrange Kiruv" on December 27, 2007. Original thread posted by Anonymous on December 26, 2007. http://www.imamother.com/forum/viewtopic.php?t=36648&highlight=kiruv accessed 2/23/2013 at 3:28pm.
2. ibid. 

Birthright Israel: Focus on Mayanot

     Chances are that if you're a Jewish college student, or if you're the parent of a Jewish college student, or even if you've been a college student yourself in the past thirteen years, you've heard of Taglit Birthright, a program run by a not-for-profit organization that sponsors free ten-day trips to Israel for the post-high school (18-26 years old) set. Read more at their official site or on wikipedia. Under the Birthright umbrella, students have the opportunity to choose the trip of their choice, each run by different trip providers. This is where it gets tricky. There are about fifteen trip providers, ranging from orthodox to non-denominational. Birthright offers some tips on how to choose your trip provider, however, despite the denominations listed near the trip description, it's still easy to get them confused. Here's why: the trips listed as orthodox in denomination don't appear to be geared towards orthodox college students. They welcome all types of Jews and from what I understand, the programs are generally well-run, informative, and a lot of fun. There may be subtle differences in each orthodox group's particular ideology (some trips are run by Chabad, others by OU, others by Ezra, etc.) but there seems to be a general understanding that most students going on these trips are probably not orthodox and so the trips are run more liberally than one might expect.  Orthodox trip providers have put a lot of effort into not making their program descriptions appear to be orthodox in any way. However, it is not the initial Birthright trip that poses a potential outreach/kiruv issue, but the follow-up after the trip and possible pressure to attend yeshiva programs affiliated with the group's particular brand of orthodoxy that could be problematic. Understanding that this post could be endless, let's focus on one program for now. I've chosen to focus on Mayanot because it is the first orthodox organization listed on Birthright's list.1

     Mayanot, the Birthright program run by Chabad, mentions partying, learning about contemporary issues, exciting tourist attractions, partying, the political, cultural, and "spiritual" dimensions of Israel, and of course, the word that excites even the tamest of college students, partying. And have I mentioned partying? The description is very careful to only mention the word "orthodox" under the heading "affiliation," and states further down that "Mayanot draws inspiration from Chabad spirituality." Nowhere on this site does it say that the Mayanot is actually an outreach/kiruv yeshiva, but if you do a little independent research, you'll find that Mayanot is actually a baal teshuva yeshiva, designed to help Jews become orthodox. Mayanot is run by Chabad and while their Birthright trip isn't making people orthodox, the trip does serve as another feeder for their yeshiva and study programs. This is the link to the Wikipedia site, but you can find this information on their site as well. In the blurb about the sponsoring organization, Mayanot Institute of Jewish Studies, (not quite a name that someone would associate with an orthodox yeshiva,) words such as "academic," "intellectual," and "textual study,"are used--words that sound more like they were taken from a college course catalog than anything linked to an ultra-orthodox yeshiva. This is not to say that any participants on the Birthright trip are ever forced to become religious, however, be aware that ideas on religious issues may be from a Chabad perspective even if it's more like Chabad-lite, (what I'll call outreach that is specifically meant to get non-orthodox Jews interested,) and students may be urged to extend their stay in Israel for an additional three weeks to study on their Post-Birthright Study Program.

     The Mayanot Post-Birthright Study Program draws students in with the excitement of being away from home for a longer period, but also with the insanely cheap price. "Taglit-Birthright Israel participants can apply for a scholarship to join this program for only $99! This includes tuition, room and board for 3 full weeks (normal tuition for this program is $799)" their website screams. (They also offer longer and shorter programs.) Having traveled extensively while in college and on a tight budget, I can tell you that this would have drawn me in. Three additional weeks, all-inclusive? Sounds like a good deal! One of the ways they get to students to commit to the post-trip study program is by presenting potential participants with a sense of urgency, mentioning on their website that  "although applications for this scholarship will be available on your Taglit-Birthright Israel trip in Israel, due to the popularity of the program only those applications that are received in advance of your trip may be guaranteed a spot." How many young travelers, excited and possibly apprehensive about traveling alone in Israel, are thinking "well, I should definitely do this! What's a few hours of study a day when I can still travel and hang out?" But before you sign up for this or any program, stop and ask the trip providers for details.
     Here are a few questions you should ask if you're wondering if the Post-Birthright trip deal is too good to be true. The Mayanot trip may seem like a party and you may have an awesome time. But you should ask these things before you sign up for additional weeks through their yeshiva:   

1. If I do the post-Birthright study program (which is not co-ed,) how long will I be expected to be in the classroom, studying? Will I have free time? Request a typical daily schedule, preferably in writing, with the times outlined so you can understand how your day will look.
2. Will I be expected to adhere to orthodox religious practice even if I don't want to? 
3.  If I decide the program is not for me, am I free to leave? 
4.  What are my financial obligations if I decide to leave the program?
5. Why am I being offered what has been billed as a $799 program for only $99? What are this group's ulterior motives?  

When asked about his experiences with the Mayanot Birthright trip, former participant Eli stated:

They made in obvious attempt to convince us to stay longer by repeating how easy it was to extend your flight. They also brought us to the Mayanot yeshiva before Shabbos where we had to sit through a parsha (Torah portion of the week) class. Most of the participants were secular and were only concerned with going out and partying. Mayanot encouraged that as well, even putting it on the itinerary as a frabrengen (joyous, usually Hasidic, gathering.)

There was an emphasis on Kabalah (Jewish mysticism) and we spent a bit too much time in Tzfat (famous for Jewish mysticism and Kabalah.) We had to hear a Kabalist artist who was a baal teshuvah (returnee to orthodox Judaism) speak about what inspired him and almost everyone felt they had to buy something from him.
Shabbos wasn't as strict as an NCSY2 Shabbaton, but we weren't allowed to swim or leave the hotel (there was actually a warning if one left the hotel they would be sent home immediately and have to pay their return flight.) I guess they were concerned for safety to an extent, but when it wasn't Shabbos they let us roam all around Jerusalem and Tel Aviv at night, so it didn't really make sense to me.
While I definitely felt a presence of kiruv, I noticed more of an effort to convince people to make aliyah (move to Israel.)

As for the Mayanot Birthright trip, be aware that you may be approached to extend your trip to attend Mayanot's yeshiva programs. There are other trip extensions that are not centered on religion. Or students can do what a lot of us did, and just bring a backpack and sleeping bag, and find a youth hostel near places of personal interest. No matter which provider you choose, be sure to research the trip providers and any information the website may contain about post-trip programs.
 


1. Other posts will discuss other Birthright options listed on their site as "orthodox."
2. NCSY is an orthodox youth group sponsored by the OU (the Orthodox Union) who also do outreach/kiruv work.

The following articles might be of interest to readers interested in Birthright

Birthright's Israel: The Political Bias of the Jewish Community's Favorite Program by Nathan Ehrlich. November 28, 2011

Largest Outreach Effort for Alums of Birthright Raises Concerns by Gal Beckerman. August 26, 2009

Birthright Alumni Center Tied to Haredi Outreach Group, by Gal Beckerman. September 2, 2009

Jewish Outreach on Campus: The Approach

This is the first of several posts that will address kiruv/outreach on college campuses.

Setting: A typical American College Campus, present day.

It’s the beginning of the fall semester. Rosh Hashanah and Yom Kippur fall out in the middle of September this year, and most Jewish students won’t be able to leave school to celebrate with family due to time constraints and distance. Accompanied by a few student helpers, on-campus Jewish outreach professionals, who have a chartered club on campus and a building that is used to host students for holiday and Shabbat meals, classes, religious services, and socializing, are outside, sizing up the students on the quad and approaching those look like they might be Jewish.

Rabbi L: Would you like a pamphlet on Rosh Hashanah?

Random Student: Huh? Oh, sorry. I’m not Jewish.

Rabbi L: No problem. Have a great day!

Random Student: Likewise.

Rabbi L: [approaches a small group of students.] Would any of you like a holiday booklet about Rosh Hashanah?

Lisa: Oh, hey. Um. [looks at friends.]

Jayden: Rosh Hashana. That’s, like, next week. 

Rabbi L: Tuesday night. We’ve got services and meals.

Sarah: My folks would probably want me to go to services. Are they orthodox?

Rabbi L: We welcome all Jews. 

Sarah: I’m Reform.

Rabbi L: Are your parents Jewish? 

Sarah: [proudly] Yes. And my grandparents. And their grandparents. But they weren’t religious. 

Rabbi L: You don’t have to be religious to be a Jew. [he smiles]

Sarah: Okay. Well, I can read Hebrew.

Lisa: Oh my God. I’m not good at Hebrew. At all. I don’t remember anything from my Bat Mitzvah.

Rabbi L: We’ve got English translations. And I’ll be there, explaining things as we go. And we’ll be having traditional holiday meals. My wife’s a fantastic cook.

Lisa: I love to cook! 

Rabbi L: Really? What do you like to cook?

Lisa: Everything. Except ramen. I can make chicken soup. Pizza. And I bake cookies.

Rabbi L: That sounds wonderful. If you’re free on Friday afternoon, you should stop by the Center. A group of kids usually show up to help cook for our Friday night Shabbos Extravaganza. Here. [he pulls out a printed calendar of events] This is a list of events for the next few months. 

Jayden: Cookies? Lisa, will you marry me?

Sarah: She can’t. Now that I know about the cookies, she’s marrying me.

Rabbi L: Let me sign you guys up for email reminders about our events and weekly happenings. And you really should come for Friday night. There’s nothing like a home-cooked meal when you’re far from home.

Jayden: I’m so there. With my two dates, of course.

[After signing up for emails and putting Rabbi L’s brochures into their bags, the three friends say goodbye, promising to bring their friends. This has been successful for Rabbi L, who now has three students who will hopefully show up on Friday and then the following week for Rosh Hashanah. He writes a few notes in his own notebook—their names, brief descriptions to remember them by, and a few words to recall the conversation. Lisa: likes to cook, had a Bat Mitzvah, might be interested in Hebrew refresher course. Sarah: likes cookies, proud, Reform, both parents are Jewish, slightly negative about Orthodoxy. Jayden: popular with women, seems open to anything with food. Happy to have met three new students, Rabbi L continues his work.]

What just happened?

          Rabbi L did the work he loves. When confronted with Sarah’s question as to whether the synagogue services would be orthodox, sensing that she or maybe her parents (who would love her to go to services for the holidays) might not be 100% comfortable knowing that worship would be done according to orthodox standards, with men’s and women’s seating separated by a mechitza (a divider or partition) between the genders, opted to explain that services are open to all Jews. Rabbi L was taught to deflect that question, understanding that non-orthodox Jews are often put off by orthodoxy. Instead of giving a straight answer, which would have been “yes,” he answered by reverting to the philosophy of inclusiveness and pluralism. This puts people’s anxiety at ease, making them more likely to show up to events that they wouldn’t show up to if labeled as orthodox. Rabbi L was also instructed in the importance of a low-key approach. Not every Jewish student is going to be open to orthodox Judaism. By not coming on too strong and by deflecting questions with prepared answers that address those wary of religious Jews, he can still convince them to attend, while making them comfortable with their choice. Rabbi L, knowing that according to orthodox standards, anyone not born to a Jewish mother is technically not Jewish, managed to find out if Sarah was Jewish without giving her a lecture or turning her off to possibly attending a program.

          While Rabbi L may not personally agree with the type of flirting and banter between the young people, he chooses to not respond, instead, focusing on the students in order to find things to remember about them. He listens carefully to the conversation, responding to what the students say. When Lisa mentions cooking, he recognizes this as a way to reach her. Using this, he is able to tell her about other programming available, even offering a chance to take part in some cooking. Bringing students into the kitchen is a fun way for them to learn about keeping kosher, while growing the relationship between the outreach professionals and the students. While it is understood that not every student will decide to keep kosher or become orthodox, every student who has a good experience will bring others. Not only are these students potential candidates for orthodoxy and growing observance, but they and their parents are also potential donors who will help to fund further Jewish programming on campus. 

          So far, campus kiruv seems pretty innocuous. But outreach professionals are taught to take it slowly. They have four years to get each Jewish student involved on some level, and they know that not everyone who attends a program is going to become orthodox. Their first goal is to get students into their building (if they have one) so they can provide a positive Jewish experience and start developing a relationship. This will be discussed further in subsequent postings.