Orthodox Kiruv, Rape Culture, and an Unrelated Interview with the Blogger

     I'd like to extend a warm thank you to all of the readers who have messaged me with their stories, their questions, and their comments about this blog. Over the past months, I've been ridiculously busy with many other projects. I was also touched to receive a request for an interview for the OTD Stories project, started by a good friend of mine. In this interview, I discuss my journeys both on and off the derech (path of orthodox Judaism,) as well as a bit about my current projects. I figured I'd share that here, in case you're interested. While you're there, take a look around. It's a really great site, and totally worth your time.

     I'd also like you point you over to this article, The Grey Area of Rape Culture in the Black and White World of Jewish Orthodoxy by Esther Tova Stanley, in which Ms. Stanley discusses how young women targeted by kiruv professionals are often put in very compromising positions in a relationship with rabbis who are seen as trusted authority figures. She states:

You see, there’s an odd relationship between male authority figures (“Rabbis”) and female students that is considered “normal” within the post high-school year abroad programs. It not only accepts, but actively encourages a relationship in which an adult male takes young female students under his wing in the name of “kiruv” (loosely translated to bringing someone closer to G-d.) [sic]

The Rabbis do this by cultivating a false sense of trust, telling the young students that they see something special in them, encouraging them to share details of their personal lives and sometimes offering (inappropriate) personal details of their own. As my seminary Rabbi once said to me in reference to “his girls” and his method of kiruv, “I like to break them and then make them.”  This creepy comment was followed by an even creepier wink. (Lucky for me, I left that school almost as fast as I got there.)

The idea is for this relationship to inspire the student, spiritually.  To see that living an ultra-orthodox life is the only REAL way to truly LIVE. Those Rabbis who engage in it are seen as possessing a gift, are considered selfless for giving up so much of their time to educate and uplift young, easily influenced souls and bring them onto the path of observance. It’s considered a mitzvah (a good deed.)1

     Most campus kiruv organizations push students to go on extended trips to Israel, many of which include time spent learning in yeshivas or seminaries, depending on one's gender. In addition to being away from home and healthy doses of skepticism, students are encouraged to spend time with rabbis, who often take on the role of spiritual advisers. This puts students in a position of heightened vulnerability, a position they may not even realize they're in at the time.
     I strongly suggest reading the article in full for a good understanding of how there really can be a grey area between trusted rabbi and sexual predator, and how the boundaries of appropriateness can easily be both obscured and crossed in the male-rabbi female-student relationship.


1. Stanley, Esther Tova. The Grey Area of Rape Culture in the Black and White World of Jewish Orthodoxy. qtd. on Not for Ourselves Alone: Gender Politics and Parenting in the 21st Century blog by Juliet C. Bond. April 20, 2015. 6:58am.

Kollel Wives and Kiruv'd College Kids

     I recently read a post on one of many forums for orthodox women that addressed a woman's concern that her post-high school stint at seminary (most likely in Israel) served to mislead her about the type of life she'd ultimately be living. She asked the group if seminary brainwashing jeopardized their marriage, and the discussion grew to about 14 pages by the time I'd finished reading. Many of the issues raised in this thread by this very insightful group of women, who range from Modern Orthodox to Hasidic with various levels of education and who live all over the world, are issues that I've often raised on this blog.
     Those who felt that they'd been "brainwashed" in seminary, talked about how they were only seventeen and eighteen years old (college-age) and just out of high school with no real world experience. They were convinced by educators whom they'd trusted that they should marry a guy in kollel (who learns Torah full-time, or for the first five years of their marriage,) and weren't taught to plan for the future. They discussed how men, upon leaving the kollel yeshiva, weren't prepared to make a living, and this burden often fell on the shoulders of the wives, who had to work to support a growing family as well as a husband who studied all day. Several mentioned that financial responsibility for the couple and their children was shared by their own parents or in-laws. The women questioned why the yeshivas were encouraging financial dependency, and criticized the fact that they were taught to look derisively upon those studying in college for a career. They pointed out that men who learned well into their thirties and beyond, were then too old to start a career at the bottom--by then they had large families to support. Some women felt that their educators had overstepped their bounds and had given advice that was detrimental to the lives of the very impressionable college-age seminary students they were encouraging.
     I know that many of the women on this particular forum do not agree with my stance on what I tend to call "deceptive kiruv," mostly because many believe that kiruv is a meritorious pursuit. But if we divorce the main issues--kiruv and kollel wives--we have several overlapping factors: young, impressionable high school graduates; young people away from home and away from daily interactions with family to whom they can relay anything they may find questionable; skilled educators pushing a certain agenda and undermining parents; lack of experience in the wider world; youthful idealism without the wisdom to be more skeptical about what it is they're learning.
     An argument that I've often heard to counter my issues with kiruv on the college level is that if kids are over 18, or old enough to fend for themselves, then they're fair game for kiruv workers, and they should be able to recognize such "brainwashing" for what it is. I don't agree with this argument at all. But now, married orthodox women are bringing up the very same issues regarding people of the same age group. Deceptive kiruv is not isolated from the rest of the orthodox world. It is an issue that must be addressed on many different levels because it affects many different people, often for life.

Auschwitz Kollel and Kiruv Center? Oh My.

    On January 28, 2014, Failed Messiah reported about the new Auschwitz Jewish Memorial's Kollel and Kiruv Center on site at Auschwitz, set to be launched in April of 2014. This is a sticky issue. Here are my questions:

1. Why are other non-orthodox groups not stepping up to join forces here and offer either a non-denominational Jewish center or an all-encompassing Jewish center? I understand why people feel the need to have a spiritual place, after all, many Jewish (and non-Jewish) groups visit Auschwitz throughout the year. 
2.  A kollel is a full-time yeshiva for married adult men. I can understand the desire for a community center for visitors, but why a kollel? And why at this location? Is it because the words "Auschwitz" and "Holocaust" inspire a certain emotional reaction that make it easier to raise funds to support an institution that if placed randomly in, let's say, Queens, New York, might not raise as much money? Isn't that taking advantage of the victims of the Holocaust for financial gain? 
3.  Having visited Auschwitz while backpacking through Eastern Europe with a friend back in the 1990s, I can promise that it's a pretty sobering experience that can often leave people in an emotionally vulnerable state. My concern is that this kiruv center would serve to take advantage of people in this state, and push an ultra-orthodox agenda to those searching for meaning in the ruins of a place where their brethren were slaughtered. What gives the Auschwitz Jewish Memorial's Kollel and Kiruv Center the right to exploit people's very real emotional vulnerability in order to push their personal agenda?

     These are just a few of the thoughts that I had upon learning of this. Again, I understand why some may feel the need for a Jewish community center of some sort--it could be helpful for those who may want to regain their emotional balance upon entering or leaving the site of the camp. However, to put up a kollel and kiruv center at Auschwitz just seems like an underhanded way to push an agenda that is not representative of many of those who perished there, nor is it representative of many of those who visit.

Defaming Modernity in Chaya Lester's "Urban Turban"

Guest Post by Kelly Smith Milotay
    Yesterday my Facebook feed was full of people posting about this video made by Chaya Lester, a self-described Kabbalistic Feminist.

     Ms. Lester looks like every speaker you ever want to hear. Her beautiful smile is engaging and she has the gift of making you think she's talking directly to you. Her headwrap is stylish and adds to her exoticism. You get the impression that her energy is magnetic and that you would want her as your best friend if you met her in person. I'm sure she's as charming in person as she is on video. 

     The content of her video was somewhat less charming. Clearly aimed at an audience of potential baalei teshuva (BTs) - those who become Orthodox after having been brought up secular or in a different strand of Judaism -  as she states in her intro "We host Birthright students by the dozen!,"
she seems to hope to change the minds of her viewers with her spoken word poetry about her "Urban Turban."

You can listen to her performance on the video and read more about it on The Times of Israel's site.

Here is the text of the poem:

Urban Turban

I cover my head in protest
to Miley Cyrus
and a culture that
blinds us
to the true beauty of
a woman’s sense of dignity.

Where decades of hard-won progress
is undone by a single
twerk
- a fatal twist
in what it truly means to be a feminist.

These are the many strands
of my stand against
a society possessed by a quest
for ‘sexiness’.

Where 12-year-old girls
try to fill the holes
in their souls
with high heels, halter-tops
& rhinestone-studded hose.

I throw my hat
into the ring
to state the obvious
fact
that female empowerment
is found within.

Judge me not by the color of my skin
and how much of it
I uncover
to win
your attention.

Judge me rather by the content of my character
- not the contours
of my figure.

*
For on this cotton
is written
a Manifesto of a Kabbalistic-feminist.

I enfold the mystic
into this fabric’s every twist.

This covering
comes to express the sacred covenant
of marriage.

While all the while
marriage in the modern world
is but a crumbling institution
a house without beams
where our children suffer
for our indiscretions
divorces & indecencies.

Please, don’t get me wrong
I am not a prude
not a preacher
not a governess
but a mother
and a lover
who takes her sexuality seriously
- mystically -
for I have tasted ultimate Oneness
through the two-ness
known as marriage…

And like a treasured swaddled infant
this two-ness thrives best in containment
covering, commitment.

So, yes, please, let’s talk about femininity
about what it really means to be a feminist
a woman, a wife,
a mother, a builder
because when it comes to self-expression, my sister,
- I got that one covered. ~Chaya Lester*

Sluttiness of Secular Society?

     Ms. Lester sets up Miley Cyrus as the representative of "a society possessed by a quest for 'sexiness'". Certainly she is correct that much of the Western media is focused on sexuality - sex sells, after all, to people of all races and religions. But does the media's over-emphasis on sex mean that the majority of society is on the same "quest for sexiness"? The answer is 'no'. Most of the women I see in my day-to-day life are not obsessed with sexiness. They merely want to look and feel good in what they wear. Sometimes you see more skin, sometimes you see less. I have yet to run into any of my secular friends (Jewish or not) dressed in pleather shorts, twerking their way down the street, as Ms. Lester seems to think we all do. At a relatively busy mall this evening, every single man, woman, and child I saw was dressed in a completely normal way. No one was trying to attract more attention than usual. It is simply not true that the majority of people in the world are consumed with being sexy all the time while women and men in the Orthodox world shun such displays.

Modern Marriage as Shambles?

     Next she links her "Urban Turban" to the sanctity of her marriage. She implies that her head-covering keeps her marriage sacred and that "marriage in the modern world is but a crumbling institution...where our children suffer for our indiscretions, divorces, and indecencies." Again, this does not at all speak to my experience. Some of my secular friends are married. A few are divorced. I'm fortunate to not know any suffering children. Do people within secular marriages sometimes cheat on each other? Do they sometimes divorce? Sure. Happens in the Orthodox world as well. Over all, Ms. Lester's assertion that secular marriage is a cesspool of lies when compared with her own marriage (sanctified by her head-covering) and marriages within the Orthodox world in general falls flat when we look at real people in the real world. I wonder if Ms. Lester has a subscription to People Magazine. It would help to explain her hyperbolic beliefs about the modern, secular society. 

Strawmen and Deceptive Kiruv

     In her poem, Ms. Lester created two strawmen - secular society as sex-obsessed and the dismal state of modern marriage. Secular society as compromised is a common refrain in the kiruv community. Peddling Orthodoxy is easier on these false terms, especially on university campuses where students are away from home. They do see their peers as somewhat sex-obsessed in certain environments. It's harder for them to accurately make comparisons to the real world that exists away from their campuses. I would argue that American college students aren't quite as sex-obsessed as they are portrayed both in the media and by kiruv professionals. Still, college students are susceptible to the false message that secular society is a den of iniquity. 

     There is beauty in Jewish tradition. It has evolved along diverse pathways as modern Jews have tried to understand how their spiritual ancestors reached out to God in search of meaning. Orthodoxy is not the only authentic way of being a Jew. If someone chooses to remain or become Orthodox, they should do so because it has meaning for them - not because they've been coerced using unethical tactics and outright lies.


*Lester, Chaya. Urban Turban. from "Hair -- Got It Covered." The Times of Israel. January 8, 2014.

Kelly Smith Milotay is a mother, a writer, an educator, and a free-thinker who is interested in sustainability in all facets of life. Despite having four children and several chickens, her house has reached epic proportions of unattainable spotlessness. Coffee helps.

Kiruv's Goal: To Make You Orthodox (Aish's Project Inspire Says So)

     Whenever I've stated that the goal of Jewish outreach/kiruv is to make people orthodox, I'm met with opposition claiming that this isn't true, and that outreach workers just want to teach non-orthodox Jews about their Jewish history, heritage, culture, etc. So imagine my surprise when I happened upon an article on Project Inspire's website written by Rabbi Mattisyahu Salomon, contradicting the claims of many of those in kiruv! Salomon's article, "Broadening the World of Torah,"completely debunks the myth that kiruv professionals have no ulterior motives. In fact, Salomon is quite clear in telling readers that his goal is to make people orthodox. Here is an excerpt from his article from the Project Inspire website. (Project Inspire is a program from Aish HaTorah and Aish International, one of the biggest Jewish outreach organizations in existence.)

From "Broadening the World of Torah."* Click to enlarge.

This particular excerpt makes the point that "there can be no compromise" in observance and in the Torah. Salomon goes on to say that:

At the same time, becoming observant requires drastic changes in a person’s life, and in many if not most cases, it must be accomplished gradually, step by step.*

That sounds reasonable. The fact that Salomon recognizes that becoming orthodox is a drastic change is good. However, he continues on to say the following:

But you must make it clear to the people that halfway measures are not acceptable as a permanent state. They are no more than intermediate stages on the way to full observance. There is no rush, no pressure. They can take their time and progress at their own comfortable pace. But they must recognize that the goal is full and complete observance of the entire Torah.*

Did you find yourself reading that twice? Rabbi Salomon recognizes that becoming orthodox is drastic and "there is no rush, no pressure." Well, that's good. Except that he is also telling readers that while "they can take their time and progress at their own comfortable pace," "they must recognize that the goal is full and complete observance of the entire Torah."*
     Back up a second.
     It sounds like Salomon is saying becoming observant is drastic but do it at your own pace, and oh, we expect you to become orthodox.
     Project Inspire is proudly run by Aish HaTorah, a major outreach/kiruv organization. Their goal is to make you orthodox. When Aish and Project Inspire-affiliated rabbis and rebbetzins are running programs on your college campus or in your neighborhood, and taking you on highly-subsidized trips to Israel and other venues, keep in mind that this is their goal. And supposedly, they should be letting you know this as well. Whether or not they actually tell this to their students is another story.
The question is, do their non-orthodox supporters know that they are supporting Jewish missionary work that is out there specifically to make non-orthodox Jews orthodox? Here is what Steven Spielberg, Shimon Peres, and Benjamin Netanyahu said about Aish HaTorah programs. Based on their statements, it sounds as if they were given a greatly watered-down version of what Aish is about.

Steven Spielberg - "Thank you Aish HaTorah for the good work you do, and the message you put out. I could have used you in my life about 25 years ago."
Shimon Peres, President of Israel - "I want to acknowledge the Jerusalem Fellowships of Aish HaTorah for the outstanding job it does in bringing Jewish youth to Israel to learn about their history and heritage."
Benjamin Netanyahu, Prime Minister of Israel - "Aish HaTorah enables young Jews to visit their heritage, to become immersed in it, to understand the inspiration that drives Jewish History, to become better Jews, prouder Jews and more secure Jews. I congratulate Aish HaTorah for what they're doing where they're doing it and for whom they're doing it."**

If Spielberg, Peres, and Netanyahu read Aish's history on their website, it's understandable how they wouldn't realize the organization's true goals. Aish states that:

Aish is famous for reaching unaffiliated young Jews and awakening them to a profound pride in their heritage.... With most Jewish communities facing dwindling affiliation, Aish's efforts bring thousands of committed Jews back into the communal sphere. By increasing people's affiliation with the Jewish community, and by teaching the importance of tzedakah, Aish is creating a stronger support base for every Jewish cause.**

While Project Inspire is mentioned, Aish HaTorah's history page makes it sound very innocent:

Aish founded Project Inspire, a grassroots movement whose goal is to empower and encourage all Jews to share the beauty and wisdom of Judaism with their fellow Jews. Project inspire provides easy and inspiring ways to reach out as well as the tools and understanding on how to reach out. This branch of Aish has made already made a big impact on mobilizing the frum world.**

But they've left out a very important piece of information. They neglected to tell people that:

[Kiruv professionals] must make it clear to the people that halfway measures are not acceptable as a permanent state....  They must recognize that the goal is full and complete observance of the entire Torah.*

 I agree. People need to recognize that the goal of Project Inspire and Aish HaTorah is to make people orthodox--before they get involved.

Works Cited:
*Salomon, Rabbi Mattisyahu. Broadening The World of Torah. Project Inspire. December 19, 2013.
**History of Aish HaTorah. Aish Gesher. 2013. accessed January 2, 2013.

Call of the Shofar, Brainwashing, and Kiruv

     I just read "Confessions of a Shofar Staffer," written by Chabad member Shmuel Pollen, in which he discusses his experiences at the Call of the Shofar retreat. For those of us who believe that there is such a thing as deceptive kiruv, the similarities in Mr. Pollen's revelations are very similar to those experienced by people who look critically at Jewish outreach. If you were to switch the organizations from Call of the Shofar to any of the Big Kiruv organizations, you'll be able to see how Mr. Pollen may have experienced the very thing that many of us have been decrying for a while now. I am posting excerpts, but feel free to click the link in the first sentence to read the article in its entirety.

It suddenly occurred to me that this organization which seemed benign and elevating, was actually, a threat to our very souls.

How so?

Let me begin with the allegation that people who went to Shofar have been brainwashed. I dismissed this when I heard it. It seemed ridiculous to me. Then I thought to myself: If someone actually is brainwashed, how would he know? Wouldn't the brainwashing itself dictate to your brain that you're in line with reality? Wouldn't it convince you that what you believe now is even more real because you're "enlightened"? And wouldn't it dictate that anyone who says you're brainwashed just "doesn't understand?"

I came to the conclusion after some serious introspection that I actually was brainwashed, assuming the definition of brainwashing is being manipulated to believe something you otherwise would not have. It's possible for someone to brainwash another, while the brainwasher doesn't think that that's what he's doing. He may himself be brainwashed to believe that his work is holy. I believe that to be the case here.

     This is very interesting. Pollen's statement about brainwashing allows for the idea that those who are brainwashing others may be brainwashed himself, and doesn't even realize that is what he is doing. Yet, this is the very thing that kiruv workers scream that they are not doing. So I ask, is it possible that outreach workers do the same thing without even realizing it? If a Chabad member can suggest that Call of the Shofar people are doing it, it becomes impossible to argue that any outreach professional isn't engaging in the same brainwashing.

"That's a monumental change to our entire life's purpose -- in three days, mind you. How could we have given license to a man we know nothing about, to redefine our life's purpose?"

But isn't this what Chabad and other Jewish outreach groups attempt to do when they take students on weekend or week-long "retreats" and/or trips to far-off locales in order to "redefine [their] life's purpose?"

And now let's address the "experience". The great "feeling of closeness to G-d and to each other." This was the one I always continued to believe in. But when I started thinking about this differently, I started to wonder.

What did we actually feel there? Was it holiness? Was it G-d? Was it the soul?

      The above lines are very interesting. I've often wondered about those Israel experiences many of us have had. You know, those run by kiruv organizations that leave us with the same exact feeling of closeness to those around us and to what we are led to believe is "God." But let's face it. These experiences are contrived in order to convince us that we are feeling these things. Our feelings may be real, but are they based on reality? Or are they based on a mind-trip the leader of such an experience is taking us on?

According to the video Captive Minds that Rabbi She Hecht mentioned, it would appear otherwise. The suggestibility tactics used at Shofar are used at all kinds of vicious cults to create a euphoric experience.

Afterwards, the cult leader tells them that what you felt was G-d. That's what you got here: G-d. Only here. People who tell you to leave here? That's Satan trying to keep you from G-d.

    Wait a second. "Suggestibility tactics?" Being told that you are feeling God? The idea that anything holding a person back from observance is a manifestation of "the Satan?" This all sounds vaguely familiar.
     Upon further reading of the article, I saw that the leader of this Shofar program allegedly has Landmark Education credentials. I've known about Landmark for about twenty years, and I've known people who've gone through their programs and have appeared to become very changed after their experiences. I stand by those who deem Landmark a cult. But this post isn't about Landmark. To people involved in Landmark Education, it is not a cult. They may not see that there are cult tactics in use.
     Pollen laments:

That's a monumental change to our entire life's purpose -- in three days, mind you. How could we have given license to a man we know nothing about, to redefine our life's purpose?

And yet, doesn't this same thing happen in kiruv? How is this not the same? Mr. Pollen further states that:

We were sold a mind-game and told it's G-d, and now we believe this workshop is the best way to get close to Him (Sounds a bit like the definition of avoda zara, come to think of it).

     Again, I ask, isn't that what the different kiruv organizations do? They sell unsuspecting young people a bill of goods, in which they convince potential recruits that by doing what the kiruv professional (and his/her organization) says, they will be able to get close to God. What makes this any different from what Mr. Pollen has experienced? But then, Mr. Pollen says this, which convinces me that maybe he really doesn't see the parallels:

Every baal tshuva knows that happiness through freedom from rules leads only to misery. They found more happiness in living a Torah lifestyle made even more meaningful by its rules. 

How could we have allowed someone we barely know to make us forget this fundamental truth of why we're here in this world?Could it be we were in too much a state of suggestibility to notice what was wrong here? Doesn't that sound like brainwashing at a very deep level of your belief system?

     In this case, I think that it's easy to see that Mr. Pollen is upset to see so many of his brethren manipulated, yet, as he stated much earlier on, very often those doing the brainwashing may not realize they are brainwashing others, nor realize that they may be brainwashed themselves. He complains of this "brainwashing at a very deep level of your belief system." Perhaps it's a bit like recruiting non-orthodox students and challenging their beliefs with well-rehearsed arguments meant to awe and convince, and meant to leave them without a proper way to argue back.
     I don't expect that anyone in kiruv or in the orthodox world will agree with these comparisons. But they don't need to agree. But in this case, it sounds like many of us feel the same way: we don't want organizations attempting to use the very same techniques on our children or on us. We want the same respect that Mr. Pollen wants. We don't want to be unknowingly brainwashed by those who may not even know they're doing such things to us. Above all, the same legitimate feelings of having been spiritually violated that Mr. Pollen has experienced, are the same legitimate feelings that many of us who oppose deceptive kiruv have experienced.

Update: This post also appears as a link on The Cult News Network at http://www.cultnews.net/Scroll down to January 1, 2014 "Call of the Shofar, Brainwashing, and Kiruv."


 All quoted material from:
Pollen, Shmuel. Confessions of a 'Shofar' Staffer. ColLive. December 31, 2013.

The Kiruv Debate: A Response to "Haterz Gonna Hate"

     Kiruv professional Rachel Eden recently responded to one of my recent posts, continuing our kiruv debate. You can read her post "Haterz Gonna Hate" on her blog. I must admit that I'm disappointed with her title. I'm a firm believer that disagreeing with a person's point of view doesn't make someone a "hater." It takes courage to disagree respectfully, and even if we don't expect to accept the other's perspective for our own, I think that having a dialogue enables both parties to learn from each other. Labeling a party who disagrees with one's point of view (even though that party has maintained a respectful exchange) as "haterz" is dismissive and unproductive. That said, I'll start by pulling out some of Ms. Eden's responses from her post. Where she states in bold "she asks," Ms. Eden is referring to me. Notice that my full name is not used here. "I answer" refers to Ms. Eden.

She Asks:  I have no problem with people coming to orthodoxy by their own volition. The problem I have is when people are willfully misled by kiruv workers who teach that the all-encompassing cozy blanket is “just Judaism.” It is not “just Judaism.” It is specifically an Ashkenazi brand of orthodox Judaism.”"

I Answer: Rebecca makes an interesting point. The Torah – written and oral law was given thousands of years ago. In the early 19th century, the reform movement was created and as a reaction to that, in around 1850, the conservative movement began. Most non-orthodox practicing Jews are practicing a relatively new form of Judaism that doesn’t match up with the authentic tradition given over in 2448. That original version of Judaism is “just Judaism”. I am absolutely pointing Sephardi Jews towards experts in Sephardi customs and Sephardi groups. I have no intention of dictating customs. There is, however, a basic list of expectations Jews observe and then beyond that minimal set of laws- it’s up to the person how they want to practice. I always tell my students to be true to themselves (they should also be true to Judaism). Side-note: “Willfully misled”? Isn’t that an oxymoron?

     First of all, "willfully misled" means "deliberately misled." "Willfully misled" is definitely not an oxymoron.
     Secondly, it seems to me that the only Judaism that's probably mostly unchanged by chumras and reinterpretations, and that may be closest to what used to be practiced  is the Judaism practiced by the Middle Eastern Jews, thus making Aish Judaism not very "traditional." [Updated here to add this: I was reminded by an acquaintance a few moments ago that perhaps the most "traditional" Judaism would be that which was practiced by the Ethiopian Jews.] Would you let your child marry a person who keeps shabbos, taharat hamishpacha (family purity laws,) and kosher? What if they're actually Conservative but keep these things?

She Asks: If Ms. Eden’s children were to decide that they no longer believed that orthodox Judaism was the way to go, and instead, opted to live as Humanist Jews, would Ms. Eden be as accommodating to their needs as she expects non-orthodox parents should be to the needs of their BT children? Let’s assume that her children are simply following their own path in Judaism. Would she “commend [her] own parenting efforts because, after all, [she] taught them the importance of being Jewish which led to this self-discovery?

I Answer: Another nice point, Bec. The above image “Just Be You” is me being facetious. I’m not typically one of those facebook posters who paste a cliche into their status bar. If you are, no judgement- sometimes I even enjoy reading them.

I'm going to interject here. Ms. Eden says that "Just Be You" is facetious? So she doesn't want people to be themselves? I took her at her word and didn't ascribe any sarcasm that phrase, and I didn't assume she was just using that cliche facetiously. That suddenly clarifies a lot. She doesn't want you to "just be you" at all.

 If my children, God forbid, decided to live as “humanist Jews” that wouldn’t be self-expression.

Interjecting again. Note the "God forbid" here in use and the lack of capitalization for the proper noun--it's the name of a specific movement-- "Humanist Jews." Perhaps readers here feel that "God forbid their children should become orthodox." If we said that, we'd be labeled "haterz." Why the double standard?

Let me explain. I believe God created the Torah as a guide to living for all Jews in every generation. Just like when my husband and I married, we created an understood exchange of expectations (ex/ we come home every evening, know for the most part each other’s whereabouts, pool our money together, are faithful to one another, etc). My children also know I have expectations of them (speak respectfully, eat health food usually, clean up after playtime). God created expectations for our benefit – and our benefit alone. Hashem doesn’t need us to do this stuff- this stuff is how we keep spiritually healthy. After we do everything we need to do to keep spiritually healthy, we can start to consider self-discovery, creativity, more spiritual outlets.

The more we dissect this, the less healthy it sounds. You can do what you want, as long as you do what I want first. For someone who loves and welcomes all Jews, this seems very disrespectful to all Jews who are not orthodox. I hope that if Ms. Eden's children ever go off the derech (off the path of orthodox Judaism,) that she doesn't toss them to the curb like yesterday's trash. And I sincerely hope that she will respect their life choices and love them unconditionally.

But there’s a minimum standard as I said before. I’m happy to accommodate my children as long as they’re being healthy. If there are parents who think practicing a Torah-observant life is unhealthy, I’d like to hear why please.

This isn't about a Torah-observant life being healthy or unhealthy. It is about doing deceptive outreach to students under the guise of genuine friendship.
     In short, the answer to my question is no. Ms. Eden believes, as a kiruv professional, that a non-orthodox lifestyle is not a spiritually healthy lifestyle. This explains why, if her children left orthodoxy, their lifestyles would not be acceptable to her. This also justifies her outreach work. Does she tell her students that non-orthodox Judaism is spiritually unhealthy when she sits down with them for coffee for the first (or second, or third, or fifteenth) time? Does she tell this to their parents when they sign checks for donations to her organization? OR are these forms of Judaism only spiritually unhealthy for her own children?

 She Asks: Within the last post, I also posted claims made by another (anonymous) person in kiruv which seem to contradict your claims. ”AM” (“Anonymous Mekarev”) states that:

1. It is the firm position of Halachic Judaism that all Jews have a responsibility to influence others to the realization that there is a creator of the world and that there is a correct code of conduct for human beings in general and Jews (as His reps to the world) in particular.
2. We are to do this by any peaceful means including persuasion because we are held responsible for others’ actions and welfare to the amount that we can influence them for the better. We have a moral obligation to educate people about this code of conduct who – through no fault of their own – do not yet understand what is incumbent upon them being born as Jews.

I Answer: Firstly, I’m one of those annoying people that don’t enjoy reading anonymous posts. I just don’t see why a person gets to state an opinion and not stand behind it proudly. That said, I’ll oblige since Bec and I now go way back.

1. I never considered kiruv a responsibility though maybe that’s bad. I feel really fortunate to have investigated Judaism at a time in my life when I could create a home and family on the basis of my conclusions. I feel fortunate to be born into a religious with a built in infrastructure for how to live life to its fullest and grow every day. I feel so fortunate that it seems wrong not to share what I benefit so much from with others.

2. I don’t agree with Anonymous’ point here at all. “We are to do this by any peaceful means”? “We are held responsible for others’ actions”? No and no. There are boundaries. There are lines. There are no-nos. Anonymous needs to back up what s/he is accusing – a dangerous accusation- with some evidence and there’s not a shred of it. My husband and I would never manipulate anyone or pressure someone to be a frum Jew. Before our desire to educate people about Judaism is our obligation to be upright people. Anonymous sounds like a rabble rouser and I’m suspicious of this person’s credibility.

     Let's take the first sentence. Ms. Eden does not like anonymous posts. Yet she refuses to link to my blog or refer to me by my full name. She will not print my blog's title. She doesn't like anonymity, yet insists on keeping me anonymous. I am not anonymous. In fact, I have my name on my blog (as well as my bio with some of my other writing.) This lack of proper attribution is both hypocritical and academically dishonest.
     To address the issue of anonymous posters on my blog: I have had many people in kiruv contact me personally. Some I've even spoken with on the phone. However, many have expressed a sincere need to maintain anonymity due to their positions within their organizations, and for the privacy that they desire but often lack as public figures, or as people of influence within their respective communities. That said, these are ideas that we're discussing, not people. A valid opinion is a valid opinion. This differs from purposely hiding the identity of someone with whom you disagree because you don't want other people to access information being provided.
     While I'm not sure who the Anonymous Mekarev is, his words sound vaguely like they were influenced by Project Inspire, an Aish HaTorah affiliate. At the same time, they remind me of something I read in Aish HaTorah's "The Eye of A Needle: Aish HaTorah's Kiruv Primer." While AM and I don't see eye to eye on kiruv, he generally makes well-thought out points that seem to be based on familiar and accepted work in the kiruv field.

She Comments: While yes, there are key issues within the blog as a whole, it was my understanding that we were actually discussing specific points we were each making within the body of discussion.

I React: If there are specific points to address, I’m game. However, my guess is there are a couple underlying themes that once we identify we can cut right to the chase. For example, now that I’ve had so many interactions with your readership I now have the hunch that these anti-kiruv people are actually anti-orthodox.

     It's sad to see this in print because I've had this "argument" tossed at me too many times to count and I really thought that Ms. Eden was above this cheap shot. I've even written posts about these words. It seems to me that whenever there is disagreement between Jews, and the non-orthodox Jew has ideas that the other may disagree with, instead of putting up a valid argument, the discussion turns to "well, you must be anti-orthodox/anti-semitic/a self-hating Jew." I've seen this online, I've received private emails about it, I've seen this on online forums, and I've seen it in local politics. It's an interesting way of shutting down and dismissing points that may be valid but the other party would prefer not to address. While I don't personally know all of the people who comment on this blog, I can speak for some who are not anti-orthodox, but anti-deceptive proselytizing. I believe that it is your freedom to practice your religion, but don't push it on me or my children, especially when you're doing it deceptively.

She Comments: I’m also really curious to know about these “outrageous comments and points that are too ridiculous and off-the-wall to address.”

I React: One example is when you paralleled my work in Jewish outreach with rape. For starters.

I actually thought that my example was fabulous. Here it is again for reference.

Regardless of the outcome, the steps themselves are in place to form a relationship that otherwise would not exist. Whether the relationship is good or bad as an end result really isn't the issue at all. Here's an example: A woman is raped. As a result of that rape, she ends up pregnant. For her own personal reasons, she decides not to have an abortion. She decides to keep the baby and the child gives her joy throughout her life. The fact that she loves her child more than anything does not suddenly make rape acceptable. These are two separate issues. Part A--rape is wrong, no matter what the outcome. Part B--the woman has a child whom she loves. In the case of kiruv, Part A is also separated from Part B. The relationship is contrived with a specific goal in mind. If the relationship works out for both parties, that's wonderful, but it doesn't negate Part A.*

     It shouldn't need to be explained here that my point is and remains, that regardless of the outcome, the initial steps taken were wrong. Deception is wrong. But that's coming from me--someone who believes that a person's spirituality (or lack thereof) is personal, and who doesn't believe that orthodoxy (in whatever form) is the only way to express one's Judaism or spirituality, and who doesn't believe that missionary tactics are acceptable. I believe that we all have the right to practice our religion in a way that doesn't harm others. From what I've seen of kiruv, that which is practiced deceptively is both harmful and unethical.

 

All quoted material except that with an asterisk is from:
Eden, Rachel. "Haterz Gonna Hate." This Way To Eden. December 27, 2013.

Material with an asterisk is from:
*Ross, Rebecca M. The Kiruv Debate: A Response to "La Responsa." Jewish Outreach: What Your Rabbi Isn't Telling You. December 22, 2013.

            

Kiruv Professional Writes About Recruiting Jews on Campus

     On the blog "This Way To Eden-Documenting a Search for a Meaningful Life," Rachel Eden, a

 http://www.says-it.com/unclesam/index.php

woman devoted to kiruv (she's worked for Aish, taught Hebrew School, and worked in campus outreach,) writes about "demystifying kiruv."  In her own words, her "article refers to campus outreach as opposed to all other kinds, which by [her] estimation, is distinguished by its accelerated pace since young people tend to be more open to new ideas and [are] transient."
     In her post, she talks about what she and other outreach professionals look for in college students, and then goes on to write about how students are approached. At the end of the article, she makes a huge point about how few students actually end up orthodox, despite the huge amounts of time and money invested in the campus kiruv venture. She says that the ideal is that seven students per year commit to orthodoxy per campus venture, but believes the number to be lower. However, if seven is the number committing at the end of the year, I would want to know how many are sent on to yeshiva or other programs encouraging an orthodox lifestyle? I believe that students who are being groomed for a possible eventual move to orthodoxy may not necessarily commit to changing their lives while on campus, but are encouraged to go onto other organizations that will help them to get to that point.   
I'm pulling a few excerpts from the December 4, 2013 post because I think that they're very eye-opening. Again, remember that this is coming from someone who is a kiruv professional.

There are a few types of students educated outreach professionals tend to seek.... The idea is that if the assimilation rate is skyrocketing at the speed of lightening, who will your time and effort resonate with best?

1. Middos - good character traits. Nice, normal students. Is this person nice, punctual, helpful? These are questions my source tells me are critical to ask before investing serious time.
2. Intelligence. Torah’s philosophy is brilliant and true- and completely adverse to many ideas we have in the Western world. A student is required to question what s/he thought to be true about priorities and ideas. Such a person (obviously) must be a thinker but proceed with caution if the person takes too much pride in his/her intelligence (see #1)  or has an addiction  (not aspiring) to perfect grades.
3. Inner Strength. A student must have the emotional strength and wherewithal to stand up for what is right or walk away depending on the case. Change is very difficult but change in the face of possible peer or parental pressure requires nothing less than complete grit.1

In Ms. Eden's discussion of the three top traits that kiruv workers should look for when recruiting, she specifically looks for people with "inner strength" and brazenly mentions the difficulty in changing one's life in the face of peer or parental pressure. Of course, a potentially successful recruit would have to change one's life to become orthodox. Ms. Eden is also cautious of people who might be "addicted to perfect grades." She doesn't want people who are perfectionists. If I'm reading her correctly, this is because there is a fear that a potential recruit might take too much on too quickly, and this could cause a whole slew of problems for both the outreach worker and the student. The first quality that is considered important is the willingness to question. A person who is unwilling to question won't question their current lifestyle in order to possibly change it for a new and different lifestyle, in this case, orthodox Judaism.
Let's move on to the second part of  Ms. Eden's discussion about outreach:

Part two are the steps someone in outreach should take if they meet someone who fits the criteria and ..well…seems to like the rabbi/rebbetzin. In the scenario that follows, I’m the rabbi/rebbetzin and you’re the student:

Step 1: We meet. We connect. I ask you for another time to meet and connect.
Step 2: We do this consistently, talk about important philosophical ideas that most people don’t slow down long enough to consider, and we share our lives with one another through these conversations.
Step 3: I invite you over for Shabbat. You eat my food. You meet my family. I enjoy your company. We repeat this cycle often. Before or after Step 3, I throw in other invitations to social or educational programs that take place frequently (example: Maimonides)
Step 4: Our relationship is stronger now.  I invite you to a Shabbaton in a Torah-observant community. You have the opportunity to meet different types of religious  personalities and families to give you a more well-rounded perspective on what it means to live an orthodox life.
Step 5: I invite you to learn and tour in Israel on a short (10 day to 2 week) trip that’s an intense whirlwind of inspiration and gives new meaning to Judaism.
Step 6: We plan a longer trip for you to study in Israel and integrate Jewish ideology into your everyday life and future.

A nice tidy package, huh? Obviously this is an over-simplification but meant to be a generalized structure for creating an environment where positive relationships and a Jewish student community can flourish.2

     Ms. Eden gives us a nice step-by-step list of how kiruv works. A relationship is built gradually. Deep conversations are had. Invitations are issued. That part of the "cycle" is repeated "often." Sounds nice, kind of like a friendship. Except that in this scenario, the target person is befriended only because the outreach worker has determined him/her to be a good choice for a potential recruit, based on the first piece of quoted material. The potential recruit isn't being invited to talk about life's meaning over coffee because the kiruv professional wants to be a friend. The kiruv professional is feeling  him/her out, and if he/she is receptive, then the outreach agent will move to the next step. This way, outreach professionals can say "see? We never pressured anyone. They got involved of their own volition!"
     Following the steps outlined by Ms. Eden, we come to Step 3, in which she mentions that she might toss in invitations to join other programs (she mentions Maimonides--a program run by Meor,) in addition to an invitation to Shabbat at her house with her family. With all of these invitations and discussions going on, the kiruv professional has now gotten the potential recruit involved in a program that pushes a one-sided view of Judaism. But if questioned, this is all "just Jewish." Keep in mind that the college student away from home is now thinking of the rabbi and rebbetzin as friends who are looking out for him or her. The student now trusts these people, and believing them to be friends, or at the very least, people who care for him/her,  and is more likely to be convinced to get involved in any extracurricular programs that they run. The problem here is that this relationship is not based on honesty. The student is being honest and may be thrilled to have such deep conversations, but the student is not aware that the reason this relationship exists is for the sake of recruiting this student to orthodoxy.
     Steps 5 and 6 take the student to different venues to study Judaism. Jewish students are told about Birthright and may be encouraged to travel on a Birthright trip sponsored by the campus rabbi's organization. If the student shows an even greater interest, he/she will be further encouraged to attend a yeshiva abroad.
     I stated earlier that Ms. Eden said that maybe they get seven people to commit to orthodoxy a year per campus. (Again, keep in mind that a person may become orthodox at yeshiva in step 6, so he/she isn't necessarily orthodox from the campus rabbi.) That may not sound like a lot. But let's take one hundred campuses with seven recruits per year on average. That's still seven hundred new recruits. That's seven hundred kids who started off as non-orthodox Jews and rejected their upbringing. That's seven hundred families that will have been thrown into disarray, as parents try to figure out how to relate to their children and how to weather the growing pains of the baal teshuvah, who, at times will exhibit self-righteous behavior and disdain for their upbringing. 
     Comments from people on this blog can often be broken into two camps: people defending Jewish outreach and people against Jewish outreach. This is because those who defend kiruv feel that they are doing what their god wants, and people who are opposed find that notion to be ridiculous and offensive (and very similar to what non-Jewish missionaries do.) However, the one thing that the anti-deceptive kiruv camp wants is more transparency in outreach. You want to proselytize? That's great. Tell people from the very beginning why you are on campus. Tell them that you'd love for them to become orthodox and that's your sole purpose for being on campus. Explain to them that you, the outreach worker, are teaching strictly from an orthodox perspective and that you would like the students under your tutelage to ultimately become observant. Let's face it. Shouldn't people who claim to be brethren exercise at least the same respect that Jehovah's Witnesses and Latter Day Saints exercise towards us? At least they tell us who they are and that they're hoping we'll accept Jesus. Why are our own brethren not even giving us the benefit of a straight story and instead, resorting to deception in order to further their own agenda?


1. Eden, Rachel. "Blowing the Head Off of Outreach." This Way To Eden, Documenting a Search for a Meaningful Life. 12/4/2013.
2. ibid.

Recruiting "Friends" Just for You!

     A university student received the following email from a frum (orthodox) student and passed it on to me. (I have removed any identifying information.) Basically, the outreach rabbi on campus is holding a Shabbos event, and wants to get orthodox students and families involved to take these non-orthodox students under their wings for the purpose of outreach. Notice how the student sending the email describes the rabbi as "the kiruv
Rabbi at University of XXX." That is the function of this rabbi and the reason why he is on this campus. As stated within the body of the letter, these kiruv volunteers will "create relationships" from this "amazing kiruv opportunity." And you thought they genuinely wanted to be your friend! The sad truth is that this whole experience is contrived.

Hi everyone,
For those that don't know Rabbi XXX  is the kiruv Rabbi at University of XXX. He is arranging a Shabbaton on XX/XX/2013, for the secular Jewish students that come to his classes. He is having around 25 students come into the  XXXX area for the Shabbos. I am working with him to have the religious students together with any wives/husbands come and join them for the Shabbaton. This is an amazing kiruv opportunity to create relationships with the other students that will hopefully last throughout your time in college and beyond.
We are in the planning stages right now and in order to plan accordingly we need to know who would be able to join us and for which meals. Please email me if you can come for Friday night and Shalosh Seuodos meals if its free, if it costs a nominal fee or if you can only make it for one of the 2 meals. For anyone not in the XXXX area we can try to find hosts for you if needed.
If you notice any frum jews I missed in this email list feel free to forward them this email or to let me know.
Please try to respond asap so we can plan accordingly.

Thank you,
Looking forward to spending a Shabbos together,
XXXX

     This is the other side of the story. Sure, people who get involved as volunteers in kiruv genuinely believe they're doing a good thing and believe that they're influencing their guests in a positive way. But so do cultists, and missionaries, and the salespeople who give out free dinners in order to get you to buy a timeshare in Florida. None of them are making the invitation because they think you'll make a great friend. They simply think you'll make a great recruit.

Pre-Halloween Kiruv Zombie Apocalypse

Don't judge zombies by zombies.

     I can count on many hands the number of people who, at some time or another, in an attempt at kiruv, have said to me "don't judge Judaism by Jews." Usually this response comes in the course of a conversation in which we're discussing why I, after joining the world of orthodoxy, decided to go back to my secular life. There are many, many reasons why I left, but as soon as I mention topics like the lack of acceptance of BTs (baal teshuvas/the newly religious) or the bad behavior that runs rampant in many communities (speaking badly about non-Jews, non-whites, non-orthodox, people in other sects of both orthodox and non-orthodox Judaism, sexual abuse, emotional blackmail, agunot--women whose husbands won't grant them a Jewish divorce, sexism, hypocrisy, etc.,) the line that is delivered, as if on cue, is always "don't judge Judaism by Jews." (Strangely, this statement may be one of the few things that most kiruv professionals have in common.) While I do agree that groups should not be judged by the actions of some of their members, after hearing about so many negative stories, it's understandable (not justifiable) how people might end up doing just that.
     Let's take pop-culture's appropriation of zombies for example. In films, cartoons, comics, and literature, we read about people rising from the dead and often following the direction of a sorcerer or head zombie. They feast usually on the flesh or brains of the unsuspecting. Most would-be victims see a zombie and run, hide, and/or try to protect others from certain death. Now, imagine if there was this one zombie who said to people "hey guys, this is wrong. You can't judge all zombies based on these experiences. Don't judge zombies by zombies." Would people stop running and hiding? Would they suddenly start thinking that the zombies coming towards them are just looking for friendship? It sounds like a ridiculous argument because we accept that zombies don't really exist, but, as with anyone, if we grow accustomed to bad behaviors, we often become conditioned to expect those behaviors. Such conditioning often leads to distrust and fear on one hand, and an unwillingness to overlook the bad, in order to see any good that does exist.
     So, if we're not judging Judaism by Jews, then how are we judging it? Let's go back to our zombie analogy. So, let's say you were a zombie and you left zombie culture to become a non-zombie. "Well," a member of the zombie community says to you, "you should come back. Don't judge all of us because some of us eat brains, have a lack of communication skills, (we're conversing right now, are we not?) have pale gray skin with unhealed wounds, and a one track mind." The zombie pauses while you process. "I actually used to be a film student/singer/photographer/physicist/surfer before becoming a zombie. I don't eat brains. In fact, I'm a vegan. I'm not like the other zombies. And I know many others who aren't like those other unscrupulous zombies out there." Of course, that doesn't mean that one should drop his/her whole life and become  zombie for the first time, or even go back to being a zombie if one was previously a zombie. A good idea would be to take an independent look at zombie culture and do my own research. Should I let my new very unzombie-like friend try to convince me that his zombie'ism is really not like that of the other zombie'ism that I may have experienced?
     Now, not every zombie is going to be like the ones you meet on the street in the dead of the night. And that's fine. There are a great many wonderful zombies out there. But the thing is this: just because this nice guy is a zombie and thinks it's fabulous, doesn't mean that you should change your whole life to become a zombie. Just because he's having a great time, and he's happy and it works for him, doesn't mean that you should quit your degree program and walk around with your arms outstretched, scaring the life out of people. You can have a great time at his house eating that vegan dinner but you don't have to become him. Just because he doesn't think you should judge all zombies because of the actions of some zombies, is still not a justification for adopting his lifestyle. "We don't all eat brains. Why don't you be a zombie who doesn't eat brains, like me?"
     Not everybody wants to be a zombie. It would be great if kiruv professionals would realize that, just like becoming a zombie, not everyone is looking to become orthodox, either.

Keeping it Hidden

Kiruv'd? Hide your BT status!

     Once upon a time, when I decided to uproot my secular life and become a ba'al teshuva (newly religious Jew,) I was strongly advised by an orthodox woman (who had been, decades before, a BT--ba'al teshuva,) that I should never, ever tell anyone that I was not always religious. "Tell them you're from out of town," she advised. "But don't tell them you're a BT." Of course, in my naivete, I privately laughed at this advice. I'm proud of my background, I thought to myself. I have no regrets, I'm not ashamed of anything I've done.
     Fast forward to the present time. I was researching material on the topic of what happens after kiruv workers convince the non-orthodox to take on an ultra-orthodox lifestyle. (Again, I'm talking about ultra-orthodoxy--meaning any orthodoxy that is past modern orthodoxy in observance and stringency.) I found a lot of interesting material on what those who become orthodox can expect, and much of what they can expect is kept well-hidden from new inductees during the process of becoming frum (religious.) I've included links to some pretty interesting articles, each highlighting different aspects of post-outreach ultra-orthodoxy. From how children of BTs are treated, to how FFB's [frum from birth--those who were born orthodox to orthodox parents] really feel about interacting with BTs, to the stresses of an orthodox lifestyle, to how communities enmeshed in kiruv-work are forgetting about their own community members, I've tried to create a montage of perspectives on what often happens once a person commits to an ultra-orthodox lifestyle. I hope that you'll take the time to click on the included links, and read the articles and the comments for greater insight.
     Rabbi Yakov Horowitz reprinted Catriel Sugarman's article from The Jewish Voice and Opinion, entitled "The Yeshiva World and the Children of Baalei Teshuva: The Ugly Secret," sparking a huge number of comments. Sugarman makes the interesting point that while the newly religious may think they have been fully accepted into a community, they very often find that once they have children, their kids face discrimination in school, social settings, and even later on, when it comes to getting married. Often such innocent-sounding questions on school applications for incoming students asking about the family's history, require the checking off of the box next to the term "ba'al teshuva," and for how long. These students are often treated as social pariahs, snubbed by both teachers and fellow students, regardless of how long the parents have studied Judaism in formal settings. Rare is it that the child of BTs is treated well, the article mentions, although there are exceptions, for instance, if the family is very wealthy and can contribute substantially to the school. The article provides accounts of bullying suffered by children, due only to their BT status in the community. What kiruv professionals failed to tell the parents they brought into orthodoxy was that despite teaching that a BT is considered higher up for having left the secular world and taken on the obligations of the orthodox world, BTs in the orthodox world are often treated poorly and have extremely low status.
     Sugarman's article isn't the only place that you can read about the plight of those who get past kiruv and become orthodox. A 2005 article on the Jewish Worker blog entitled "A Baal Teshuva's Fate in the Haredi World" discusses an explanation made by a woman married to the son of a ba'al teshuva. The problem, which is expressed in various articles around the internet, is that because BTs retain contact with their non-orthodox family and friends, they put the frum [orthodox] community at risk of being influenced towards a secular lifestyle, thus justifying the exclusion and alienation of the very people they worked so hard to make frum. She stated that a relative in education explained the low status and discrimination faced by BTs and their children this way:

He said that many Baalei Teshuva stay in contact with their non-religious families. Therefore they are a tremendous danger to everyone else. After all, the friends may actually see a non-religious person in the house etc.... Therefore she concluded, that it is better to hurt individual baalei teshuva then to put the whole community at harm.1

     "Humpty Dumpty Had A Great Fall," an article on Beyond BT, takes us on the journey of a person from pre-outreach to kiruv to BT to  leaving orthodoxy. The writer, whose byline is Little Frumhouse on the Prairie, vividly paints the picture of orthodox life as a BT wife and mother. She shows us how frum life can be frenzied, hectic, and both financially and mentally stressful, and can easily lead to a person leaving that lifestyle, even if the person was raised in a stable, non-orthodox environment.
     Finally, in "Chabad Fails Its Own Long Term Members, Chabadnik Says" an article found on Failed Messiah by guest writer Chabad Spring, the writer wants to "Turn Chabad Upside [down] and focus on in reach",[sic.] Chabad Spring urges his own Chabad community to curtail funding to outreach/kiruv efforts to non-religious Jews and to help their own community to maintain a decent standard of living. He talks about the extreme poverty that community members face due to the high cost of raising large families and sending them on to expensive yeshivahs. Instead, the writer points out that their own community's costs could be offset with funding that is put towards bringing more and more non-orthodox Jews to this lifestyle (including the costs of helping those on shlichos, or outreach missions--such as the families of college campus rabbis, those families running Chabad Houses in foreign cities, small towns, etc.) Chabad Spring writes:

Reality is, and it’s no secret, almost all our resources are going towards fishing for new Jews to join into our system, and making more frie[secular] people frum[orthodox].  We have Friendship circles, holocaust survivor circles, release time, youth programs for college kids, youth programs for kids who come to Chabad house, Camp Lemaan Achy,   Camps for yalday hashluchim [the children of Chabad's outreach workers],  you name it if you are not yet Frum = Chabad has something for you. Every sheliach [Chabad missionary] out there is doing his best to be mekarev yidden [get non-orthodox Jews to become orthodox], yet the fact of the matter is that there is none or little programming funds, resources, or attention paid to us, who are actually living the Chabad Working  lifestyle.[sic]2 

      In conversations on social media, I have been accused of trying to keep people from becoming orthodox. Rather than keeping people from orthodoxy, I think that most rational people understand that in making important life choices, it is beneficial to be presented with all information on these choices. That includes even the information that may be viewed as negative. Some may see this blog as providing that negative information, and question why I don't give the other side of the story. Well, that's where all of the outreach workers and their organizations come in. I am filling in the other side of the story, the side that you have to scour the internet for because those in kiruv would rather this side of the story remain hidden.


1. Bluke. A Baal Teshuva's Fate in the Charedi World. The Jewish Worker. 9/17/2005. Accessed 7/24/2013.
2. Chabad Spring. "Turn Chabad Upside and focus on in reach." hosted on Failed Messiah. 7/24/2012. Accessed 7/24/2013.

A Response to Criticism

     About a week and a half ago, I received my very first piece of email condemning this blog. I read it and responded, and even received a response back. I debated whether or not to write about it here, but  I finally decided to address certain points in the letters, since they are typical of the pro-kiruv ultra-orthodox mindset, and I believe that they can be used as a teaching tool. Out of respect for my detractor's privacy, I am not including any (non-general) identifying information, and I am not including her emails in their entirety. I do appreciate the fact that she took the time to email me and I also appreciate her willingness to stand behind her views. I recognize that it takes a lot of courage to do so, and even though she and I disagree, opening up a healthy dialogue is a positive step in understanding each other.

Text Excerpts from First Email (Spelling and grammar have not been corrected.)

 "The teachers and Rabbis and all the people doing the kiruv to help young people to come back to their roots and their heritage are not Ultra Orthodox.  They are normal orthodox Jewish people who live what they teach.  If you don't believe what Kiruv teaches and think that it is some marketing strategy or sales ploy, think again."

"Stop trying to take beautiful Jewish neshamos [souls, italics added] away from a priceless heritage that was given to them by Hashem." 

"You are bringing darkness into the world.  I don't usually take the time out of my day to speak to people like you, but maybe you need to question what you are doing and question where you come from and who you really are."

"Also remember that Hashem watches us.  Everything we do and say.  You are  not in charge.  Hashem runs the world not you.  If you are born Jewish, to a Jewish mother.  Wake up.  Open your eyes.  The Torah is instructions for how to live our lives.  This is not your purpose in life to destroy lives.  Hashem wants all his children to come back.  Everyday a person should say to themselves what am I living for ? What can I change?  Words from Rabbi Noah Weinberg.  A man we hold close to our hearts.  He lived his life for the sake of saving the Jewish nation.  You are causing damage that is all you are doing.  It is the same as murder, to take Jewish people away from Torah."

"One thing you need to understand is when you said that it should sell itself and not be used as "marketing strategy"  What are you doing to change some ones life for the better?  Sometimes it is necessary when it comes to young people especially, to give them glitz and glamour to help them to understand.  There is nothing wrong with that.  Nothing to do with marketing."

"Don't carry on with what you are doing or you might have many regrets later on."

Text Excerpts from Second Email		(Spelling and grammar have not been corrected.)

"I don't want to get into too much details of the Torah because it is very difficult to convince a sceptic of the Torah, about the beauty of it and the depth of it.  It also will be very difficult for you to understand at this point in your life, because you are not in that space of spirituality.  and Yes I do believe that the only kind of spirituality is that  of the Torah.  Saying that Hashem runs the world is not a claim of mine, its the Truth and hopefully one day in time, in the right time you will see it.  The reason why I say you are destroying lives is because Kiruv helps to stop assimilation.  Your mission is not going to help Jews to come back to their heritage, but to take them away and help them assimilate ie marry non Jews.  The Torah is a blue Print of the world, is a guide to help us live our lives properly and the way Hashem intended.  Good luck with your mission." 

"We all come into this life to do something important.  I can tell you that what you are doing by telling people that kiruv is a scam.  That's not the job you came to the earth for.  A person needs to delve into and learn Torah  with a qualified teacher in order to understand its essence.  You cannot just pull out parts of it that you see fit to criticize without seeing the overall picture and understanding the overall picture in depth.  Only Hashem knows and understands all things and knows and understands why he created the Torah.  Everything else is an illusion."

My Thoughts

• The writer of this email admits to believing that there is only one kind of spirituality and it's from the Torah. So right there, whatever you believe has already been crossed out of existence. You cannot possibly claim any spirituality unless it's from an orthodox perspective of the Torah. You think you're spiritual? Nope, sorry! This way of thinking is very arrogant. A good teacher learns from his/her students, but this black and white thinking is prevalent in kiruv. Ultra-orthodox Jewish outreach assumes that whatever you're doing, if it's not orthodox, then it's wrong.
• The writer claims that kiruv/outreach is not about marketing, but later claims that "sometimes it is necessary when it comes to young people especially, to give them glitz and glamour to help them to understand." Of course, we are all aware that this is marketing, however, the "glitz and glamour" is there to attract potential recruits and keep them interested. Never mind that much of what is used to attract, such as Torah Codes and other pseudo-science, have been disproven and criticized.
• The email writer claims that God is in charge of all things, but then accuses me of trying to lead  Jewish souls to assimilation, of bringing darkness to the world, and of being like a murderer. Later, she claims that "Hashem runs the world." If we go with her feeling that God runs the world, then I'm sure he's well aware of what I'm doing (assuming we are working within a belief system that allow for the existence of a higher power) so then it's really between this god and myself. Enter in the Jewish claim that people were given free will, despite God running the world, thus taking some of the onus off of God. However, God is supposedly aware of what I'm going to do, prior to me actually doing it (again, assuming that one believes in God in the first place.) Warning me of possible regret makes no sense here, because if she believes in God, then it's already written how this will pan out. (I'm noticing that this is so strange here, because of the cyclical nature of the argument itself: you have free will to do what God already knows you're going to do. I'm not saying this to offend believers, but even this argument, used in many kiruv discussions that I've attended, really seems only to confuse the focus of the new recruit, as do many of the other topics often discussed.) Back to the original point of this bulleted statement: if God is in charge of all things, then supposedly, what I am doing is part of this "all things."
• She claims that my mission won't help Jews come back to their roots, but will lead them to assimilation and/or intermarriage. All of ultra-orthodox kiruv believes that which is not orthodox outreach will cause assimilation and intermarriage. It doesn't matter if you are an active member of a liberal Jewish denomination or background (Reform, Conservative, Reconstructionist, Humanist, etc.) whatever it is that you are doing, unless it is orthodox, is leading to the demise of the Jewish people.
• She claims that "Hashem wants his children to come back." She later claims that "only Hashem knows and understands all things and knows and understands why he created the Torah.  Everything else is an illusion." If only God knows and understands, then that should tell us right there that nobody else can not possibly understand God, his reasons, nor his actions. When tragedy occurs, orthodox people often say "baruch dayan ha-emet," meaning that God is the true judge and whatever he has done, it is for the best and we, as humans, don't have to understand it, nor his reasons. (This is often comforting to people in mourning.) In that case, the writer of this letter cannot claim that God wants Jews to be orthodox or to "come back." (We can assume, based on her other statements, that she doesn't want Jews to be Reform.) If only God understands and knows all things, then orthodox kiruv, in its very essence, is presumptuous, as it works only on the presumption that only orthodox interpretation and adherence are what is expected of Jews. 
• The last point that I want to address is about this line: "You are causing damage that is all you are doing." The damage I am causing--if any at all--is to those who may now think twice about Jewish outreach, its underlying messages, its goals, its supporters, and its motivation. A savvy person wouldn't take a hundred thousand dollars and invest it in the first business opportunity that presents itself, no matter how exciting the package. Instead, a smart person would research different investment opportunities, and educate him/herself before making any long term decisions that could affect his/her future and financial security. Ultra orthodox outreach often works on the premise that kiruv professionals will be able to "wow" people and turn them on to orthodoxy, maybe even send them on an outreach trip, and transform people's lives before they can arm themselves with the other side of the story. If, by providing information, I am causing damage to the kiruv industry, then I know that my efforts are not wasted.

     I'd love to hear your thoughts on this, even we disagree. Feel free to post in the comments section. And thanks to all of you who have been reading this blog and driving up my reader stats. The few minutes you spend here is greatly appreciated.