How They Take Custody of Your Kids 101: Recipe for Alienation

Guest Post by Anonymous
Note from Rebecca M. Ross: Divorce is never easy. In the non-orthodox world, divorce can be traumatic for both children and adults as they experience the dissolution of the family unit. But in the frum world, if one spouse leaves orthodoxy and the couple divorces, bitter and expensive custody battles often ensue, children are alienated from the no longer religious parent, and whole communities take it upon themselves to shun the person who left. This recipe for pain and alienation is described in this piece. Those of us working on the Jewish Outreach: What Your Rabbi Isn't Telling You blog are grateful for the opportunity to reprint these words.

  Quick way and strategy they take full custody of your kids 101 and how one can easily fall for it--
1. They send very strong attorney letters to you saying you are mentally unstable and a danger to your kids. Very strong and intimidating and outlining clearly some crazy examples and such strong language that you are now very scared.
2. You attempt to get an attorney and you are told you need a massive retainer $$$$$ and the attorney tells you this won't be an easy case and may go on for years and this retainer will only last a few weeks.
3. You look for a free attorney and find out that is easier said then done and they are all lame and don't return calls and are so bad that you are guaranteed to lose.
4. During all this time you are broke. Trying to find work and realize that you will make less then enough to pay rent and actually eat too....
5. They have filed something with the court or they just simply aren't allowing you to see them and you have no recourse so while this is going on you do not see your kids or maybe you see them sporadically and you are starting to freak out.
6. You either hired regular attorney and are running out of funds and desperate and it's dragging on and retainer is almost gone you have no more funds for next payment and there is no end in sight or you hired free attorney and see they suck and kids are slipping away... time is passing....
7. Your ex (with financial help from anyone who decides to help save the kids neshamas) nasty attorneys are firing scary bomb letters to the court and you and you feel doomed.
8. IN MIDDLE OF ALL THIS... you get a call from a "kind" rabbi who wishes to HELP--
THIS IS THE KICKER.
  He offers to make court go away... and will try really hard to help you and "convince" your ex to agree via Bais Din and he (this Rabbi) has a heart and wants to help from the bottom of his "heart" now he says... look you aren't as frum as you were and your house may have a TV, etc. so I propose that you see your kids not on shabbos or yom tov... you understand I will have to really work on your ex to him/her to agree to you seeing the children at all and get this concession and I will do it bec[ause] I really "care" about you and want you and the kids to be close.
Now in the process, you no longer will have to pay attorneys and we will agree to this in the beis din...he says.
You are broke--
Want to see your kids desperately
You can't continue paying attorneys that can guarantee nothing
So you agree
It is binding... in court of law.
Now since you have to work you get a few hours at night on a weekday
And Sunday... to see your kids. This is better then nothing and you aren't guaranteed this good deal with your attorneys that you can't pay for anyways... so you agree.
Soon they say your house is not suitable kosher, TV blah blah so no visitation in the house...
You can take them anywhere else
Pizza shop
Zoo
Etc. Kosher places... No movies of course.
Then Sunday hours become less and less
9-5 becomes 10-4 and then 11-3 and then 12-2
After a while...
They have bombarded the kids against you.
Alienated them
Brainwashed them
The kids are sullen
The kids won't talk much
The kids don't show affection anymore
Midweek visits are gone bec[ause] they say there is too much homework and kids are tired after long day at yeshiva... so you only see them Sunday.
More time goes by... older kids act angry and nasty and start refusing to come... You may be relieved because they are acting so hurtful towards you anyways and it is so painful....
You can't force them anyway.
The nice rabbi says "oy we can't force him, what can I do?" He does nothing of course--this is all part of the plan.
The younger ones get older and do the same in short order....
Meanwhile you went through hell thinking up fun activities and cried a million tears and buying gifts they show no appreciation for.... No phone calls are returned by kids....
This is the recipe.

What BuzzFeed Forgot to Tell You About The Lubavitcher Rebbe and Chabad

     On June 19, 2015, BuzzFeed posted an article entitled "11 Ways the Lubavitcher Rebbe Forever Changed the World" in honor of the twenty-first anniversary of the death of the Lubavitcher Rebbe, Menachem Mendel Schneerson. It was a very lovely tribute to the man who headed Chabad and still inspires people all over the world to explore orthodox Judaism. I figured I'd quickly add a bit of information that's missing.

     What BuzzFeed lists: "Judaism in the public thoroughfare." They cite the ubiquitous Chabad menorahs as further proof that Judaism is now very public. 
     What BuzzFeed leaves out: The truth is, Chabad is everywhere, and the same way people don't necessarily want missionaries approaching them, is the same way they may not want Chabad shluchim (emissaries) approaching them. Add a dose of Jewish guilt to the mix and the next thing you know, you're eating cholent and singing Shabbos zmiros. (That's a joke, I think.) A New York Times article about the Rebbe states:

[The Rebbe] tried to reach [non-orthodox Jews] through broad public campaigns that included, in addition to the mitzvah tanks, full-page newspaper advertisements announcing the time that candles should be kindled to welcome the Sabbath.

While some passers-by accepted the invitation to put on tefillin -- black leather straps and boxes containing verses from the Scripture and worn by the faithful during prayer -- the "Are you Jewish" question rubbed others the wrong way; many thought religion too private to discuss with strangers on street corners.1 

     What BuzzFeed lists: "Speak to the youth." The article goes on to say "instead of viewing children as merely unfinished adults, the Rebbe viewed the vigor, openness, and pursuit of truth among youth as a unique advantage they could teach and inspire world-weary adults. In the same vein, the Rebbe would dedicate special talks to children, engaging with their minds and hearts with the deepest secrets of the Torah."2
     What BuzzFeed leaves out: The Rebbe was a firm believer in "reaching the parent through the child, beginning Torah education early."3 Chabad's handbook for shluchim discusses education for children and the importance of beginning early. It states:

Chabad's Mommy and Me programs are places where mothers and children are invited to meetings where innocuous topics as childcare and health are discussed. The children are busy with arts and crafts. Mitzvos and Judaism are introduced after a few sessions. . . . Mommy and Me . . . serves as an exceptional tool to . . . involve them with other Chabad activities.4

Chabad tells people working with non-orthodox parents who were convinced to put their children in a Chabad-directed school:

     In order to be successful in involving and bringing families closer to Yiddishkeit, we, the administrators and teachers, need to establish warm and positive personal relationships with individual families. They then feel comfortable with us, trust us and want to work with us.
     Once parents feel that we do, indeed, care about them on a personal level, they will then be more inclined to become involved with the school's programs. With friendly encouragement they will begin to make personal commitments to mitzvos as well. The more exposure and contact we have with the families the closer they will become. 5

     Without going into a tirade about campus kiruv, a New York Times article about the Rebbe mentions that "one Reform group attacked him for luring non-Orthodox children to Hasidic lives in which they rejected the values of their parents."6

     What BuzzFeed lists: "Rebellion is Revelation" and states:

The Rebbe’s approach declared, “Finally the iceberg of America is beginning to melt! Finally, its young people are demonstrating that conformity is not the sum of life’s goals! They have smashed the idols of false progress — they need now only be led back to the living waters of their heritage.7

     What BuzzFeed leaves out: While refusing to conform to the norms of the secular world may be seen and celebrated in a positive light, try telling a person living in the Chabad world that they don't need to conform to the standards of their ultra-orthodox community and see what they say. Both women and men who wish to leave Chabad and orthodoxy struggle to retain custody of their children. Women often struggle to obtain a proper get (Jewish divorce) from their husbands. Families often completely shun their grown children who refuse to conform and opt out of orthodoxy. A double standard exists in this world: if you refuse to conform to the secular and/or non-orthodox worlds, you are celebrated. If you refuse to conform to Chabad's strict orthodoxy--which is not the same happy-go-lucky orthodoxy sold to you at the Shabbos table--you are rejected.

      What BuzzFeed lists: "The Power of the Feminine Soul" stating that:

When the world struggled with including women within the rubric of Jewish tradition, the Rebbe had already long empowered women to be leaders and thinkers, masters of Jewish future and bringers of light in the world.8

     What BuzzFeed leaves out: While this sounds nice on paper, this is specifically about Judaism, and not the world at large. This also neglects to mention that women must follow certain gender-based laws within Judaism, as interpreted by the Lubavitch movement. Women are still bound by the same laws of orthodoxy as all orthodox women. For example, women must follow the Rebbe's orders that they cover their hair specifically (and are often chastised by other women if they don't,) women are told how to dress, and young girls are groomed from the time they are in school on how to be a proper daughter of Israel--according to Chabad's teachings. Women's issues are sugar-coated by apologists who still bow to the religious patriarchy which still enforces many antiquated beliefs.

     What BuzzFeed lists: "No person is far gone." Chabad is famous for the outreach work they do to Jews in prison. The article states "even someone imprisoned for crimes committed, could not be overlooked or ignored and can and should be rehabilitated and activated for good."9
     What BuzzFeed leaves out: While the Rebbe may have been a great guy for bringing Judaism to the tinok shenishba (Jews who aren't religious due to ignorance) in prison, believing that he/she can be spiritually reformed, the same belief isn't always held for those believed to be heretics and apostates. Heretics and apostates are often excommunicated, cast out from both family and community, sometimes out of fear that they will have a negative influence on others in the community. In a nutshell: criminals--not far gone, people leaving Chabad and orthodoxy--far gone.

     What BuzzFeed lists: "Joy." The article states "Judaism deserved not to be mourned and eulogized, but to be celebrated."10
     What BuzzFeed leaves out: Even in living Judaism with joy, it is still orthodox-centric. Mixed dancing is prohibited, men are not allowed to listen to women sing, and all joyous activities must still follow orthodox guidelines. As for Judaism being celebrated, I do wonder about the balance of joy. While there are some families where fathers are taking a more active role in childcare and home-related chores, I know that there are many that aren't, or that traditionally haven't, and while men are out farbrenging (a farbrengen is a joyous Chasidic celebration,) the women are often at home, caring for children.

     What BuzzFeed lists: "Always Practical." The Rebbe wanted people to do mitzvot (commandments,) often translated as "good deeds." He felt that it was more important to do something--no matter how simple, rather than nothing.
     What BuzzFeed leaves out: The motivation is that every mitzvah/deed that a person does brings Moshiach (the messiah) and redemption closer. Getting non-orthodox Jews to help Chabadniks score points by agreeing to put on tefillin (phylacteries) or make a blessing on an apple and honey for Rosh Hashanah may seem innocuous, but understand why these things are being pushed.

     What BuzzFeed lists: "We are All One Community." The article states "as the Rebbe told then New York Mayor David Dinkins, “We are one side. We are one people, living in one city, under one administration and under one G-d.”11
     What BuzzFeed leaves out: The Rebbe may have felt that "we are one people" but I have to wonder when there is infighting between sects, the infighting within sects, hateful and condescending comments often made about the Conservative, Reform, and other liberal denominations, racism, and the shameful elitism often found in online Chabad forums.



     What BuzzFeed lists: "Harness Technology."

The Rebbe . . . considered [technology] a valuable component to achieving greater good.
Using the latest means of communication, the Rebbe encouraged that radio in the 1950s, satellite in the 1980s and Internet in the early 1990s all be used to promulgate knowledge and education. When technology was harnessed properly, he taught, it not only was not a negative, but itself a portent G-dliness[sic] and goodness in the world.12

     What BuzzFeed leaves out: Technology is a very important tool in Chabad's method of kiruv. They have a huge, active website, and each Chabad House around the world appears to have a website that is linked to the main site. Their program calendars are listed, as are the services that they offer. Chabad also uses technology to keep in touch with their shluchim (emissaries) who often live far from their families, friends, and communities. Children of shluchim often use the internet as an educational tool. It's not that the Rebbe is telling you to spend your days and nights on Facebook, but rather that technology can be used to their benefit in furthering their own outreach goals.

     What BuzzFeed lists: "Think Global." This brief section is simply about the thousands of kiruv workers sent to live and work all over the world, in order to missionize non-orthodox Jews.
     What BuzzFeed leaves out: This isn't quite the same global thinking that environmentalists have in mind.

     What BuzzFeed lists: "Act local." The article mentions that "emissaries are largely funded locally, forming a holistic part of the local community."13
     What BuzzFeed leaves out: Actions cannot take place without funding. While Chabad programs are often highly subsidized with a suggested donation and a pay what you can/we won't turn you away attitude, the truth is, shluchim often live on community donations and receive very little funding from the main Chabad offices, and usually only during the first year. This is one of the reasons why Chabad trains future kiruv workers in the fine art of fundraising. And yes, they're pretty good at it.

Works Cited
1. Goldman, Ari L. Rabbi Schneerson Led A Small Hasidic Sect To World Prominence. The New York Times. June 13, 1994.
2. BuzzFeed Community Member "Mordechail." 11 Ways the Lubavitcher Rebbe Forever Changed the World. BuzzFeed.com. June, 19, 2015.
3. Plotkin, Goldie, qtd. in Shlichus: Meeting the Outreach Challenge. Nshei Ubnos Chabad, 1991. p76.
4. Lerner, Nettie, qtd. in Shlichus: Meeting the Outreach Challenge. Nshei Ubnos Chabad, 1991. pp. 75-6.
5. Fajnland, Ronya, qtd. in Shlichus Outreach Insights. Nshei Chabad Publications. 1996. p.69.
6. Goldman, Ari L. Rabbi Schneerson Led A Small Hasidic Sect To World Prominence. The New York Times. June 13, 1994.
7. BuzzFeed Community Member "Mordechail." 11 Ways the Lubavitcher Rebbe Forever Changed the World. BuzzFeed.com. June, 19, 2015.
8. ibid.
9. ibid.
10. ibid.
11. ibid.
12. ibid.
13. ibid.

Orthodox Kiruv, Rape Culture, and an Unrelated Interview with the Blogger

     I'd like to extend a warm thank you to all of the readers who have messaged me with their stories, their questions, and their comments about this blog. Over the past months, I've been ridiculously busy with many other projects. I was also touched to receive a request for an interview for the OTD Stories project, started by a good friend of mine. In this interview, I discuss my journeys both on and off the derech (path of orthodox Judaism,) as well as a bit about my current projects. I figured I'd share that here, in case you're interested. While you're there, take a look around. It's a really great site, and totally worth your time.

     I'd also like you point you over to this article, The Grey Area of Rape Culture in the Black and White World of Jewish Orthodoxy by Esther Tova Stanley, in which Ms. Stanley discusses how young women targeted by kiruv professionals are often put in very compromising positions in a relationship with rabbis who are seen as trusted authority figures. She states:

You see, there’s an odd relationship between male authority figures (“Rabbis”) and female students that is considered “normal” within the post high-school year abroad programs. It not only accepts, but actively encourages a relationship in which an adult male takes young female students under his wing in the name of “kiruv” (loosely translated to bringing someone closer to G-d.) [sic]

The Rabbis do this by cultivating a false sense of trust, telling the young students that they see something special in them, encouraging them to share details of their personal lives and sometimes offering (inappropriate) personal details of their own. As my seminary Rabbi once said to me in reference to “his girls” and his method of kiruv, “I like to break them and then make them.”  This creepy comment was followed by an even creepier wink. (Lucky for me, I left that school almost as fast as I got there.)

The idea is for this relationship to inspire the student, spiritually.  To see that living an ultra-orthodox life is the only REAL way to truly LIVE. Those Rabbis who engage in it are seen as possessing a gift, are considered selfless for giving up so much of their time to educate and uplift young, easily influenced souls and bring them onto the path of observance. It’s considered a mitzvah (a good deed.)1

     Most campus kiruv organizations push students to go on extended trips to Israel, many of which include time spent learning in yeshivas or seminaries, depending on one's gender. In addition to being away from home and healthy doses of skepticism, students are encouraged to spend time with rabbis, who often take on the role of spiritual advisers. This puts students in a position of heightened vulnerability, a position they may not even realize they're in at the time.
     I strongly suggest reading the article in full for a good understanding of how there really can be a grey area between trusted rabbi and sexual predator, and how the boundaries of appropriateness can easily be both obscured and crossed in the male-rabbi female-student relationship.


1. Stanley, Esther Tova. The Grey Area of Rape Culture in the Black and White World of Jewish Orthodoxy. qtd. on Not for Ourselves Alone: Gender Politics and Parenting in the 21st Century blog by Juliet C. Bond. April 20, 2015. 6:58am.

Welcome to Kiruv City. Speed Limit: Faster! Faster!

In Defense of the Bitter Ex-BT Blogs
A Guest Post by DK

This essay was originally posted on The Kvetcher blog in January 2007. At the time, the new power and challenge of the Internet generally and blogs specifically were being reckoned with by the haredi world in an intense way.  This article was posted in response to "The Dilemma of the Talented ex-BTs,” by Ron Coleman on the baal teshuvah [newly ultra-Orthodox] support site, Beyond BT. His piece dealt with the problems of ex-baal teshuvah bloggers specifically to the kiruv [“outreach”] movement and beyond.  “In Defense of the Bitter Ex-BT Blogs “ was my defense of this specific subset of ex-baal teshuvah writers. The Kvetcher blog is currently locked.

The focus of this essay was restricted to defending the newly ultra-Orthodox bloggers who took it upon themselves to warn others about what they witnessed,  and critique the institutions and attitudes they experienced. This repost was inspired by Brielle Levy and others who seem unwilling to recognize entry problems cause by Big Kiruv.  But it is dedicated to all who have spoken out despite their shame and fear, willing to suffer ridicule and condemnation in order to warn others of the cost and realities of joining an ultra-Orthodox enclave.

--

Ron Coleman is a black hat fellow, as he has revealed in comments on this blog as well as elsewhere.  Naturally, he is not very happy with what the "bitter ex-BT bloggers" are writing about the haredi BT world.

Coleman writes:

Because ultimately my rather mundane point, of course, is that it is a special bitterness -- I cannot say wickedness; we all are tinokos shenishbu (compared to "captured children") -- that makes a talented former BT, man or woman, do this. They do not just walk away from what they think is a car wreck of a spiritual journey but flag everyone else tooling happily along the road and swear that the bridge is out, there are monsters waiting on the next exit and that it was actually much better where they were coming from and you can't U-turn fast enough to get back there.

 And he asks, "What motivates them?"

Coleman offers that, "My armchair psychology tells me that they would rather believe the journey is an eight-lane disaster than consider whether they themselves forgot to check the oil under their own hoods before setting out."

Well, Ron is assuming that none of us take any ownership for our actions. In fact, many of us do, and frequently do not forgive ourselves for doing so.

The newly religious are "encouraged to
drive quite fast and reckless."

In the haredi BT world, you are frequently discouraged from checking under the hood. All too often, you are sent to the races, and encouraged to drive quite fast and reckless. And sometimes--go figure--you end up in a few fender benders, and get dizzy, and feel like you are going nowhere except in circles. Then when you announce you don't like this race anymore, people start changing. No one in the racetrack wants to help you, especially the referees on the side wearing the black and white outfits of authority. Instead they yell at you you for riding off the racetrack. If you're lucky,--very lucky--someone might secretly whisper in your ear that it's okay if you stop racing like you have been. But almost everyone at the racetrack just tries to get you to race some more. And then things get ugly. Because you want to reclaim your car, and some people don't approve of changing tires, new brakes, or adding gas. Definitely not adding gas.

So you go outside, and you stay kinda quiet. And you don't tell people about your racing days. Only a couple of people know. But then you see that they are opening more racetracks, and adding bleachers to the old ones, always recruiting new racers. And you see that the referees were the same ones who were there when you used to race, and are making the tracks even more dangerous in accordance with management's new rules for still better racing.

And you feel a sense of solidarity for the new racers, especially the young ones.  You want to tell them what you know about racing. And make sure they do check the oil, and make sure they don't drive too fast, that they get enough gas, and quite frankly, not to trust that the referees are on their side. Because they are not. They are simply there first and foremost to make people race as fast as they can make them, in accordance with management's wishes.

So you announce you have some questions; you have some concerns. But you are told that you have to go to customer service if you have a complaint. But they don't want to listen; they just want you to shut up. They even tell you that they will only listen to your complaint if you ask very, very nicely and politely, and don't say anything bad about the racetrack. And you see the customer service manager through the window, and it turns out, the manager is the same referee you have a problem with, or at least, is related to him.

But one day, outside the racetrack, they invent a bullhorn. And you pick it up, and stand outside the racetrack. And you start protesting the treatment of the racers, and the insanity of the racetrack.  And some people hear you, and they start listening. And you find other protesters of the racetrack, other former racetrack racers. Sometimes you stand together, sometimes you stand alone. But because you are saying bad things about the referees and even criticizing the racetrack itself, you are all declared haters of racing.  Even though some of you privately still race on your own terms, though not at a racetrack, and yeah, some of you indeed don't race all that much anymore.

But it isn't racing itself you are really against. It's the referees and the specific demands they make, as well as concern of what is expected and demanded of the racers, who seem less of a priority than the race itself, and whose individual needs and limits are casually and assiduously brushed aside, even delegitimized.

But my goal--and I believe frequently the goal of other former racers like me--is not really to stop the racers from racing, though admittedly, that isn't my concern. My concern is the racer. Because the owner of the racetrack does not speak directly, and I don't believe that the managers report to him as directly as they claim. For if they did, the racers would be surely be treated differently, and the race a different experience altogether.

If the referees and managers cannot dispute our charges but neither can they change the house rules of the race, but can only call the protesters "racer haters," then their racetracks are simply not to be considered appropriate for most new racers, particularly the youngest racers.

There are other racetracks, slower ones with wider lanes and service roads.  These must be utilized instead, or built from scratch. I don't claim to have the perfect balance. I don't claim to have all the answers. But I do have the questions.
And if the recruits don't know how to ask them, and their parents don't understand the real questions either, and the FFBs certainly have no interest in raising them on their behalf, and even the best and seasoned BTs are only willing to hint at the crucial questions lest they draw a yellow flag (it isn't hard to do), then who will ask them if we don't? Who, Ron?

You?

DK is a blogger at Kvetcher.net.

Ed. Note: This post was reposted with all of the original links intact.