Kollel Wives and Kiruv'd College Kids

     I recently read a post on one of many forums for orthodox women that addressed a woman's concern that her post-high school stint at seminary (most likely in Israel) served to mislead her about the type of life she'd ultimately be living. She asked the group if seminary brainwashing jeopardized their marriage, and the discussion grew to about 14 pages by the time I'd finished reading. Many of the issues raised in this thread by this very insightful group of women, who range from Modern Orthodox to Hasidic with various levels of education and who live all over the world, are issues that I've often raised on this blog.
     Those who felt that they'd been "brainwashed" in seminary, talked about how they were only seventeen and eighteen years old (college-age) and just out of high school with no real world experience. They were convinced by educators whom they'd trusted that they should marry a guy in kollel (who learns Torah full-time, or for the first five years of their marriage,) and weren't taught to plan for the future. They discussed how men, upon leaving the kollel yeshiva, weren't prepared to make a living, and this burden often fell on the shoulders of the wives, who had to work to support a growing family as well as a husband who studied all day. Several mentioned that financial responsibility for the couple and their children was shared by their own parents or in-laws. The women questioned why the yeshivas were encouraging financial dependency, and criticized the fact that they were taught to look derisively upon those studying in college for a career. They pointed out that men who learned well into their thirties and beyond, were then too old to start a career at the bottom--by then they had large families to support. Some women felt that their educators had overstepped their bounds and had given advice that was detrimental to the lives of the very impressionable college-age seminary students they were encouraging.
     I know that many of the women on this particular forum do not agree with my stance on what I tend to call "deceptive kiruv," mostly because many believe that kiruv is a meritorious pursuit. But if we divorce the main issues--kiruv and kollel wives--we have several overlapping factors: young, impressionable high school graduates; young people away from home and away from daily interactions with family to whom they can relay anything they may find questionable; skilled educators pushing a certain agenda and undermining parents; lack of experience in the wider world; youthful idealism without the wisdom to be more skeptical about what it is they're learning.
     An argument that I've often heard to counter my issues with kiruv on the college level is that if kids are over 18, or old enough to fend for themselves, then they're fair game for kiruv workers, and they should be able to recognize such "brainwashing" for what it is. I don't agree with this argument at all. But now, married orthodox women are bringing up the very same issues regarding people of the same age group. Deceptive kiruv is not isolated from the rest of the orthodox world. It is an issue that must be addressed on many different levels because it affects many different people, often for life.

Outreach: Tearing Apart Families on Both Sides of the Holy Spectrum

from http://www.imamother.com/forum/viewtopic.php?t=36648&highlight=kiruv

I know that there are many people who aren't thrilled that I'm publicly writing against orthodox outreach. Dishonest attempts to cause non-orthodox Jews to leave their current lifestyles and become orthodox are, at best, disrespectful to those Jews and their families. At worst, kiruv can cause irreparable damage to families for years at a time, sometimes for life. Good friends of mine have told me horror stories of their own children getting caught up in irresponsible Jewish outreach and breaking all ties with their families, believing that this new lifestyle requires that they isolate themselves within the orthodox community. While not all outreach professionals outrightly encourage young people to break familial ties, they all promote a lifestyle which, through its stringences alone, subtly pushes people to alienate, or become alienated from, their families. People who are new to religious observance may feel pressured to do everything perfectly and may not have the ability to balance their secular upbringing and family with their new religious lifestyle. In an effort to please their rabbis, mentors, and God, many inadvertently push their secular friends and family away.
     That brings me to the image that I've included with this post. (Click on image to enlarge or read the original post here .) I took this from Imamother, an online forum for married orthodox Jewish women, from a thread entitled "Who Here is Shrewd and Creative? Need to Arrange Kiruv." (Don't even get me started on the use of the word shrewd.) This particular thread is about a woman who wants to be mekarev (bring closer to God in an effort to become more religiously observant) a young woman and is looking for ways to introduce her to someone who might inspire her to become orthodox. (I'm only commenting on the post in the image, but feel free to read the original post. Just to make this easier, everything in blue was stated by "Mummiedearest" in response to the block in white, which is another commenter quoting and responding to a different set of text posted by Mummiedearest. In the quoted material, I included the definitions of Hebrew terminology in parentheses following the italicized word.) Although this conversation is from 2007, I think a lot of what Mummiedearest states is still relevant.
     Mummiedearest, an orthodox woman, states:

I think we have to realize that we are not superior to non-religious Jews.... Why is it that so many baalei teshuva (newly religious Jews) have a hard time fitting in to frum (religious) communities? I get it, let's be mekarev them and once they're frum enough and don't need kiruv, we can shun them with a clear conscience. Kiruv is NOT a project, hobby, or career. Kiruv should be done out of ahavas yisroel (love for fellow Jews), not because of a superiority complex.1

She seems to be appalled by people with little or no experience turning non-religious Jews into their pet projects and by those involved in outreach thinking they're better than everyone else. Even though she doesn't think that all outreach is bad, the fact that she recognizes some of it as problematic is good. It gives me hope that maybe more orthodox people will realize that not every non-orthodox Jew is fair game in what often seems to be a recruitment hunt.
     The following quote is my favorite. While Mummiedearest and I would probably have some key differences in our feelings about God, she makes a great point regarding those who ended up religious despite that never being their intention:

I know people who were pushed to become frum, became frum, married, had kids, and finally said enough. They weren't ready, felt pressured, and eventually left their families to fend for themselves. We have to think of people as people, not chessed (kindness) projects, not "nebuchs,"(poor, unfortunate people,)  not "badly in need of kiruv." Yes, a person's soul wants the closeness to G-d. Absolutely. But the person has to recognize it.2

 While I would disagree on "what a person's soul wants," I have to hand it to Mummiedearest. She's right on point when she states that "the person has to recognize it." A major problem I have with Jewish outreach is that kiruv agents assume that everyone, whether they realize it or not, yearns to be religious. But Mummiedearest, an orthodox woman--notice how I keep stressing her background, feels that the person him/herself needs to recognize this need within him/herself. She doesn't think outreach should be done deceptively and even mentions later on that a person will ask questions if interested and will find her own mentor if she desires one. Mummiedearest seems to see the big picture, the reality of what happens to people who are pushed into religious observance and realize later on that they are totally miserable in this lifestyle. What kiruv professionals often don't realize is that experiences like these tend to turn people off to all Judaism, not only orthodox Judaism. 


1. "Mummiedearest, member since July 24, 2007, New York qtd. in "Who Here is Shrewd and Creative? Need to Arrange Kiruv" on December 27, 2007. Original thread posted by Anonymous on December 26, 2007. http://www.imamother.com/forum/viewtopic.php?t=36648&highlight=kiruv accessed 2/23/2013 at 3:28pm.
2. ibid.