Cutting Ties to Family and Friends in the Name of Kiruv

  While some rabbis claim that they would never influence ba'alei teshuva/newly religious to sever familial ties, Sephardi Chief Rabbi of Israel Yitzhak Yosef believes in just the opposite approach. Earlier this week, Ynetnews reported that Yosef "has called for religious Jews to distance their children from secular or merely traditionally Jewish family members, and even to prevent their children from meeting them."1 The Chief Rabbi stated "There are ba'alei tshuva (once-secular Jews who have become observant) with non-religious families who take their small, 7-year-old, 8-year-old children to visit [non-religious family], and this influences the children."2 His concern is that secular influences such as TV and interaction with non-orthodox family will ultimately pave the way for kids to leave orthodoxy.
  The rabbi's words were countered by Rabbi Refael "Rafi" Feuerstein, the co-chairman of the rabbinical organization Tzohar, [who] criticized the chief rabbi's approach and said, "The fruits of a disconnected and anxious education are that we treat the secular public with arrogance and contempt . . .  and only increases polarization and hatred in people."3
  Adding to the difficulty of changing one's life to become orthodox, the Chief Rabbi now wants BTs (ba'alei teshuva) to cause more strife and anger within their families. Bad enough that BTs have already informed their families that they cannot eat on their dishes or drive to them on the holidays, that they will not see them or take their calls over Shabbat, that they've given up many activities that they previously enjoyed with extended family, that their lifestyle is hugely different from that of their parents, and that they've taken on a strict interpretation of Jewish practice, they now are expected to sever bonds with their non-orthodox family to ensure their children's spiritual safety.
  In Margery I. Schwartz's book "What's Up with the Hard Core Jewish People? An Irreverent Yet Informative Approach to Judaism and Religious Devotion From A Reform Jewish Mother's Perspective" she talks about Aish HaTorah's grip on her son and how the yeshiva

encourage[s] students to reject their upbringing if it's not according to Torah. They believe that they are reprogramming our children in the proper path. Aish doesn't focus on the fact that a person from a non-Orthodox background most often cannot be integrated into the ultra-orthodox world without destroying old friendships and family connections.4

  While some readers might be thinking that Rabbi Yitzhak Yosef's words and even those of Margery Schwartz are inaccurate and that kiruv rabbis do not promote or justify severing ties with non-orthodox family, it only takes a Google search to find various blog posts suggesting just the opposite. Even Chabad Rabbi Tzvi Freeman's addresses a reader's question asking why a close long-term friendship suddenly collapsed as one of the friends became increasingly orthodox. Freeman states:

Many of us have been through this. You fall in love with a different way of living, rituals, study -- a whole new wave of life washes over you -- and your only way to deal with it is by blocking out the rest of the world. I've seen it happen not only to people getting into their Judaism, but with musicians, artists, career people, politicians. Although, yes, religion may be the most encompassing of all.

It's a sign of an earnest personality, someone who puts his all into anything he does. You can't achieve a total immersion into anything without first letting go of everything else. Perhaps it was that same earnestness that allowed such a strong bond between the two of you in younger years. This is a person who, wherever he is, all of him is there.5

  Freeman blames the BT's personality for alienating his friend and assumes it's because he is, perhaps, very earnest. He says it's the same thing that any person who is passionate about something might do. But Freeman does admit that this alienation may be more extreme when it comes from religion. The one thing that Freeman doesn't address is whether people becoming orthodox are being influenced, either subtly or overtly, to sever relationships that kiruv professionals and their organizations may feel are, in some way, not kosher.
  When we look back at Sephardi Chief Rabbi of Israel Yitzhak Yosef's concern about being influenced by those who aren't orthodox, it seems like his ideas aren't so shocking. They're just the same extremist views that other kiruv organizations hold. The only difference is that he seems to have no problem saying them out loud.
1. Nachshoni, Kobi. Chief Rabbi: Keep children away from secular family. Ynetnews. March 13, 2016.
2. Ibid.
3. Ibid.
4.  Schwartz, Margery I. What's Up with the Hard Core Jewish People? An Irreverent Yet Informative Approach to Judaism and Religious Devotion From A Reform Jewish Mother's Perspective. US. 2006. p. 18.
5. Freeman, Tzvi. My Orthodox Friend Cut Me Off! Chabad.org.

All of the Benefits, None of the Kool-Aid: A Review of D. Gutbezahl's Article on Kiruv

     I recently had the pleasure of reading David Gutbezahl's article "Eat the Food Without Drinking the Kool-Aid: How to Get the Most Out of Orthodox Outreach Programs." After telling readers about his background--David Gutbezahl fits in somewhere between Conservative and Reform and has spent time studying Judaism at Pardes in Jerusalem--he informs his readers that his desire to learn more brought him to consider, and ultimately take part in, the Lakewood Fellowship, an ultra-orthodox study program in Lakewood, New Jersey. One of Gutbezahl's concerns was that he "would have to spend a week living in the homes of extremely observant orthodox Jews, experiencing the way they lived."1 He tells his readers "I was definitely a bit nervous, I think my parents might have been more scared, but I went along with it...."2 Having heard many stories from parents of college kids who opted to study at ultra-orthodox institutions and ended up "frumming out" (becoming religious,) I can completely understand both his and his parents' concern. However, Gutbezahl appears to have clearly understood that this is the program's goal--to bring people into such a world and hopefully convince them to make the move to an ultra-orthodox lifestyle. He states:

Don’t get me wrong.  I think they all actually would like to see me start wearing a black suit and white shirt. These sort of programs don’t just exist as a way to teach a little Torah and get us to be more accepting of their lifestyle—that is a goal, but there is a further agenda too. Torah Links is a kiruv organization, meaning they are Orthodox outreach, and their goal is to “convert” people into Baalei Teshuvot, secular Jews who have “returned” and become more religious.3

     Gutbezahl advises people attending such kiruv/outreach programs to go in with a healthy level of self-confidence. He wisely tells us that "if you go in with no confidence in the way you live your life, convinced that your beliefs and your Judaism is wrong or inferior to theirs, guess what? You’ll likely suck up everything they say, leaving no room for your ability to think a bit for yourself."4 Sadly, in some programs, mentors will often stick negative quips about other forms of Judaism into their lectures, so participants who are already unsure of their Judaism may fall prey to their own lack of confidence in their own belief systems. While I completely agree with Gutbezahl's advice, I can easily see how those with minimal exposure to a Jewish life can fall victim to ultra-orthodox outreach. If kiruv professionals undermine the way prospective recruits were raised (whether they were raised as secular, cultural, Atheist, Reform, Conservative, Reconstructionist, Humanist, etc.,) and those recruits aren't too sure about their own beliefs for whatever reason, they become an easy, or easier, target than those who are already sure of their beliefs or lack thereof.
     Readers are also advised to "think with your brain, not your stomach."5 This is invaluable advice. I remember going to someone's home for a Shabbat meal when I was in college and remarking that the chicken was delicious. I was told that it was good because it was on a higher spiritual plane due to it being kosher. That's not why it's good, folks. It's good because it's been soaked and salted. Anyone can brine a chicken. It has nothing to do with elevated spirituality.
     David Gutbezahl reminds us to "remember while you’re having fun, or after really, that half the fun and half of what you’re seeing is partly just show meant to get you to want to adopt this lifestyle."6 This is the most important thing that non-orthodox participants in outreach programs need to really internalize. Families that may seem perfect while you're a guest in their homes may be wonderful people and may really love their lifestyle, but that doesn't mean their life is perfect, or that they aren't struggling in some way, or that they walk around blissed out on regular day when they have no guests. Adopting an ultra-orthodox life doesn't suddenly absolve people of their problems, just as being secular, or Christian, or Buddhist (you see where I'm going here?) doesn't suddenly absolve people of their problems.
     While Gutbezahl tells us that he can see himself being more observant (but not orthodox) after taking part in the Lakewood Fellowships, it seems that this outcome wasn't a direct result of this program. He appears to be someone who has been Jewishly inspired throughout his life, and was looking to find another learning opportunity. I believe that his advice to those interested in these programs is sound. Gutbezahl was already aware of the purpose of  outreach programs and this awareness enabled him to go in with an open mind, as well as a clear strategy for walking away with only what he wanted to gain from the Lakewood Fellowship. For people in his shoes with his wisdom, these programs can serve to enhance one's life. It's those lacking this awareness, and lacking the self-confidence that David Gutbezahl writes about, who may end up having their lives changed in ways they weren't necessarily expecting.


1. Gutbezahl, David. "Eat the Food Without Drinking the Kool-Aid: How to Get the Most Out of Orthodox Outreach Programs." New Voices. January 21, 2014.
2. ibid.
3. ibid.
4. ibid.
5. ibid.
6. ibid.

Deceased Non-Orthodox Jews Undeserving of Honors?

Click to enlarge.

     This is not a post about Israeli politics. This is a post about decency. The picture included with this post is from a letter from Y. Friedman to the editor of Hamodia, the nearly hundred-year old "daily newspaper for Torah Jewry." This is not a paper that the ultra-orthodox don't take seriously--if you visit neighborhoods like Monsey, New York, you'll see many houses marked with the Hamodia box for home delivery.
     The "About Me" section of Hamodia's website justifies the position in this letter quite clearly. They state that the purpose of their newspaper is "to assist in the critical battle against the strong winds of assimilation that threatened the very foundations of our nation. In this struggle for survival, these Gedolim and others recognized the power of a Torah-true newspaper as the appropriate response to the lure of the spiritual war being waged against the Torah camp by popular youth movements."1 This makes perfect sense for the Haredi audience targeted with its ultra-orthodox-centric "Torah perspective."2 With that understanding in place, it's understandable that this newspaper would not want to bestow any postmortem honors on someone who did not live an orthodox life.
     Let's back up for a second.
     The Hebrew term "zichrono levracha," abbreviated "z"l," means "of blessed memory" and is often used to denote a non-rabbinical figure of good character. Hamodia's use of the term after Ariel Sharon's name prompted reader Y. Friedman to write to the newspaper stating that he/she

was astonished and astounded to see that [Hamodia] honored Sharon with a very undeserving title "z"l" (Zichrono Levracha.) Even though the writer attempts to describe him as a very proud Jew, it seems to be quite irrelevant when the proud one is actually not practicing what he's proud of. Hamodia, being an orthodox paper with Torah values should of [sic] not honored an unorthodox person with this title. 3

     Hamodia's editor agreed with the writer of the letter that it was an "oversight" that a person who was not orthodox was given this honor. I thought about the baalei teshuva (newly religious) readers of Hamodia who might have non-orthodox family and might find Hamodia's stance to be offensive. I thought about the people involved in kiruv who read and support this newspaper. I thought of the potential BT's (baalei teshuva) who might find this article while spending a Shabbos at the house of an orthodox family and be put off by such a statement. Who gave Hamodia's editorial staff the right to decide who is of blessed memory and who is not? Why not err on the side of tactfulness? Why create a further embarrassment (chilul Hashem with your coffee, anyone?) by publicly passing judgement on whether or not someone should be given honors and by retracting honors given? Instead of backing the writer of the original article, the editorial staff apologized and took the stance that non-orthodox Jews do not deserve honors after death. Hamodia could have easily taken the high road and not even printed this letter. Instead, they opted to widen the rift between orthodox and non-orthodox Jews. I am not in favor of deceptive kiruv, but I'm puzzled as to why such a widely read publication would not take the opportunity to bring people closer to Judaism or just leave them alone, but instead play the "us and them" card.  It seems like there may be a bulb out in this light unto nations.


1. Hamodia. About Us. accessed January 25, 2014.
2. ibid.
3. Y. Friedman. Letters to the Editor. Hamodia. January 23, 2014. (note: at the time of publication of this blog, this letter did not appear on the online version of Hamodia. The picture submitted is from the print version only.)

The Kiruv Debate: A Response to "La Responsa"

     One of the amazing things about the internet is that it gives people the opportunity to connect with each other in ways that we never could before. It gives us the opportunity to look at ideas critically, write about those ideas, and, if we're lucky, receive a response.  My last post, Kiruv Professional Writes about Recruiting Jews on Campus, received a blog post in response. (You can read the original here, but I do want to request that if you do comment on Rachel Eden's post on her blog site, to please feel free to agree or disagree--but be respectful.) I will be referencing her article in pieces in order to respond fairly.
     Rachel begins by writing

Amazing what adrenaline can do. I was hoping for an early night. Just half an hour ago, I was lying in bed (half-asleep) and ready to turn in. I decided that I’d let the blog go for the evening or the week but, by-the-by, found an article in the blogosphere that took my article (this one) out of context to promote different and oppositional ideas so now…I’m awake.  I’d rather not draw anyone’s attention to this blog because I don’t agree with the writer at all but I would like to acknowledge the style of the writer’s (Rebecca’s) article. Rebecca didn’t attack me in any way or at least I don’t feel attacked by Rebecca personally but some of my writing was misinterpreted to fit with her agenda which I don’t love. Rebecca- we’re women- so let’s put it all out there. You’re my Jewish sister. Let’s get real. Really real. Therefore, friends, I give you: La Responsa.

I do sincerely hope that Rachel got a good night's sleep afterwards. For the record, I do try to be very respectful of those I criticize. Just because we disagree doesn't mean that we're not each deserving of respectful dialogue. I want to thank Rachel for recognizing that I wasn't attacking her personally. She continues:

1. In my article “Blowing the Head Off Of Campus Outreach”, the goal for most kiruv professionals is to help a student feel more connected to Judaism, God, other Jews, and to develop (from that connection) a stronger commitment to Judaism. Most kiruv professionals that I’ve spoken to (and I talk to the most fanatic!) do not want carbon copies of themselves or even to force a student into an “orthodox lifestyle” (her words). A the goal for most kiruv professionals is to help a student feel more connected to Judaism, God, other Jews, and to develop (from that connection) a stronger commitment to Judaism. to reflect that connection is not the same thing as forcing someone into a little cookie-cutter mold called “orthodox”.  True story.

     I have to agree and disagree here. I do agree that "the goal for most kiruv professionals is to help a student feel more connected to Judaism, God, other Jews, and to develop (from that connection) a stronger commitment to Judaism." However, it's what those words mean that I find troubling. For a Jewish student connected to a non-orthodox yet Jewish lifestyle, "stronger commitment" means increasing levels of observance. Because the outreach worker happens to be orthodox by default, that person will be emphasizing "a stronger commitment to Judaism," but through orthodox practice. Because orthodox Judaism doesn't recognize the more liberal factions of Judaism to be valid expressions of Judaism, kiruv workers will not be encouraging students to practice Conservative, Reform, Reconstructionist, or Humanist Judaism. Ms. Eden suggests that encouraging students "to reflect that connection [a student's stronger commitment to Judaism] is not the same thing as forcing  someone into a little cookie-cutter mold called "orthodox."" However, she then appears to contradict herself in her second statement:

2. My “brazen” (her words) mention of students needing inner-strength to live a more Jewish life even when friends and, at times, family take exception…Where to start? We all (should) make choices at some point that don’t sit well or even threaten others. Whenever I go on a diet, I inevitably encounter people who are threatened by my new choices and I need to fortify myself to eat healthy and exercise in the face of such people. OK, not quite. It’s been a while since I’ve been on a real diet but the principle is there. It is  hard for certain types of people (usually the insecure types) to feel comfortable when someone else is making choices to live a healthier, happier life (I’m not just talking  about Jews). The idea is that those who truly love us will be happy we’re happy and support us. If not immediately, then eventually. Rebecca: Why fear change? Change can be good! In that vein, why fear questioning? The definition of “brainwash” is to adopt radically different beliefs by using systematic and often forcible pressure. The ability to question is a person’s only chance NOT to get brainwashed and I certainly hope you aren’t trying to brainwash your readers, Rebecca STRONG people QUESTION. WEAK people bury their heads in the sand.

     Let's go back. Ms. Eden said before she doesn't believe in forcing people into orthodox Judaism. Let's give the benefit of the doubt here, and get rid of the word "forcing." (To clarify, I don't believe that people are "forced," but are rather completely misled to believe that orthodox Judaism--the only type of Judaism being peddled by kiruv professionals--is the only valid expression of Judaism.) I see this second statement as contradicting her first statement. If students aren't being pushed or influenced towards orthodox Judaism, then the following should be unnecessary: "We all (should) make choices at some point that don’t sit well or even threaten others....It is  hard for certain types of people (usually the insecure types) to feel comfortable when someone else is making choices to live a healthier, happier life (I’m not just talking  about Jews)." What choices would these students be making that aren't sitting well with others? Is she talking about a move towards ... wait for it ... orthodox Judaism? Ms. Eden suggests that I "fear change." Again, what change would that be? If nobody is pushing orthodoxy, then there is no change. Except that's not true. As I've said before, I have no problem with people coming to orthodoxy by their own volition. The problem I have is when people are willfully misled by kiruv workers who teach that the all-encompassing cozy blanket is "just Judaism." It is not "just Judaism." It is specifically an Ashkenazi brand of orthodox Judaism.
     I do agree that it is very important to give people the ability to question. Of course, this goes both ways. In kiruv, outreach workers encourage their students to question their own non-orthodox lives in order to change their lives. In the real orthodox world, students who question orthodox doctrine, who question orthodoxy, who question their parents and their teachers, are often alienated from the community, rather than given the room to explore other expressions of Judaism, education, and personal satisfaction.
     Since we're talking about allowing people the option of questioning, this seems like a good time to point out this line from Ms. Eden's first paragraph: "I’d rather not draw anyone’s attention to this blog because I don’t agree with the writer at all." By not providing a link  to my blog (which is the writer's prerogative,) and by not providing even the title of the blog, nor the title of the post, Ms. Eden has robbed her own readers of their right to view and question a view that opposes her own. I don't fear questioning at all. The reason I started this blog was specifically for people who are looking for information and who are questioning. By providing information that is often left out by people in kiruv, it helps those who may not want to be steered towards orthodoxy to understand the underlying goal of outreach. This brings us to Ms. Eden's third point:

3. My step-to-step guide of how a kiruv professional develops a relationship with students does sound contrived and, in fact, is contrived. I’m not being facetious when I tell you that I’m not naturally sociable and don’t enjoy socializing, per se. The result of these steps is actually an organic relationship. Proof? My husband and I were “set up” on a blind date that led to a (short) series of dates before our engagement. The whole process was forced, contrived. However, my marriage is anything but contrived. It is very real. One can go through a premeditated series of steps and the outcome of the connection between those two people will depend on those two people- not the steps that got them there. My best friend is dating a guy who had a crush on her for two years and used the pretense of friendship to solidify a bond with her. Was he being dishonest? Honesty isn’t even in the equation. The honesty was his intention to connect and whether they’d end up together was up to their chemistry. Same with my relationships with students. Either we end up having a deep and long-lasting friendship or the chemistry isn’t right.

     The steps are contrived. Regardless of the outcome, the steps themselves are in place to form a relationship that otherwise would not exist. Whether the relationship is good or bad as an end result really isn't the issue at all. Here's an example: A woman is raped. As a result of that rape, she ends up pregnant. For her own personal reasons, she decides not to have an abortion. She decides to keep the baby and the child gives her joy throughout her life. The fact that she loves her child more than anything does not suddenly make rape acceptable. These are two separate issues. Part A--rape is wrong, no matter what the outcome. Part B--the woman has a child whom she loves. In the case of kiruv, Part A is also separated from Part B. The relationship is contrived with a specific goal in mind. If the relationship works out for both parties, that's wonderful, but it doesn't negate Part A.
Let's look at the fourth point.

4. Rebecca seems overly concerned with families who “try to figure out how to relate to their children and how to weather the growing pains of the baal teshuvah”. To me, a healthy and loving family views a member’s growing devotion to Judaism as a positive thing and accommodates the family member’s request for, say, kosher food. If my children ask me to serve them food that is more “kosher” than I’m accustomed to eating, I would be happy that they want to strive for a stronger commitment. I would commend my own parenting efforts because, after all, I taught them the importance of being Jewish which led to this self-discovery. I don’t want my kids to follow my path in Judaism. I want them to follow theirs. Abraham was happy to have Isaac and not another Abraham. Those two were different and had very different paths towards God. Both were good. Neither one should be judged. Abraham wasn’t preoccupied (I assume) with the fact that Isaac didn’t embrace the kindness of hospitality the way he did. Rather, he was proud that Isaac developed the trait of self-restraint and discipline.

     Let's look at this scenario through a different lens, but let's start with Rachel's statement, "I don’t want my kids to follow my path in Judaism. I want them to follow theirs." If Ms. Eden's children were to decide that they no longer believed that orthodox Judaism was the way to go, and instead, opted to live as Humanist Jews, would Ms. Eden be as accommodating to their needs as she expects non-orthodox parents should be to the needs of their BT children? Let's assume that her children are simply following their own path in Judaism. Would she "commend [her] own parenting efforts because, after all, [she] taught them the importance of being Jewish which led to this self-discovery?" If we are expected to understand that "Abraham and Isaac ... were different and had very different paths towards God" then we should understand that all Jews are different and have different pathways in life, making kiruv unnecessary. But that's not the case. A kiruv rabbi who has been commenting on this blog as anonymous but signs off as "AM" ("Anonymous Mekarev") states that:

1. It is the firm position of Halachic Judaism that all Jews have a responsibility to influence others to the realization that there is a creator of the world and that there is a correct code of conduct for human beings in general and Jews (as His reps to the world) in particular.

2. We are to do this by any peaceful means including persuasion because we are held responsible for others' actions and welfare to the amount that we can influence them for the better. We have a moral obligation to educate people about this code of conduct who - through no fault of their own - do not yet understand what is incumbent upon them being born as Jews. (AnonymousDecember 17, 2013 at 4:28 AM)

 These statements actually disprove the idea that the orthodox kiruv worker believes all Jews to have different pathways in life. Sure, maybe in the non-spiritual realm of their lives, but as far as their spiritual lives, outreach professionals believe that those pathways need to be paved with halachic Judaism as defined by orthodoxy. Based on this, it is my belief that while Ms. Eden thinks that non-orthodox parents should be happy to change their own lives to meet the new needs of their grown children, she would not necessarily be quite as happy to do this in the opposite situation.
     Ms. Eden ends her response with number five:

5. Finally, Rebecca’s (and her commenters’) plea for more transparency in campus outreach. I can only speak for myself and my husband when I say that our prayer for our students is a heightened awareness and connection with Judaism. We never made any other claim. Those students that I’m closest with (and are probably reading this) know I bust their chops about dating non-Jewish people because I love them and feel close enough to discuss my opinions openly with them. In return, they discuss their honest opinions with me. I’ve debated some extremely opinionated students in my day and one girl (who I feel very close to) has, indeed, left me changed. I believe she has made me a more open and less judgmental person. I hope I have made her more proud of her Judaism. How much more transparent can I get?
If you have an opinion – whether you agree with me or you don’t- I’d love to hear it.
Rebecca- whoever you are, wherever you are- I love you girl. Before you judge, how about listening with an open heart? You may be surprised there are no devil horns beneath my wig. 

     I will admit that I did chuckle at Rachel's last sentence. Many of my friends on Facebook probably saw my 2013 Halloween picture, in which I sported a pair of purple devil horns. I wear mine openly. Although I will admit that I gave up the wig years ago.
     Let me just take a quick moment to thank Rachel Eden, and my commenter AM, as well as any other kiruv professionals who have read and taken the time to respond to this blog--either as a whole, or in part. While we may not all agree on kiruv (my issue is deceptive kiruv,) I really hope that we can all continue to engage in a mutually respectful dialogue. I recognize that coming out to counter my posts may be daunting, but it shows that you are dedicated to your work. And even if I am not a fan of your work, I do admire your devotion to it. I've said in private conversations that we may disagree on this issue, but that doesn't mean that we disagree on all issues. As a rule, I attack the issue and I don't condone personal attacks. After all, we're not family. (That's a joke.) There are many people who comment on my blog who have suffered greatly because of deceptive practices, so understand that sensitivities often run high. For many, kiruv is a very emotional issue.
     I also want to thank those of you who have supported this blog by commenting, by reading, and by sharing these posts with your friends, family, and/or followers. I want to thank those of you who have reached out via email and Facebook to share your very personal stories with me. I am humbled by your willingness to open up to me, a total stranger. You folks are the reason I'm still writing about kiruv.
     I hope that by providing this side of the story, all of us--regardless of what side of the issue we support--can learn from each other.



Except for the material referenced within the body of the post written by anonymous poster AM, all quoted/indented text is from:
Eden, Rachel. "La Responsa." This Way to Eden. December 17, 2013.

Rebellion, Zumba, and A Funny Outreach Speech

     There's a lot to write about today on many subjects. So, we'll start at the beginning. So, here we go. Thank you to all who have read and contacted me about "Total Immersion," a short story I wrote that was published on JewishFiction.net. Thank you for your comments, both positive and negative. I've been writing fiction for over twenty years and only within the past few years have I actually pursued publication. If you checked out the story, stay a few minutes over there and look at Jewish Fiction's incredible editorial board. I'm thrilled that my story was selected for this issue. (They've also published work by Elie Wiesel. So I feel very honored.)

     I just had the pleasure of reading Pop Chasid's blog post "It's a Baal Teshuva's Job to Rebel Against the Orthodox World."I suggest going over there and reading it, but here are some juicy tidbits. Pop Chasid makes the point that once religious,  baal teshuvas (BTs, newly religious people) begin to "realize that a culture does not equal truth."1 He talks about how BTs "come to Judaism with a fresh perspective" and how it is their job as BTs "to turn every part of the world inside out, and that includes the orthdox one."2 (As a former BT, this actually explains why many former BTs who ultimately leave orthodoxy still retain ties to the community in hopes of changing it.)
     Pop Chasid is right--the job of the BT is to offer new views. What becomes problematic is when kiruv workers look to stifle those views and churn out carbon copies of themselves, instead of giving BTs permission to keep the things that make them unique. Permission, you ask? Yes. I've read complaints from BTs about feeling pressured to give up activities that they love because the rabbis who led them to orthodoxy come from communities who eschew these things. Currently, the new thing to ban is zumba.

In the document issued by the Rabbinical Court of the Ashkenazi Community in Beitar [Israel] and headlined "warning," women are explicitly forbidden from running or taking Zumba classes, deemed indecent because they involve moving parts of the body.

"Recently our city has seen the opening of classes employing the South American 'Zumba' method,” it reads. “After having established that both in form and manner, the activity is entirely at odds with both the ways of the Torah and the holiness of Israel, as are the songs associated to it, I hereby announce that the organization and participation in such classes is forbidden.3”

Click to enlarge. Hat tip:VDN

I'm still trying to understand how women dancing with women in an exercise studio and having a great time and a great workout in a non-judgmental atmosphere (yes, I've zumba'd in combat boots, un-coordination and all,) can cause rabbis to enact a ban. I know, I know. You're thinking "how does this impact on the US?" Well, "Brooklyn Rabbi Zecharia Wallerstein said that the dance craze can lead Jewish women towards pole dancing and prostitution. He said: “Zumba will become pole, pole will become prostitution and you will lose all of your kids… The whole world is just falling apart.”4 Ironically, pole dancing and zumba are a great way to burn off all of those extra calories from heavy carb-laden foods like kugel and cholent. And what does this have to do with kiruv? An unfortunate by-product of bans and newly enacted religious strictures is that they tend to cause a shift towards the right in the religious community. There are those who support these bans because they believe in them. There are others who go along with them because they don't want to make waves. Community pressure keeps people from disagreeing loudly and publicly. After all, if you want to zumba/wear shorter skirts/not cover your hair with your community's accepted hair covering,  then you may have to suffer the consequences of having your children not accepted by the schools of your choice, losing out on good marriage prospects, etc. Even those who disagree with what their rabbis say are often silenced in order to maintain the status quo.
     The Lakewood Scoop (see picture) reported as far back as 2011 that the Gym Lakewood was getting rid of their Zumba class offering because of complaints. You can read the comments here. They're quite entertaining.

     For a bit of fun, I highly recommend watching "The Funniest Outreach Speech Ever," given by Hilly Gross back in 1986. He talks about Rabbi Ephraim Buchwald (of Lincoln Square Synagogue) and how he'd send people out to families for Shabbat meals right after services.

Let me tell you why I love this speech and why I generally have no problem with this. First of all, Lincoln Square Synagogue is Modern Orthodox synagogue. People who are interested in Judaism come in for the Beginner's Minyan. Rabbis are not out recruiting, and are not out telling people that this is the only option. I also like the humorous honesty that Hilly Gross uses to give his speech. He wants to speed through davening, make a quick kiddush when he gets home, eat, and go to sleep. And he talks about being irritated that these beginners want to do it all, drawn out, the way they do it "at Effy's house." I like his self-deprecating sense of humor, and how it's not used to denigrate other forms of Judaism. (Having sat through many lectures by kiruv rabbis, it's nice not to hear insults hurled, even with humor, at Reform and Conservative Jewish practice.) Above all, I love how non-judgmental he is, and how he talks about his own spirituality being lifted by that of the Beginners. Hilly Gross doesn't try to cover the fact that after a while, one's spirituality may wane, that one may not always be as inspired as he/she was in the beginning, and that sleep sometimes seems like a better option than singing zmiros (Shabbos songs) around the table. I remarked to a close friend of mine that in the world of Big Kiruv, the truth as put by Hilly Gross, would never be put out there as bluntly as in this speech. Nobody tells kids and young adults getting involved in these kiruv organizations that yes, there will be a time when the rosy kiruv glow wears off, and you're back to life as usual, just with a lot of Jewish responsibilities. And I don't recall ever being told that really, it's okay not to sing every single verse of "Shalom Aleichem" on Shabbos. Modern Orthodoxy, for people who want to be part of mainstream society and still have an orthodox connection to Judaism, is a wonderful way of maintaining that connection without becoming completely overwhelmed, and without being pressured to leave one's whole life behind. Why this lifestyle is not being offered by kiruv workers is something I don't understand. There's no reason to churn out copy after copy of Aish-type BTs who think they have to upend their entire lives, family dynamic, and social group in order to have Judaism in their lives. Judaism should not have to destroy a life to enhance it. Oh, and by the way, Modern Orthodoxy allows zumba.

Whether we like it or not, our job as baal teshuvas is to always rebel.  It is to turn every part of the world inside out, and that includes the orthodox one.  - See more at: http://popchassid.com/baal-teshuvas-rebel-orthodox/#sthash.1CyN3EWS.dpuf

we realize that a culture does not equal truth.

we realize that a culture does not equal truth.

04DecIt’s A Baal Teshuva’s Job To Rebel Against The Orthodox World

When a person, like a baal teshuva, decides to leave his culture and join another, the beginning of the process is one of rebellion against the culture he grew up in.  A big, healthy part of the process is realizing all the lies of the world he lived in before.  Realizing how empty it is and why he’s choosing to follow a different path.  Often, he’s rebelling against his own parents.  Rebelling against everything he learned.
The problem is that most baal teshuvas think that the rebellion ends there.  I felt like that for a while.  I know many others who still feel that way.  They think, “Okay, that world I left was bad, so now I need to fit into this new world as much as possible.”
But there is a problem: the orthodox world, unfortunately, is just as messed up as the “outside”.
Most of us don’t realize this at first because we connected through some outside force, like a Chabad house or a yeshiva in Jerusalem or something else.  And in that world, we lived in our own culture, sheltered from the universe we were about to enter.
But eventually we run into that truth.  We enter the culture and we find out that there are many rabbis that can’t be trusted.  We realize that not everyone is as idealistic as the people who brought us into the fold.  And that perhaps some of the people that brought us into the fold weren’t as great as we thought they were.
In sum: we realize that a culture does not equal truth.

- See more at: http://popchassid.com/baal-teshuvas-rebel-orthodox/#sthash.1CyN3EWS.dpuf

04DecIt’s A Baal Teshuva’s Job To Rebel Against The Orthodox World

When a person, like a baal teshuva, decides to leave his culture and join another, the beginning of the process is one of rebellion against the culture he grew up in.  A big, healthy part of the process is realizing all the lies of the world he lived in before.  Realizing how empty it is and why he’s choosing to follow a different path.  Often, he’s rebelling against his own parents.  Rebelling against everything he learned.
The problem is that most baal teshuvas think that the rebellion ends there.  I felt like that for a while.  I know many others who still feel that way.  They think, “Okay, that world I left was bad, so now I need to fit into this new world as much as possible.”
But there is a problem: the orthodox world, unfortunately, is just as messed up as the “outside”.
Most of us don’t realize this at first because we connected through some outside force, like a Chabad house or a yeshiva in Jerusalem or something else.  And in that world, we lived in our own culture, sheltered from the universe we were about to enter.
But eventually we run into that truth.  We enter the culture and we find out that there are many rabbis that can’t be trusted.  We realize that not everyone is as idealistic as the people who brought us into the fold.  And that perhaps some of the people that brought us into the fold weren’t as great as we thought they were.
In sum: we realize that a culture does not equal truth.

- See more at: http://popchassid.com/baal-teshuvas-rebel-orthodox/#sthash.1CyN3EWS.dpuf

1. Pop Chasid. It's a Baal Teshuva's Job to Rebel Against the Orthodox World, Pop Chasid, December 4, 2013.
2. ibid.
3. Sommer, Alison Kaplan. Haredi Rabbis Ban All-Female Zumba Classes. Haaretz. September 9, 2013.
4. Levin, Joe. 'Zumba makes you a whore’ says US Rabbi Zecharia Wallerstein. TOT. December 5, 2013.

Individual Truths Revealed Through Satire

     Back in 2010, orthodox blogger Heshy Fried wrote a post entitled "The Top 10 Kiruv Indoctrination Practices" on his blog, "Frum Satire." (For those unfamiliar, Frum Satire is a blog in which Heshy writes about orthodoxy and issues important to orthodox Jews using satire.) This is what Merriam-Webster has to say about satire:

sat·ire

noun \ˈsa-ˌtī(-ə)r\ : a way of using humor to show that someone or something is foolish, weak, bad, etc. : humor that shows the weaknesses or bad qualities of a person, government, society, etc.

     In my opinion, it's very telling when someone within the orthodox world comes forward and calls  acts of kiruv "indoctrination practices" and refers to those who've become orthodox as having "drank the Kool-Aid." According to Heshy, the top ten kiruv indoctrination practices are as follows: Shabbos Meals, Gematria (which A. Nuran explains in the comments section as "superstitious numerological nonsense which allows you to “prove” any damned thing you want by assigning values to letters and letting the Law of Large Numbers lead you astray. Search through a big enough text with it and you can find any message you want including “No matter how you slice it it’s still baloney,”) Motivational Speakers, Frum Theologians or Scientists, Former Ministers, Beginner's Minyanim, Pay You, Free Trips, Books Written by Famous People Who Became Frum, and The Internet. Under each heading, Heshy gives about a paragraph of explanation. For example:

Pay you: I never thought the day would come when I could get paid to attend services or come to a class, but on college campuses this is starting to become the norm for non-Chabad Rabbis to do. They tell you that if you come to class every week they will give you $500 or a “free” scuba diving trip (another chance for kiruv indoctrination.) I have also heard of rabbis paying people to attend services, or put on tefillin every day.

While I agree with all of those he's listed (and several that didn't make the cut,) the best part of his article was--you guessed it--the comments. But before I go there, I want to mention again that Heshy Fried is an orthodox blogger pointing out some of the issues in orthodox society. I've been reading his blog for years, I've had the pleasure of sharing in several email exchanges with him, and I find him to be refreshingly down to earth. When Heshy puts up a post, we accept that he's showing us the world through his eyes. The comments that come up usually run the gamut from pure hatred of his blog posts to agreement with his sentiment, to further explanation by those who have had direct experiences with the subject of the specific post. About two weeks ago, I received an email from someone who accused me, based on reading my blog,  of hating religious people and harboring great hatred towards the religious community. Unfortunately, as I've stated in other posts, it's been my experience that many in the orthodox world, both publicly and privately, label people who disagree with them or find fault within the orthodox world as anti-Semites or self-hating Jews. My response to the email was simple:

I believe you're mistaken. Critical analysis of the practices of certain factions of a larger group does not translate to "anger" or "hatred."

What needs to exist is a safe space to offer criticism of groups that we either are, or were, a part of, in order to offer our knowledge and opinions of these subjects--in this case--Jewish outreach--so that they can be found by others who are searching for other perspectives. Heshy's post on kiruv practices gave way to a safe space for open debate and shared conversation. I'm posting some of the comments here for further discussion. I also want to point out that only in the interest of clarity have I corrected some of the spelling and grammar, but otherwise, the comments are as they exist on the original post.

Gevaldigger June 28, 2010, 6:51 PM Kiruv in the college scene has turned into a real business (non-profit of course). You must see these Yentes shout out on the campuses, wow; “Are you Jewish?” “Oh, you look Jewish, come to my house for shabbos”"Come on, I know you’re Jewish!”
It’s a real bizayon to find out they keep elaborate databases of all the students they’re involved with. There’s a whole group of students that are fighting the college campus kiruv movements; especially frum students, since they make it a point to shoo the frummies away since they aren’t cool enough apparently.
I laughed when I saw my friend’s picture on the pamphlet for one of the trips. She’s not frum at all, she just loves to party and gets paid to promote the program....
 I’m really glad you’re exposing this in a positive light, since as much fun as being frum is (ok, just a teensy bit of sarcasm there), we really don’t need members of our community going out selling orthodox judaism as as a bunch of cheap thrills and free trips.
Something I give credit to Rabbi Rabbs (ok buddy, don’t get ahead of yourself, I didn’t say I agree with everything you say) [ha'omer bshem omro meyveee.......]:
If you’re worried that the Jewish nation will disappear, you lack emunas hashem. Clear and Simple, God made a promise. Our nation will not disappear.

So it’s really time for these college campus movements to stop selling OUR Judaism short. No more motorcycle riders, no more ex-priests. How about for once they bring in a few greasy shucklers from Philly or Mir and let ‘em all know about the Gishmake Thurs night cholent instead of the Kegs sponsored by unknowing donors. 

Devorah June 29, 2010, 11:20 AM What a great post! Soo true. I’ve enjoyed reading the comments section also.… I’m glad to see that others feel the same way about the tactics of some of these organizations as I do…it really is an obscene amount of marketing, with slick, well-spoken rabbi’s (in both Aish and Chabad), glossy websites, and giving away freebies like they’re going out of style (why don’t they divert all these funds to improve their own schools, and get genuine, truly learned, nurturing teachers, who actually know what they’re doing, and smaller class sizes? Then maybe so many kids wouldn’t go OTD).

What pisses me off is the way these movements target people in vulnerable situations, such as college students who are on their own for the first time in the big, wide world, away from their families, prisoners, sick people, new immigrants (including olim).
I also think it sucks when kiruv organizations shoo frum people away from their cool programs, (despite the fact that they advertise them publicly), as if it can destroy their marketing ploy. In Jerusalem, I needed a Shabbat meal, and I heard that a Chabad Rabbi in the old city had big ones going. I got told that no, i couldn’t come, I was too religious, and I’d be taking up a potential spot of a non religious person who could show up at the last minute. This sort of attitude definitely goes against what Chabad kids are taught from the cradle: “God may have put you on earth for 70 or 80 years just so you can do a favor for someone else.”
The best way to attract people to Torah and Mitzvot, is to just be kind to people. That’s it .... You are doing a Jew a favor because he needs it, not because you hope to make him frum.  

effetexas June 28, 2010, 8:01 PM I have to admit I was drawn to Yiddishkeit through Shabbos meals and beginners' minyans. My frustration was after they pull you in they expect you to : 1 put on a black hat (I like my medium sized knitted kippah, thanks.) (2) move to NY , Baltimore, or Chicago.... (3) this is Chabad-centric but, wear a gartel when davening and hang on every “Rebbe released from jail ” story like it's gospel. If you don't do these things you're a lost cause apikorus or worse—Modern Orthodox!! gevalt……shanda….. gevalt!'

Drew Mazanec June 28, 2010, 8:09 PM What got me was the Shabbos meal and the local Jewish Learning Center, where Haredi kiruvites give free classes, where you get invited for Shabbos meals, until you realize you’re spending every Saturday with the frum community because you are getting more meal invites than you can take, from people who seem so nice! After a few months, I moved into the community (cuz where else do you know absolutely everybody who lives within a half mile radius?) and a few months later it dawned on me.

It dawned on me like it dawned on Nebuchadnezzar. Remember him from Daniel? He went mad for a while, eating wild grass, being driven from men, until his hair grew wild like eagles’ feathers and his fingernails like talons? Imagine how he must have felt when his mind returned to him, looking at his ragged condition asking “What the hell just happened?”
Yeah, that’s how I felt. “Holy crap. I’m frum.” Yet I did not go off the derech at that point. I was too connected to the community. It took a move to a different city to successfully break off from frumkeit. Escaped by the skin of my teeth. If I had been successfully shidduch’d, I’d have been sealed inside.

Anonymous June 28, 2010, 9:25 PM I’ve seen all of these, except the former ministers; none of them really got me hooked. But when the Chabad rabbi on my college campus showed up at the AEPi house (where I was living) to help the brothers build a sukkah, I could have guzzled a gallon of koolaide. Sure, it took some false starts before I became fully shomer mitzvos, but you shouldnt think kiruv is a small-minded effort, with standard tactics and no creativity.

Guest June 29, 2010, 2:23 PM Those that were healthy and balanced going in, can easily maintain/reacquire their sense of normalcy, after the fact, as long as they don’t buy into this notion that now they are frum, they have to forget about all that introductory fluff, and realize that Judaism is about conformity, restricting freedoms, and maximizing self-denial. That approach may have worked for people in the 16th century, but is not sustainable for many of us now. Or desirable.

Esther July 1, 2010, 3:48 PM As a new immigrant at the age of 14, I ended up in an Orthodox yeshiva designed to turn ignorant Russian Jews like myself into good Orthodox ones… I recall shabbos meals, staying over at religious people’s homes so they can school us, sitting through a never ending Pesach seder with nobody explaining anything and our English being severely inadequate at the time… I don’t recall anyone offering to pay though. That could have sealed the deal. As it was, my mom pulled, nay, yanked me out of there and placed me in a public school as soon as she noticed that I had been in an all female setting so long and I had no idea what to do around boys. Thankfully, all that’s changed now. At this point, I wouldn’t know what do without them.

     There are many opinions about orthodox kiruv practices. And many of these opinions may be viewed as negative. However, when you have people within the orthodox community who find that these practices are problematic, I have to wonder why Big (and little) Kiruv isn't taking a closer look in the mirror. Where is their faith? Commenter Gevaldigger makes a great point and maybe those involved in deceptive kiruv need to listen harder: "If you’re worried that the Jewish nation will disappear, you lack emunas Hashem [faith in God.] Clear and Simple, God made a promise. Our nation will not disappear."

All quotes, including comments are from:
Fried, Heshy. "Top 10 Kiruv Indoctrination Practices." Frum Satire. 6/28/2010.

Honesty: The Best Policy

     It was recently brought to my attention that this blog, Jewish Outreach: What Your Rabbi Isn't Telling You, is being discussed on Imamother,  a rather busy and diverse forum for orthodox women.  Imamother community users range from liberal Modern Orthodox to Far Right Charedi and everything in between, both Litvish and Hasidic, who come from a broad range of nationalities, and fall into a wide spectrum of ethnic identities. When I heard that my blog was reaching this group, I was both happy and concerned, unsure of how the views of this blog would be received. Given the extreme nature of the blog address ("stopkiruvnow" doesn't really make for easy alliances I've been told,) I was surprised to see that people even bothered to read any of the posts at all.
     But you know what I found?
     I found an intelligent, honest, four page discussion in response to my post "Aish HaTorah and Multilevel Marketing Scams." Many women, presumably of the orthodox world, agreed that kiruv is not always done responsibly. A few felt that it isn't right to try to make people religious, and someone stated that kiruv should not be done at all. Some felt that with so many other religions and cults existing, that Jewish outreach is doing what has to be done, e.g. using marketing tactics such as slick advertising, etc., in order to draw people in. One commenter expressed that

The reason the comparison [to multilevel marketing] is apt is because the MLM marketing hides the negative aspects of the product, and kiruv does also. You only find those out yourself after you have already paid the price. Then you resent the seller. I would have appreciated more honesty and transparency [in kiruv.]1

 She then listed some of the issues that are often withheld from those venturing into orthodoxy. What surprised me most was that there are people within the orthodox world who agree that dishonest and deceptive kiruv practices have to change.
     Blogger Shilton HaSechel posted his own rant against kiruv back in 2010 in which he stated:

Talking about manipulation, Kiruv Organizations should not be using marketing strategies. Sure if you're selling a vacuum it's bad marketing to mention that it's gonna die a day or so after the warranty - but this is something worse than a vacuum these are PEOPLE's lives. What do I mean by marketing strategy? Well, if a a non-frum girl goes and ask an Aish Hatorah guy what the status of woman is in Judaism he's not gonna whip out those delightfully backwards Gemarot which say tons of sexist things. Nope! Not even going to mention that a woman is considered in the Gemara too "crafty" to learn Torah, and too unreliable to be a witness. Kiruv Organizations sugar coat all the rough bits of Judaism and shelter their adherents from them until waaaay too late. THAT is pure manipulation - taking advantage of someone's ignorance about Judaism in order to only present the "fun" bits.

Be honest! I want every Kiruv Organization to be HONEST. If someones ask the Rabbi "Hey Rabbi what does the Gemara say about non-Jews" I want the Rabbi to say first "It thinks they're a bunch of donkeys with the emissions of horses" and only THEN make the excuses. I want the Rabbi to read all the demonology bits and read some choice Biblical passages about stoning and genocide. Go ahead! Present all the nice bits too BUT make sure to honestly present the good and the bad EQUALLY. If you lose "souls" 'cuz of you're brutal honesty then at least you know you're not lying to people. 2

Early on in his post, he feels the need to impress upon his readers that he is not against orthodoxy. I feel the same way, but unfortunately what seems to be the norm is the idea that if a person looks at aspects of Judaism or orthodoxy critically, that he/she is anti-Semitic, a self-hating Jew, or anti-Orthodox. While I cannot speak for everyone, I can speak for myself. I don't "hate" orthodoxy, nor do I hate Jews, and I actually kind of like myself. It's the deception that is used--not all of the time, and not by everyone--to pull people into a lifestyle that they otherwise might not have chosen on their own, that I find problematic. I've read forums in which comments were made that sharing the negative aspects of orthodoxy might turn people off to becoming more religious. I believe that more damage is being done in the long run by withholding information.
     Back in 2009, orthodox guest poster Chabakuk Elisha posted his perspective on kiruv from the world of Chabad, on the blog "A Simple Jew" in an article entitled "Kiruv vs. Soul Mongering." He begins with a few excellent questions.

Let me start by asking if kiruv can be considered humane, ethical, moral, healthy or good? Is it even mentchlach [humane] to try to convince people to reject their families, backgrounds, friends, perhaps wives and children, and completely change their lives to join a community that in all likelihood they will always struggle to be a part of? Is that even fair? Is that really good for the individual prospective Baal Teshuva?3

While Chabakuk Elisha ultimately believes that Chabad does better outreach (as a whole entity) than other groups, he is honest in stating that there are problems. These problems often stem from the perception of those within kiruv. He states:

I think sometimes people forget that the potential mekurav [recruit] is a real person. He/she has a life, family, background, etc. They were raised a certain way and have certain responsibilities. They love and are loved. And all those things are important and need to be considered carefully – I can’t reconcile carelessly ripping people away from all of that and turning them into virtual orphans superimposed onto a society that’s often quite foreign, and sometimes remains foreign forever. How can we do that to people?4

     This goes back to previous posts on this blog where I've pointed out that even orthodox blogs, such as Beyond BT, have discussed at length that people who became orthodox from non-orthodox backgrounds often find that the world that they joined was very different from the world that they were sold. And while some of this may have had to do with the community that BTs ended up joining, solving the problems by moving to other possibly more open or welcoming communities is not always an answer. This goes back to the idea of deception. Why not be upfront about the problems before they become problems, so that people who truly want to become orthodox can successfully preempt them, and so that people who may have second thoughts can follow a different path before they get locked into a lifestyle that may not suit them? The writer continues:

 I find it to be very troubling for some guy with nothing to lose to tell anyone to turn their life upside down, in every way, and to heck with the consequences ....  But it seems to me that some of my frum brethren find this unacceptable .... they feel that [a] family [interested in, for example, observing some aspect of Shabbat--the Sabbath,] must suddenly go all the way or none of the way .... To some, kiruv is along the lines of other missionary groups that are seeking to save your soul – they aren’t interested in any single act or progression – they are looking to only to for complete and total transformation to their lifestyle. 5

     What's important to note in all of these cases is that criticism and discussion of kiruv's problems is not relegated to a small subset of disgruntled former baalei teshuva who've since left orthodoxy. When people make that assumption, it's just another excuse to sweep real problems under the proverbial carpet instead of looking critically at issues that affect all who are in some way touched by Jewish outreach.






1. "Marina." posted at August 26, 2013, 10:13AM in "Kiruv = Multi-Level Marketing," on August  Imamother. August 25, 2013.
2.HaSechel, Shilton. My Rant Against Kiruv Organizations. Shilton HaSechel. September 7, 2010.
3. Chabakuk Elisha. Kiruv vs. Soul Mongering. A Simple Jew. March 5, 2009.
4. ibid.
5. ibid.

Welcome to Kiruv City. Speed Limit: Faster! Faster!

In Defense of the Bitter Ex-BT Blogs
A Guest Post by DK

This essay was originally posted on The Kvetcher blog in January 2007. At the time, the new power and challenge of the Internet generally and blogs specifically were being reckoned with by the haredi world in an intense way.  This article was posted in response to "The Dilemma of the Talented ex-BTs,” by Ron Coleman on the baal teshuvah [newly ultra-Orthodox] support site, Beyond BT. His piece dealt with the problems of ex-baal teshuvah bloggers specifically to the kiruv [“outreach”] movement and beyond.  “In Defense of the Bitter Ex-BT Blogs “ was my defense of this specific subset of ex-baal teshuvah writers. The Kvetcher blog is currently locked.

The focus of this essay was restricted to defending the newly ultra-Orthodox bloggers who took it upon themselves to warn others about what they witnessed,  and critique the institutions and attitudes they experienced. This repost was inspired by Brielle Levy and others who seem unwilling to recognize entry problems cause by Big Kiruv.  But it is dedicated to all who have spoken out despite their shame and fear, willing to suffer ridicule and condemnation in order to warn others of the cost and realities of joining an ultra-Orthodox enclave.

--

Ron Coleman is a black hat fellow, as he has revealed in comments on this blog as well as elsewhere.  Naturally, he is not very happy with what the "bitter ex-BT bloggers" are writing about the haredi BT world.

Coleman writes:

Because ultimately my rather mundane point, of course, is that it is a special bitterness -- I cannot say wickedness; we all are tinokos shenishbu (compared to "captured children") -- that makes a talented former BT, man or woman, do this. They do not just walk away from what they think is a car wreck of a spiritual journey but flag everyone else tooling happily along the road and swear that the bridge is out, there are monsters waiting on the next exit and that it was actually much better where they were coming from and you can't U-turn fast enough to get back there.

 And he asks, "What motivates them?"

Coleman offers that, "My armchair psychology tells me that they would rather believe the journey is an eight-lane disaster than consider whether they themselves forgot to check the oil under their own hoods before setting out."

Well, Ron is assuming that none of us take any ownership for our actions. In fact, many of us do, and frequently do not forgive ourselves for doing so.

The newly religious are "encouraged to
drive quite fast and reckless."

In the haredi BT world, you are frequently discouraged from checking under the hood. All too often, you are sent to the races, and encouraged to drive quite fast and reckless. And sometimes--go figure--you end up in a few fender benders, and get dizzy, and feel like you are going nowhere except in circles. Then when you announce you don't like this race anymore, people start changing. No one in the racetrack wants to help you, especially the referees on the side wearing the black and white outfits of authority. Instead they yell at you you for riding off the racetrack. If you're lucky,--very lucky--someone might secretly whisper in your ear that it's okay if you stop racing like you have been. But almost everyone at the racetrack just tries to get you to race some more. And then things get ugly. Because you want to reclaim your car, and some people don't approve of changing tires, new brakes, or adding gas. Definitely not adding gas.

So you go outside, and you stay kinda quiet. And you don't tell people about your racing days. Only a couple of people know. But then you see that they are opening more racetracks, and adding bleachers to the old ones, always recruiting new racers. And you see that the referees were the same ones who were there when you used to race, and are making the tracks even more dangerous in accordance with management's new rules for still better racing.

And you feel a sense of solidarity for the new racers, especially the young ones.  You want to tell them what you know about racing. And make sure they do check the oil, and make sure they don't drive too fast, that they get enough gas, and quite frankly, not to trust that the referees are on their side. Because they are not. They are simply there first and foremost to make people race as fast as they can make them, in accordance with management's wishes.

So you announce you have some questions; you have some concerns. But you are told that you have to go to customer service if you have a complaint. But they don't want to listen; they just want you to shut up. They even tell you that they will only listen to your complaint if you ask very, very nicely and politely, and don't say anything bad about the racetrack. And you see the customer service manager through the window, and it turns out, the manager is the same referee you have a problem with, or at least, is related to him.

But one day, outside the racetrack, they invent a bullhorn. And you pick it up, and stand outside the racetrack. And you start protesting the treatment of the racers, and the insanity of the racetrack.  And some people hear you, and they start listening. And you find other protesters of the racetrack, other former racetrack racers. Sometimes you stand together, sometimes you stand alone. But because you are saying bad things about the referees and even criticizing the racetrack itself, you are all declared haters of racing.  Even though some of you privately still race on your own terms, though not at a racetrack, and yeah, some of you indeed don't race all that much anymore.

But it isn't racing itself you are really against. It's the referees and the specific demands they make, as well as concern of what is expected and demanded of the racers, who seem less of a priority than the race itself, and whose individual needs and limits are casually and assiduously brushed aside, even delegitimized.

But my goal--and I believe frequently the goal of other former racers like me--is not really to stop the racers from racing, though admittedly, that isn't my concern. My concern is the racer. Because the owner of the racetrack does not speak directly, and I don't believe that the managers report to him as directly as they claim. For if they did, the racers would be surely be treated differently, and the race a different experience altogether.

If the referees and managers cannot dispute our charges but neither can they change the house rules of the race, but can only call the protesters "racer haters," then their racetracks are simply not to be considered appropriate for most new racers, particularly the youngest racers.

There are other racetracks, slower ones with wider lanes and service roads.  These must be utilized instead, or built from scratch. I don't claim to have the perfect balance. I don't claim to have all the answers. But I do have the questions.
And if the recruits don't know how to ask them, and their parents don't understand the real questions either, and the FFBs certainly have no interest in raising them on their behalf, and even the best and seasoned BTs are only willing to hint at the crucial questions lest they draw a yellow flag (it isn't hard to do), then who will ask them if we don't? Who, Ron?

You?

DK is a blogger at Kvetcher.net.

Ed. Note: This post was reposted with all of the original links intact.

Keeping it Hidden

Kiruv'd? Hide your BT status!

     Once upon a time, when I decided to uproot my secular life and become a ba'al teshuva (newly religious Jew,) I was strongly advised by an orthodox woman (who had been, decades before, a BT--ba'al teshuva,) that I should never, ever tell anyone that I was not always religious. "Tell them you're from out of town," she advised. "But don't tell them you're a BT." Of course, in my naivete, I privately laughed at this advice. I'm proud of my background, I thought to myself. I have no regrets, I'm not ashamed of anything I've done.
     Fast forward to the present time. I was researching material on the topic of what happens after kiruv workers convince the non-orthodox to take on an ultra-orthodox lifestyle. (Again, I'm talking about ultra-orthodoxy--meaning any orthodoxy that is past modern orthodoxy in observance and stringency.) I found a lot of interesting material on what those who become orthodox can expect, and much of what they can expect is kept well-hidden from new inductees during the process of becoming frum (religious.) I've included links to some pretty interesting articles, each highlighting different aspects of post-outreach ultra-orthodoxy. From how children of BTs are treated, to how FFB's [frum from birth--those who were born orthodox to orthodox parents] really feel about interacting with BTs, to the stresses of an orthodox lifestyle, to how communities enmeshed in kiruv-work are forgetting about their own community members, I've tried to create a montage of perspectives on what often happens once a person commits to an ultra-orthodox lifestyle. I hope that you'll take the time to click on the included links, and read the articles and the comments for greater insight.
     Rabbi Yakov Horowitz reprinted Catriel Sugarman's article from The Jewish Voice and Opinion, entitled "The Yeshiva World and the Children of Baalei Teshuva: The Ugly Secret," sparking a huge number of comments. Sugarman makes the interesting point that while the newly religious may think they have been fully accepted into a community, they very often find that once they have children, their kids face discrimination in school, social settings, and even later on, when it comes to getting married. Often such innocent-sounding questions on school applications for incoming students asking about the family's history, require the checking off of the box next to the term "ba'al teshuva," and for how long. These students are often treated as social pariahs, snubbed by both teachers and fellow students, regardless of how long the parents have studied Judaism in formal settings. Rare is it that the child of BTs is treated well, the article mentions, although there are exceptions, for instance, if the family is very wealthy and can contribute substantially to the school. The article provides accounts of bullying suffered by children, due only to their BT status in the community. What kiruv professionals failed to tell the parents they brought into orthodoxy was that despite teaching that a BT is considered higher up for having left the secular world and taken on the obligations of the orthodox world, BTs in the orthodox world are often treated poorly and have extremely low status.
     Sugarman's article isn't the only place that you can read about the plight of those who get past kiruv and become orthodox. A 2005 article on the Jewish Worker blog entitled "A Baal Teshuva's Fate in the Haredi World" discusses an explanation made by a woman married to the son of a ba'al teshuva. The problem, which is expressed in various articles around the internet, is that because BTs retain contact with their non-orthodox family and friends, they put the frum [orthodox] community at risk of being influenced towards a secular lifestyle, thus justifying the exclusion and alienation of the very people they worked so hard to make frum. She stated that a relative in education explained the low status and discrimination faced by BTs and their children this way:

He said that many Baalei Teshuva stay in contact with their non-religious families. Therefore they are a tremendous danger to everyone else. After all, the friends may actually see a non-religious person in the house etc.... Therefore she concluded, that it is better to hurt individual baalei teshuva then to put the whole community at harm.1

     "Humpty Dumpty Had A Great Fall," an article on Beyond BT, takes us on the journey of a person from pre-outreach to kiruv to BT to  leaving orthodoxy. The writer, whose byline is Little Frumhouse on the Prairie, vividly paints the picture of orthodox life as a BT wife and mother. She shows us how frum life can be frenzied, hectic, and both financially and mentally stressful, and can easily lead to a person leaving that lifestyle, even if the person was raised in a stable, non-orthodox environment.
     Finally, in "Chabad Fails Its Own Long Term Members, Chabadnik Says" an article found on Failed Messiah by guest writer Chabad Spring, the writer wants to "Turn Chabad Upside [down] and focus on in reach",[sic.] Chabad Spring urges his own Chabad community to curtail funding to outreach/kiruv efforts to non-religious Jews and to help their own community to maintain a decent standard of living. He talks about the extreme poverty that community members face due to the high cost of raising large families and sending them on to expensive yeshivahs. Instead, the writer points out that their own community's costs could be offset with funding that is put towards bringing more and more non-orthodox Jews to this lifestyle (including the costs of helping those on shlichos, or outreach missions--such as the families of college campus rabbis, those families running Chabad Houses in foreign cities, small towns, etc.) Chabad Spring writes:

Reality is, and it’s no secret, almost all our resources are going towards fishing for new Jews to join into our system, and making more frie[secular] people frum[orthodox].  We have Friendship circles, holocaust survivor circles, release time, youth programs for college kids, youth programs for kids who come to Chabad house, Camp Lemaan Achy,   Camps for yalday hashluchim [the children of Chabad's outreach workers],  you name it if you are not yet Frum = Chabad has something for you. Every sheliach [Chabad missionary] out there is doing his best to be mekarev yidden [get non-orthodox Jews to become orthodox], yet the fact of the matter is that there is none or little programming funds, resources, or attention paid to us, who are actually living the Chabad Working  lifestyle.[sic]2 

      In conversations on social media, I have been accused of trying to keep people from becoming orthodox. Rather than keeping people from orthodoxy, I think that most rational people understand that in making important life choices, it is beneficial to be presented with all information on these choices. That includes even the information that may be viewed as negative. Some may see this blog as providing that negative information, and question why I don't give the other side of the story. Well, that's where all of the outreach workers and their organizations come in. I am filling in the other side of the story, the side that you have to scour the internet for because those in kiruv would rather this side of the story remain hidden.


1. Bluke. A Baal Teshuva's Fate in the Charedi World. The Jewish Worker. 9/17/2005. Accessed 7/24/2013.
2. Chabad Spring. "Turn Chabad Upside and focus on in reach." hosted on Failed Messiah. 7/24/2012. Accessed 7/24/2013.

Jewish Missionaries and a Great Link

     What a thrill to have found that someone was inspired by this blog and went on to write an exceptionally insightful piece about Jewish outreach! Sharon Shapiro of Kol B'Isha Erva, posted about Jewish Missionaries. She reminisces about her own experiences and thoughts as a ba'al teshuvah (person who became religious later in life) and discusses them in terms of Jewish outreach. She is frank and thoughtful, stating that "so many rifts are formed between newly religious young people and their non-religious parents, based on the guidance of kiruv workers," a truth that many in the orthodox world are reluctant to admit. This is just one great point in an article of great points. So, what are you waiting for? Go ahead and read!
     Read Kol B'Isha Erva's post about Jewish Missionaries here.