Unconditionally Jewish, With A Few Exceptions

     I'm always willing to engage in intelligent discussion and debate regarding kiruv. However, I am not willing to tolerate intolerance. As humans, we've come a long way and still have far to go. But we will never evolve if we practice and preach intolerance of others. While all kiruv professionals don't always give voice to their prejudices, here is an exchange in which one does. Let me share an email exchange I recently had with someone who read this blog and chose to contact me via email. I have taken the liberty of removing "MC"'s full name and email, so that he can avoid further shame.

Why? Inbox
3:01 PM (16 hours ago) to me

Why would you be against furthering observance of Torah by Modern Orthodox Jews? Is that not a noble goal? I am all for furthering observance of all Jews, reform, conservative, orthodox, chassidic. We ALL need to grow and improve. Whatever it takes to get us there is fine. I would love to be deceived into higher levels of yeras Shomayim. If you know anyone who can deceive me please let me know. I need much more Yeras Shomayim and I will take from wherever I can get it!!
What are you afraid of?

-- MC

 MC,
Thanks for your email. Before I can answer your questions, we need to settle something. You talk about "furthering observance of Torah." But we'd have to agree on a definition of that terminology. Do you mean that Reform and Conservative Jews should be the best Reform and Conservative Jews that they can be? Do you mean that Humanist Jews should be the best Humanist Jews that they can be? Atheist and Secular and Non-Practicing Jews should be the best Atheist, Secular, and Non-Practicing Jews that they can be? In what context do you mean this "furthering observance of Torah?" What makes you think I'm afraid?
Have a beautiful evening.

-Rebecca

MC 10:16 PM (9 hours ago) to me

I don't really believe in labels. All Jews are responsible to serve G-d and guard the commandments of the Torah as best as they can. There is no such thing as reform, conservative, atheist secular or orthodox Jews. Everyone acts like all of the above at certain moments in their lives. Those are modern, shallow labels that mean nothing. All people have to come closer to G-d to love and fear Him as best as they can.

Anything that furthers this endeavor is positive and should be encouraged. Anything that discourages this endeavor should be avoided.
Again my question remains, what is so bad about improving levels of observance of the so called "modern" Orthodox Jews?
We can all use a boost, why not them?
Are you afraid increased levels of G-d consciousness will harm these people?

Thanks
  MC

MC,

Do you not believe in labels because ultra-orthodoxy rejects all other types of Judaism as not actual Judaism? In my experience, it seems that many ultra-orthodox kiruv professionals are instructed to "reject labels" in an effort to create a sense that we're all equal as Jews, when in fact they really believe that all other factions are not legitimate Judaism. Is there a reason why you feel that Modern Orthodox Jews must be "improved?" What exactly is wrong with their observance? Does it not meet a specific criteria? Please explain.
-Rebecca

MC 5:43 AM (1 hour ago) to me

Of course what you call modern orthodox needs to be improved. Chassidim also need improvement. Kollel men as well. Each group has its strengths and weaknesses. Thats all I am referrring to.

There is no group that has perfect shlaimus and G-d consciousness. Lets say a person keeps shabbos to the letter of the law but after shabbos watches films that cause him to transgress commandments of the Torah such as lo sasuru. Lets say a persons wife wears two head coverings and very thick stockings but if you do business with this person you notice that he is dishonest. Lets say a Jew gives thousands of dollars per year to Chai Lifeline or another fine organization but also marches in the NYC toivah marraige [gay marriage, ed.] parade wearing womens clothing.
So you can seevwe all need serious help!!
Whatever gives clarity and resolve to grow into better Jews we should grab onto and hold on tight. Its a lifeline. If someone is drowning and someone throws you a rope you dont say sorry but I dont take ropes from guys who wear black hats or guys who wearing no hats.
Thats my point. No agenda except to help Jews come closer to Hashem.
We have so much to be thankful for as Jews that to worry about labels and modern orthodox or right wings or left wings is so silly and counterproductive. Lets just love Hashem and smile.
Give someone a big hug.
MC

 MC,
You state: "Lets say a Jew gives thousands of dollars per year to Chai Lifeline or another fine organization but also marches in the NYC toivah marraige  parade wearing womens clothing." This is what you consider "having problems?"
Yes, you're right.
Anyone who would have a problem with this has problems. Let me explain. Your concern for someone's sexuality is a big problem. I support equal rights and marriage equality. As a Jew, my people have been denied equal rights, and so, I support equal rights for others. That is a Jewish value. It is a problem when people put their so-called "religious" values ahead of people. Why do you have a problem with this? Who are you to judge? Perhaps you should focus on bettering yourself before you set out to "better" others. I think you may inadvertently end up alienating a lot of people in your quest to make people "improved" Jews. I wonder if Chai Lifeline is in the habit of denying much needed donations because some donors may support Gay Marriage. Maybe you should ask them
-Rebecca

M C 8:35 AM (1 minute ago) to me

I threw in the example of the parade just to find out where you were holding. I now know where you are holding and now that I see you aree on the side of the immoral gay rights crowd there's nothing left to talk about. You are not even at The level of moral clarity of regular decent non-Jews.
I hope that in the future you will convert back to judaism and then we could have a discussion about some of the issues you brought up. I wish you well. I wish you clarity to accept the Moral values of your grandparents great grandparents all the way back to Mount Sinai.
MC

Let's look at this series of emails critically to see what MC is really about. Remember, MC has taken it upon himself to represent kiruv and orthodoxy. It is easy to be outraged here, but let's see where MC gets it wrong.

1.  MC does not represent Modern Orthodoxy and makes it clear that the Modern Orthodox need to "further their observance." He covers himself by suggesting that everyone needs to further their observance. 
2. MC seems to take offense that I "label" Jews when I asked him to clarify if he wants non-orthodox Jews to be the best non-orthodox Jews they can be. Suddenly he states "Everyone acts like all of the above [Reform, Conservative, Humanist, Atheist, Secular, etc.] at certain moments in their lives. Those are modern, shallow labels that mean nothing. All people have to come closer to G-d to love and fear Him as best as they can."
3. Notice how warm and fuzzy MC is when he suggests that we just "love Hashem and smile" and advises me to "give someone a hug." And then notice how quickly he turns on me when I call him out on his intolerance of gay rights. I can understand people disagreeing, but the amount of disrespect and vitriol are disproportionate to the issue at hand.
4. MC initially asks me "What are you so afraid of?" He is trying to make the argument that by opposing kiruv, I must therefore be "afraid" that people will become orthodox. Unfortunately, MC doesn't realize that I am opposed to deceptive tactics and opposed to deceptive recruitment. A person's religious observance is their personal choice.
5. As soon as I call MC out on his intolerance for a group of people, he denounces me as "not even at The level of moral clarity of regular decent non-Jews." Well, that just shows the world that MC has a superiority complex when it comes to people who are not Jewish. I find it frustrating how MC feeds into the stereotype that Jews think they're better than others. He is not being "a light unto nations" and by coming out with a morally superior attitude, he serves to turn people off to orthodoxy (and, quite possibly, Jews in general.) Remember, in MC's previous email to me, he was all warm and fuzzy about the love we should all have for each other. He quite adequately illustrates how often within outreach, when a person who has become a "kiruv project" fails to conform to the standards of the kiruv professional, the same kiruv professional will completely turn on the person he/she was trying to reach. Perhaps they believe that by rebuking someone, they will suddenly guilt them into getting involved. Or maybe they believe that it's their God-given right to rebuke. (To get into it for a second, assuming a person believes in what the Torah says, here it is: "You shall surely rebuke your fellow man" [Kedoshim 19:17] But for the record, a rebuke coming from someone who has already demonstrated intolerance for his neighbor and fellow man really means nothing in the great scheme of things.)
6. Because I defended equality, MC has deemed me not Jewish and states "I hope that in the future you will convert back to judaism." If MC, someone who staunchly defended kiruv in his earlier emails, believes that I am not Jewish because of my beliefs, then how does he view the very people he wants to "further their observance?" Perhaps to MC and others of his ilk, people who are not just like him and who don't espouse the same beliefs that he holds at his core, aren't Jewish. 
7. Ironically, MC states "Its a lifeline. If someone is drowning and someone throws you a rope you dont say sorry but I dont take ropes from guys who wear black hats or guys who wearing no hats," yet has a problem with someone donating lots of money to Chai Lifeline (an organization that provides support to families with gravely ill children suffering from serious pediatric diseases) who also supports gay marriage. I thought he just made a whole analogy about drowning people not discriminating against those providing help.
8. MC says "Lets say a persons wife wears two head coverings and very thick stockings but if you do business with this person you notice that he is dishonest." What does this man's wife's level of tznius (religiously sanctioned modesty) have to do with his own honesty in business? Why are his business partners (and MC) judging this man by how much skin his wife doesn't show? From which business model is this thought process taken?
9. MC writes "I wish you clarity to accept the Moral values of your grandparents great grandparents all the way back to Mount Sinai." First of all, MC is assuming an awful lot here. He's assuming that 1. my grandparents were "moral" people; 2. my grandparents' code of morality is equivalent to what he considers an acceptable code of morality; 3. my grandparents would agree with him. He also makes a classic kiruv mistake. The mistake is in thinking that the current generation has/had orthodox grandparents and/or orthodox great grandparents. This type of kiruv tactic relies on being able to prove somehow that if you go back far enough, the potential recruit had orthodox family who would want the potential recruit to become orthodox. Kiruv professionals who use this tactic also employ guilt and work on people's emotions in order to bring them to orthodoxy. In fact, we don't know what our ancestors would have wanted. They may have been miserable. Another interesting point is that the ultra-orthodoxy of today is radically different from our observant ancestors in a variety of ways. For one, young people used to be skilled in a trade or in some way to be able to earn a living. (Okay, that was a low blow. But it's an issue that shouldn't be ignored.) 
10. MC asks "Are you afraid increased levels of G-d consciousness will harm these people?" If "increased levels of God consciousness" means becoming a hate-filled, morally superior, anti-human person, then yes. I fear for all of us, especially those at the hands of kiruv professionals who are looking for new recruits. 
11. Notice in the last email, MC brags about throwing in the example of marriage equality to trick me in order to find out my beliefs. He says "I threw in the example of the parade just to find out where you were holding." This is a blog that deals mostly with deceptive kiruv. MC admits to using deceptive tactics to get information. In what other ways does MC, or other kiruv workers, employ deceptive tactics? He's just shown us that yes, deception is definitely at work.

     History has long since proven that ignoring problems rarely makes them go away. It is only when we face the issues head-on that we can enact change. This is why I have chosen to publish this email exchange. MC's attitude, unfortunately, isn't unique. It is prevalent in the ultra-orthodox world of deceptive kiruv. Complaints that this blog focuses on negativity and not on a way to positively deal with kiruv mean little. Nothing will change until people realize that there is a problem. In the case of deceptive kiruv, the problem isn't that people aren't becoming orthodox; the problem is that kiruv professionals and others feel that they must actively deceive and manipulate people into becoming carbon copies of themselves.

Partners in Intolerance, Part 2

Rabbi Meisel's response, part 1. Click to enlarge.

Part 2. Click to enlarge.

     The last post I wrote (Parters in Intolerance, Part 1,) discussed the negativity that kiruv/outreach volunteers volunteering with Partners in Torah have towards Conservative, Reform, and public schools. After eight weeks of reading responses to Rabbi Meisels initial question regarding which type of school is best for a non-orthodox Jewish student to attend, he finally gave his response this week. He writes: "I would therefore suggest that one not adopt a universal approach to the question. Instead, one should take into the particulars of the case [e.g. family, school, public school, etc.] before making a decision, and then only with the input of a recognized authority competent to evaluate such a question." While I agree that one shouldn't take a universal approach to most issues, I have trouble with the second half of his statement. In my experience as a former public school student, a parent who has sent kids to both orthodox yeshivas and public schools, and as an educator who spent many years teaching at a public high school, most parents who are involved in, and concerned about, their children's academic success take many factors into consideration when approaching the school years, and it is often a very personal decision. Expecting parents to consult a "recognized authority" before making decisions on the schooling of their children is preposterous and, to modern parents, insulting. This insinuates that non-orthodox parents are incapable of making these decisions on our own. Instead, we should contact a "recognized authority." From an orthodox perspective, this is usually one's local orthodox rabbi (or LOR, as it is often abbreviated.) Most non-orthodox parents are not about to involve a rabbi in their decision-making process on the education of their children unless specifically concerned about their kids' Jewish education. Most (non-religious Jewish and non-Jewish) parents I have met were more concerned with giving their children a well-rounded kindergarten through twelfth grade education that would enable them to get into either a trade school or college so that they would be prepared to take on the world. Most public school parents who want their kids to have religious training in the religion of their choice send their kids to after-school programs that meet their needs. Parents who feel that their needs are not being met by these after-school programs usually remove their kids from public school and send them to private schools that are religious in nature.

Part 3. Click to enlarge.

     What I have described here differs greatly from the original intent of Rabbi Meisels' originally posted question. In my explanation, the parents are making the decisions. How a family chooses to educate its children is a very personal decision. In the original question, and in last week's blog post, we can see that it's not the parents who are trying to figure out which school to send their children to, but rather, the kiruv worker/volunteer who is trying to influence the parent with whom he is working and convince him that there is a need to remove his children from public school and put them into a more Jewish environment. The original question directed towards Rabbi Meisels expressed the exasperation that the kiruv volunteer was feeling, having worked for three years with this person who still has his children in public school and seems to have no intention of changing this arrangement. The failure here is not in the parents for not pulling their kids out of public school, but in the kiruv workers and volunteers for not accepting that people have different values, different familial arrangements, and different religious preferences. Their responses (summarized in the pictures in this post, and shown in last week's post) prove that outreach from Partners in Torah isn't about the individual, but rather about pushing their own brand of orthodox values that don't take into account the reality that is today's world and the reality that is very often part of today's families. Pulling a child out of public school, or a liberal Jewish school, so they won't be exposed to "the downward spiral of western culture," assumes that we're all starting with the same values and that we all feel that we're on a downward spiral. At some point, non-orthodox Jews who are working with Partners in Torah will start to realize that it isn't a lighthearted Jewish identity that is being celebrated, but rather, an orthodox Jewish agenda that is being pushed. Pushing these beliefs to the point of trying to convince people to change their lives is counterproductive to Judaism as a larger culture and serves to alienate the very people these outreach workers are hoping to inspire.

Partners in Intolerance, Part 1

The original email to Partners in Torah from Sholom R.
(Click to enlarge.)

 Several weeks ago, Partners In Torah's "Mentor Talk" email focused on an email sent in by an orthodox chavrusa [study partner] complaining that despite working with his partner for several years, his partner has made little progress and has not made any move to pull his children from public school and enroll them at least in a local non-orthodox Jewish day school. During the weeks that followed, Rabbi Meisels posted some of the advice that other "partners" sent in about this issue. Many were very adamantly opposed to public school, believing it to be a cesspool of immorality. Many expressed the same opinion regarding Conservative and Reform schools.
     What is especially upsetting in the original
email from "Sholom R." is that he believes that he has the right to insert himself into the decision-making process regarding how his study partner and significant other have chosen to educate their children. His non-orthodox study partner's decisions on how to educate his children "frustrates" him and he writes in, asking for advice on how to "get him to reconsider his decision." Ironically, the only word that comes to mind here regarding this email is "chutzpah."

Dov's response, part one. (Click to enlarge.)

     An emailed response from "Dov" on this issue prompted several responses to his take on this situation. "Dov" feels that no Jewish child should attend a public school. He elaborates in the second email to Rabbi Meisels, showing his clear lack of tolerance to anyone and any values that are not what he would consider to be Torah values. To him "the values being inculcated in the public schools are amoral to the point of immorality." In response to children in public schools learning about LGBT families, Dov claims that "militantly atheistic values utterly inimical to those of the Torah" are being promoted. He further claims that "public libraries have become mine fields to be negotiated cautiously," not considering that many non-orthodox families support libraries, public education, and liberal social values such as equality--the same equality that open-minded Jews supported back in the 1950s when fighting alongside civil rights activists for an end to segregation.

Dov's response, part two. (Click to enlarge.)

P.A.'s response. (Click to enlarge.)

    Taking this further was a response from P.A. who claims that "while it's true that public schools are bastions of filth ... it's naive to imagine that the problem does not exist in many Conservative, Reform, and pluralistic schools." P.A. then mentions that there is a "deviant lifestyle club" in a non-public, pluralistic school in his/her hometown. While I have my doubts that any school actually has a club that is called "the deviant lifestyle club," I find it very interesting that this writer is afraid to even mention the accepted name of this club. Is P.A. perhaps afraid that by saying "LGBT," he/she might catch a bit of gay? Perhaps P.A. is concerned that something will rub off on him/her. This blatant homophobia will be carefully hidden when learning with P.A.'s partner in Torah in order to keep the relationship growing. The people writing these responses to Rabbi Meisels of Partners in Torah are the same people who are getting on the phone with you, your college-aged child, your partner, and your friend, and exposing them to an orthodox approach to Judaism.

E.M.'s response. (Click to enlarge.)

     When you read E.M.'s response, it's easy to see the disdain that this orthodox partner in Torah has for the Conservative and Reform movements. From the condescending tone of the email to the insults hurled at Conservative and Reform practice, it's not hard to tell how those doing Jewish outreach feel about non-orthodox belief and practice. If you can get past the obvious lack of respect shown for non-orthodox Judaism, take a quick look at the bottom of E.M.'s email. E.M. states that even though "those who receive a Conservative education may be a few steps ahead if they pursue Torah-true living, they are often more difficult to bring closer to a Torah-true lifestyle, for they feel they know Judaism well and need not look into it any further." That statement right there is an admission that these "Partners in Torah" are there specifically to bring people to orthodox Judaism, which is what they consider a "Torah-true lifestyle."

"Public schools are a cesspool of immorality."
(Click to enlarge.)

     Another response given, in which the writer claims to be a public school teacher, mentions that public schools are "a cesspool of immorality and educate the children to believe that there are no absolute values, it's okay to "do your own thing," and all forms of self-expression are okay." He/she further states that, as a preschool teacher, "we are already expected to depict alternate lifestyles to the children and pretend they're legitimate alternatives." The writer continues to state that public school is "not the place for a Jewish neshama [soul.]" Having spent many years as a public school teacher, I find this to be both offensive and inaccurate. First of all, families come in all forms. Teaching children that some kids come from single parent households, some from homes with a mother and a father, some from homes with two fathers, some from a home with extended family, and some from homes with two mothers, should really be a non-issue. Secondly, some of these kids may even be Jewish. And it's even possible that the mom of the second grader to whom you're teaching the Hebrew alphabet is going to get off the phone with you and have a cup of tea with her wife before they go to sleep--together. This is reality. Nobody is pushing the writer of this email to have a same-sex relationship. The writer also shows his/her ignorance by assuming that people choose who they are attracted to. His/her very concern that Jews don't belong in schools where this is taught implies that perhaps they will be negatively influenced. Does the writer think that by teaching that what used to be considered a non-traditional family is finally acceptable, that kids will suddenly decide that they must marry someone of the same gender? Is this simply mass homophobia disguised as a justified concern for other Jews?

Response from a ba'al teshuva.
(Click to enlarge.)

     Finally, an email was sent to Rabbi Meisels from a ba'al teshuva (one who became religious later in life) who, I'm pleased to say, actually gave a response not based on intolerance, homophobia, and fear. The writer stayed on-topic and addressed the issue. This married couple asked several people for their responses and gave a summary of their answers, feeling that sending kids to Jewish (but non-orthodox) schools was good in that it laid a framework if they ever did become religious and that it also helped to prevent intermarriage.
     At this point in time, Rabbi Meisels has yet to give his own response to the question, and when that is sent in the weekly email, I will post it.
     It sickens me that Partners in Torah, might actually put mentors in place who omit information and are dishonest about their intentions and true beliefs. The word "partner" implies some sense of unity, sharing, and honesty. The orthodox side of this partnership has no problem sharing amongst each other their blatant intolerance for anything not orthodox. At what point in this Torah education partnership will they honestly share their true feelings for the beliefs and practices of those Jews who are not orthodox? And if they won't, what kind of partnership is this?

(image from photo-dictionary.com)

(You can read Part 2 here.)