I'd like to introduce Mark*, a long-time reader who contacted
me a while back to tell me of his experiences with deceptive Jewish
outreach. Mark is in his twenties and was previously targeted by
kiruv professionals when his best friend began looking into options
to go on a second Birthright trip. In this piece, he explains what
happened to Jake* before, during, and after his encounter with the
Maimonides (Meor) courses and Aish HaTorah.
*Names and identifying details have been changed to protect the
privacy of individuals.
Mark's Story
The kiruv journey started on our Birthright trip a few
years ago. I went with my best friend Jake, as well as a few other
people from our school. But it's not what you think. we were there to
experience Israel and have a good time. There was absolutely no
proselytizing of any kind on this trip. There wasn't even the
slightest hint of deceptive kiruv. Most of my fellow classmates and
new friends when back home and went back to their normal lives, as
did we. The day after the trip, I went out with Jake and some other
friends. We all agreed that we enjoyed the trip and went back to our
regular lives in the weeks after.
I think I should
introduce and explain my relationship with Jake before going any
further in this post. I was born in the former Soviet Union, and came
here when I was four years old. Both of my parents are Jewish and I
was raised in a Russian-Jewish home. My family idn't consider
themselves very religious. We attended High Holiday services at the
local Chabad and I had my Bar Mitzvah, but that's about as far as my
Judaism went. As with a lot of Russian Jews I know, my identity is
"Jewish by association." I consider myself Jewish, most of
my friends are Jewish, I only date Jewish girls, I go to High Holiday
services, but that's about as far as things go. My friend Jake, on
the other hand, was born in the United States. His great grandparents
came to this country from Eastern Europe, so he considers himself
American. His family goes to a Reform synagogue for High Holiday
services, and that's about it. Aside from his family paying expensive
membership fees, our families were pretty similar in terms of our
commitment to Judaism. Neither of us kept kosher, observed the
Sabbath, or did anything like that. Jake and I met in high school. We
had been inseparable since we'd met--we did everything together. We
were lucky enough to attend the same state school and our friendship
continued to grow as strong as ever. We attended Hillel together
where we met a bunch of Jewish people. It was a nice place to hang
out and there was no pressure to become any more religious. When our
Hillel director told us she would be leading a Birthright trip, we
decided to all go together.
So what happened after our
Birthright trip? I know you're expecting me to say that Jake had some
sort of life-changing revelation that suddenly made him become an
orthodox Jew during our trip. But no, that's definitely not the case.
There was only one thing that changed. Jake wanted to go on another
Birthright trip. But unfortunately, once you go on Birthright, you
can't go again. But that didn't stop him; he went out to search for
another free trip to Israel. That set the wheels in motion.
A few months after our trip, Jake called to tell me some exciting
news. He found out about another trip to Israel! Now, it wasn't free,
but it was very cheap, about $500. The trip was supposed to be just
like Birthright, with lots of activities and touring. He didn't give
any more details except that he would be meeting for coffee with the
rabbi he contacted regarding the trip. I didn't think anything of it.
After his meeting, Jake told me that he really liked him and that he
was invited to the rabbi's house for Shabbat dinner. Jake invited me
to come along and I didn't think anything of that either. It sounded
completely innocent.
We went that Friday to the Rabbi's
house. He and his wife were very friendly. They had multiple
children, all who were very friendly as well. Numerous people our age
were at their home. Most were like Jake and I, Reform or maybe
Conservative Jews. I enjoyed dinner. The company was great and the
food was pretty good.The rabbi told us stories about Judaism and we
had discussions on different topics. We also spent time schmoozing
with the other guests. The rabbi told lots of jokes and made us
laugh. He was very friendly and I really enjoyed his company. After
we finished bentching, (saying the grace after meals) Jake and I left
and hit up some bars. It was just like any other night hanging out.
Nothing changed. The following week, Jake called me again telling me
that we were both invited back to the rabbi's house. We came back to
a good meal with a large number of people our age, a few from the
previous week, most were new. There was more conversation covering
Jewish topics. We schmoozed with people our age. Then Jake and I once
again set off for the bars.
The following week, I called Jake to see if he wanted
to get together with friends that Friday. He told me that he was busy
because he was going to Shabbat dinner at the rabbi's house. I didn't
think anything of it (yet again), and told him I would just see him
Saturday instead. Jake agreed and said he was selected to go on the
trip to Israel he wanted to go on. I congratulated him. He told me he
would spend half the the time at a place called Aish HaTorah, and the
rest of it would be spent doing a variety of activities. He asked if
I would consider going on the trip, but I was busy during that
period, so I declined. We both went our separate ways on Friday and
met up Saturday for lunch. He told me that the following week he
would stay for "the entire Shabbos." It turns out that some
of the people our age we ate dinner with would spend the night with
another Jewish family in the neighborhood. That sounded pretty neat.
But at the time I was pretty busy with school on the weekends and
wasn't able to spend the night.
We both went to dinner the
following week. Once again, we had a good dinner and schmoozed with
the people our age. I noticed that there were more new faces than
old. Once dinner was over, I drove home. Jake stayed behind. Later
that night, we texted back and forth. He said he was bored because
there were no electronics on due to the restrictions of Shabbat. I
thought it was kind of funny. When it got late, we both said goodbye
and went to sleep. I didn't hear from him again until Shabbat was
over. We met up Saturday night to hang out.
At this point,
Jake was going to the rabbi's house for dinner and then spending the
night at another family's house every week. I was still invited for
the following weeks but I never stayed the night. We continued to
text each other at night, but as time went on, he texted less and
less until he finally stopped. He said that he was "able to keep
Shabbos better" at this point. As the weeks progressed, I
noticed that he stopped inviting me to visit the rabbi. If I didn't
have plans on a Friday night, I would end up calling the rabbi and he
would tell me to come over. Around this time, Jake signed up for the
Maimonides course. It was run by the same rabbi and Jake was excited
because it paid a $400 stipend. Due to my class schedule, I was
unable to attend so I never took the class.
As Jake's trip
date grew closer, we began talking less and less. When I would ask if
he wanted to spend a Saturday afternoon together, he'd respond "I
can't, man, it's Shabbos." No problem. I respected that. Then
his big two week trip to Israel came. He ended up going to Aish
HaTorah. He enjoyed it so much that he decided to extend his trip
another two weeks. He told me that he was spending a good portion of
the day studying Torah. When we talked on Facebook, he'd talk more
and more about Torah and Judaism. We no longer talked about things we
used to discuss.
I was excited for him to finally come home
but something had changed. He was different. He would not see me on
Friday or Saturday. In fact, at this point, he told me that I could
only come to the rabbi's house if I stayed the entire time (Friday at
sunset until an hour past sunset on Saturday night) because leaving
early would desecrate the Sabbath. He also refused to go to any of
our favorite restaurants because they weren't kosher. When we talked
on the phone, he'd yell at me for the most random things. When I told
him I had eaten at certain restaurants, he'd say "How could
you?! That's not kosher!" Or when I tried telling him about my
Friday and Saturday plans that no longer included him, he'd respond
"You can't do that on Shabbos! What's wrong with you?!" I
wish that I could tell you that he said these things in a joking
manner, but he didn't. He was dead serious.
At this point,
I felt like things were changing but I couldn't understand why. I
wanted to mend our faltering relationship, so I told him that I would
stay a full Shabbat weekend. The rabbi put both of us with the same
family for the night. I was bored out of my mind. We spent the next
morning in shul. Jake knew what he was doing. I was just daydreaming
the entire time. I couldn't wait for it to end! At the end of
Saturday night, he asked how I liked Shabbat. I told him the truth.
He then yelled at me and proceeded to tell me something interesting.
He asked if I realized a while ago that I was inviting myself to the
rabbi's house and that he wasn't inviting me. It didn't occur to me
at the time, but then I realized that this was indeed the case. He
told me that this was due to my unwillingness to become more
religious. He said that they "gave up on me." What?! I
thought that the rabbi was there to host students so they could learn
about Judaism. I never once thought that there was some kind of
ulterior motive.
By then Jake was hanging out with some of
the people I had met at those dinners. The men from those meals had
already started to wear the typical clothes of orthodox men--the
traditional black hats and suits. The women were all covered, wearing
very long skirts, with arms and legs covered. What about the other
people from the dinners that weren't doing this? The ones I added on
Facebook no longer went to these dinners. In fact, they no longer
engaged in any of these activities, period. It was only me going with
Jake, and a few others who went consistently but didn't become
religious (they too stopped at some point). Since Jake was too busy
spending time with his religious friends, we drifted away.
I was confused. Everything had happened so gradually. He slowly
started to become more religious over time. When we started going to
Shabbat dinners, he thought things like shomer negiah (refraining
from all physical contact with members of the opposite sex) were a
joke. Now he takes it all very seriously. I stumbled upon the term
baal teshuvah (newly religious). When I read more into it, I learned
that Jake wasn't alone. Countless young Jewish people encounter these
kiruv organizations and get sucked in. From what I've seen, it's a
very slow process. It's not overnight like some people might think.
It started with something as simple as going to dinner. Since the
rabbis initially didn't make any effort to have people stay after
dinner, they had time to get comfortable. Gradually they get sucked
in further and they start to observe more traditions. When Jake
started spending nights with orthodox families, he would text me from
his phone. Gradually he became shomer Shabbos (fully observant of the
Sabbath laws) and then this stopped. Once things started to get bad,
he began criticizing almost everything I did. He criticized nearly
everything he used to do too! It got to the point where I no longer
wanted to spend time with him. The funny thing about this criticism
is that the FFB (frum/orthodox from birth) Jews I know have never
criticized me for doing anything. As I briefly mentioned earlier, the
Maimonidies program is an easy way to target students. They attend
weekly classes in order to get a stipend. But there's a catch. They
most spend a full Shabbat in the orthodox community in order to get
the stipend. That's how they reel these unsuspecting students in.
While a majority of them will take the money and move on with their
lives, a few will continue to attend dinners and get sucked in just
like Jake did.
When I stumbled upon this blog, I was
shocked. It was as if Rebecca Ross was pulling the words straight out
of my mouth. I read about kiruv tactics and realized that they tried
every move on both of us. It started with love-bombing at simple
dinners, and then escalated to more serious things. Once Jake went to
Aish HaTorah, that was it. Interestingly, no one from this kiruv
organization ever made their intentions clear. All Jake wanted was
another trip to Israel just like Birthright. He got so much more than
he, his family, or I bargained for. I only joined him for the
dinners. I was completely oblivious to the fact that they were
proselytizing! That's how deceptive these organizations are. While I
genuinely enjoyed the dinners and other events (they are good at
getting people to like them with their love-bombing), and while I
loved my other experiences with them, I grew to hate them once they
pulled Jake out of my life. I hated the fact that they would
deceptively break apart families. Here's what I don't understand:
orthodox Jews usually feel that it's a travesty when another orthodox
Jew goes off the derech (goes off the path of orthodoxy, usually for
a non-orthodox life), but they feel that it's inspiring when
non-orthodox Jews alienate their own friends and family to become
religious. That doesn't make any sense to me. I read quite a few
anti-kiruv blogs, and then eventually started reading things posted
by baal teshuvas. I read some posts on Beyond BT, and I found them to
be incredibly depressing. I'm not sure how breaking the bonds with
family is supposed to be inspiring. I even saw
a blog where baalteshuvas were discussing how they should cut ties with their families because they wouldn't want their children growing up seeing how bubbe
and zayde (grandma and grandpa) drive on Shabbos or eat treif
(non-kosher) food. Then I saw countless comments on another blog
where baal teshuvahs would say that their friends and family
unfortunately haven't experienced "the beauty of Torah."
That sounds like nothing more than simple brainwashing.
Recently I went to Jake's wedding. He found a shidduch (a marriage
partner for an arranged marriage) and they married within a few
months of meeting. A week before his wedding, I attended a Reform
friend's rehearsal dinner and wedding. You could just see their faces
and know that both families were incredibly happy and excited to see
their children get married. The next week I went to Jake's wedding.
It was odd. All of the orthodox people at the wedding were incredibly
happy. They were festive. There was lots of dancing. But what about
Jake's family? I talked to them because they were like a second
family to me. They didn't look happy at all. In fact, his grandmother
told me that she hopes his new wife will go off the derech so that he
will go back to his "normal" self. This was the unhappiest
wedding I have ever seen, at least from his family's side. I wasn't
happy either. I never imagined my former best friend's wedding would
be like this. But this is what happened. The process was so gradual
that it was impossible to see this coming.
Since losing
Jake, one of my friends confided in me about her crush becoming more
religious. Since I'm friends with him on Facebook, I was able to
watch his gradual change. I was able to explain everything that was
happening step-by-step. It was like clockwork. This time, I saw
someone go from a Reform Jew to an orthodox Jew just like Jake
did--but this time I knew what was happening. It was difficult seeing
my friend lose someone she cared about, especially since I knew what
the ultimate outcome would be. I wish I could have told his parents
what was happening and make it stop. But I couldn't. At least by
writing this post, I can show the world what kiruv does. I want the
world to know how they stole my best friend from me. I also want them
to know that I was a target. They tried to work their magic on me and
they failed. I was shocked when I was told what they were trying to
do--they were that deceptive!
I'd like to leave this long
post with a simple message for both parents and current baal
teshuvas. For the parents of college students, please explain to them
what kiruv is. Instead of having them do the Maimonides course, just
offer to pay them $400 instead. It's a small price to pay for not
losing your child. Also, I wouldn't worry about Birthright as long as
they aren't doing Aish or any other orthodox-run trip, but be wary of
any subsidized trips after Birthright like Aish or Jewel because
these are created for the purpose of proselytizing your children. For
the baal teshuvas who believe it's better to alienate your family and
friends who care about you because they "don't see the beauty of
Torah," who do you think would be at your side if you were
halfway around the world and seriously injured? I'll give you a hint.
It won't be the people standing next to you at shul.